How come women want to be "friends" after a breakup?

[Anonymous]

I'm going through a break up right now after a 5 year relationship. It's mostly mutual, although she was the one who had the balls to end it. I think it would have taken me a little while longer. We'd both like to remain friends, although it's slightly more awk for me because she lost the loving feelings/attraction to me (not the other way around). OTOH, what has gotten awk is that she's in her late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. There are times where I can see the desperation/resentment re: biological clock and dating market value. It's sad because I love her and want it to work, but she just isn't into me anymore. Yet, I can tell she resents that she's starting over close to 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I break up and tell someone I want to be friends, what I really mean is I'd like to remain friendly if/when our paths cross, but I'm not trying to have a more active friendship. So basically nod and smile when you see me, I'll do the same, and that's that.

The couple of ex's I am actively friends with didn't come as the result of a 'let's just be friends convo', it was more of a natural evolution of our relationship- being a couple didn't work but we genuinely liked each other, no one was still carrying a torch, so it worked out. I don't think that is terribly common.

I agree. Most people, both men and women want to move on if there are no kids involved. Also, men don't want to be friends because women can get laid anytime they want. Therefore, why should the stay friends with here when she can find a new guy within four hours while he has to work at it?

On the flip side, it seems like guys have an easier time finding and keeping as many friends as they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I break up and tell someone I want to be friends, what I really mean is I'd like to remain friendly if/when our paths cross, but I'm not trying to have a more active friendship. So basically nod and smile when you see me, I'll do the same, and that's that.

The couple of ex's I am actively friends with didn't come as the result of a 'let's just be friends convo', it was more of a natural evolution of our relationship- being a couple didn't work but we genuinely liked each other, no one was still carrying a torch, so it worked out. I don't think that is terribly common.

I agree. Most people, both men and women want to move on if there are no kids involved. Also, men don't want to be friends because women can get laid anytime they want. Therefore, why should the stay friends with here when she can find a new guy within four hours while he has to work at it?

Most men can get laid anytime they want, also.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. One of my exes is my best friend. We really did get along great as people. He wanted kids, I did not. Neither one would compromise nor did we want the other to compromise. I want him to experience having kids because I have my kids and know how wonderful it is.

It was awkward at first, but we really are just friends. So far me new boyfriends have accepted the friendship. I hope neither of us gets into a relationship that forces us to choose them or the friendship. But I kind of expect that eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a break up right now after a 5 year relationship. It's mostly mutual, although she was the one who had the balls to end it. I think it would have taken me a little while longer. We'd both like to remain friends, although it's slightly more awk for me because she lost the loving feelings/attraction to me (not the other way around). OTOH, what has gotten awk is that she's in her late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. There are times where I can see the desperation/resentment re: biological clock and dating market value. It's sad because I love her and want it to work, but she just isn't into me anymore. Yet, I can tell she resents that she's starting over close to 40.

Most women in her shoes are actually deeply conflicted and have spent years sabotaging themselves in the manner you're describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a break up right now after a 5 year relationship. It's mostly mutual, although she was the one who had the balls to end it. I think it would have taken me a little while longer. We'd both like to remain friends, although it's slightly more awk for me because she lost the loving feelings/attraction to me (not the other way around). OTOH, what has gotten awk is that she's in her late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. There are times where I can see the desperation/resentment re: biological clock and dating market value. It's sad because I love her and want it to work, but she just isn't into me anymore. Yet, I can tell she resents that she's starting over close to 40.

Feel for you buddy as you seem to have really loved her. But the starting over is on her. She could have ended it at the two year mark if marriage was not in the cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a break up right now after a 5 year relationship. It's mostly mutual, although she was the one who had the balls to end it. I think it would have taken me a little while longer. We'd both like to remain friends, although it's slightly more awk for me because she lost the loving feelings/attraction to me (not the other way around). OTOH, what has gotten awk is that she's in her late 30s and I'm in my early 30s. There are times where I can see the desperation/resentment re: biological clock and dating market value. It's sad because I love her and want it to work, but she just isn't into me anymore. Yet, I can tell she resents that she's starting over close to 40.

Feel for you buddy as you seem to have really loved her. But the starting over is on her. She could have ended it at the two year mark if marriage was not in the cards.

Thanks. I know that it takes 2 to tango. Just wish she would have put the effort into figuring it out sooner. She's an impressive woman who really prioritizes her career ambitions. I'm proud of her success but wish she could also prioritize her personal life too.

[Anonymous]

NP. Female. Friends first before I can even consider more. I suppose men may be different. I prefer dialing it back to friends which is where I thought we started before I let you down my pants. Perhaps some men fake this friendship step in order to get to the... I think this is the general disconnect.

[Anonymous]

Because I don't really want you to move on. I want to be the "one that got away." I want you to remember me and wonder and wish.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm the only female who doesn't want anything to do with the ex. They are exes for a reason. In fact when it's over I pretend the guy is dead just so I cut off all emotions and move on. I don't hate any of my exes they become irrelevant that's all. It's pointless holding on. I've never had any problems finding the next guy to date. What really pisses me off is when ex boyfriends save my number and try to contact me years later. I'm like, life is too short move on ,delete my number and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I don't really want you to move on. I want to be the "one that got away." I want you to remember me and wonder and wish.

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I don't really want you to move on. I want to be the "one that got away." I want you to remember me and wonder and wish.

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+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not me. After a break up you are dead to me, asshat.

+1. There is a reason we are no longer together. Being "friends" only prolongs every.fucking.problem. Bye!!!

[Anonymous]

There was really only one guy that I broke up with that I truly wanted to stay friends with. He was a cool guy, just really introverted - had a hard time socializing with my friends, didn't ever want to go out much. I did care about him, but the relationship kind of got stale because we had such different interests and ideas of what we would like our lives to be like (I'm fairly outgoing). We did stay friends for about 2 years, then he decided he didn't want to hang out anymore once he met another woman.

[Anonymous]

There is a great song about this:
"Somebody that you used to know"
http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/booksandarts/gotye27s-music-video-goes-viral/3968410