Sister thinks I'm mean

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a typical teen. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Reread your post OP. You have made this all about you: 1. My acne was worse, 2. I think she looks tired and must tell her, 3. I think she is superficial and must tell her so. This speaks to your low self-esteem and competitiveness. Where is your understanding and acceptance?

Your relationship with your sister is a symptom not the cause.

[Anonymous]

I think her feelings are valid.

It is fine to recognize the differences between you and your sister but to constantly point them out to her is only annoying and depending on the topic, mean. It really doesn't matter if you will roll to CVS in your gym clothes and she wants to put on full make up and a dress. She doesn't want to hear your commentary on her clothes as much as you don't want to hear commentary on yours.

Don't compare with what you can say with your friends and how they would react because she is her own person, her own feelings and own belief. If you know it will upset her, don't say it.

The acne example invalidates her feelings because you believe your acne is worse. She can still be upset and bothered by her skin. You can be upset and bothered by your skin. It isn't a competition of whose skin is worse and the way you handled it sounds like you are dismissing her feelings. She said you weren't supportive because you weren't supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone she looks tired is basically telling them they look like crap. It's not even close to complimentary. Stop saying it to people. You're probably making your friends feel worse but they're too polite to call you out for it.

Her acne bothers her. Don't be dismissive of her feelings.

If you want her to stop complaining about acne because it makes you self conscious about your own skin, tell her that. Just a quick, "my skin really bothers me and I feel like it's worse than yours. When you criticize acne skin, it feels like you're criticizing me too. Would you mind not saying things like that?"

See? Some people say "you look tired" because they actually care about you, PP.

Then why not ask how I am feeing instead of critiquing my appearance? Because that's basically what saying I look tired is doing. What makes you think someone looks tired? It's not a compliment. So instead of making it be about someone's appearance, why not ask how they are or how you can help, since you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone she looks tired is basically telling them they look like crap. It's not even close to complimentary. Stop saying it to people. You're probably making your friends feel worse but they're too polite to call you out for it.

Her acne bothers her. Don't be dismissive of her feelings.

If you want her to stop complaining about acne because it makes you self conscious about your own skin, tell her that. Just a quick, "my skin really bothers me and I feel like it's worse than yours. When you criticize acne skin, it feels like you're criticizing me too. Would you mind not saying things like that?"

See? Some people say "you look tired" because they actually care about you, PP.

Then why not ask how I am feeing instead of critiquing my appearance? Because that's basically what saying I look tired is doing. What makes you think someone looks tired? It's not a compliment. So instead of making it be about someone's appearance, why not ask how they are or how you can help, since you care?

Not all conversations has to be about someone's appearance, let alone a complement. If someone says I look tired, i would say, "Yeah, i was up all night" or whatever. I wouldn't in a million years take offense to that. But this argument has been played out many times on DCUM already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone she looks tired is basically telling them they look like crap. It's not even close to complimentary. Stop saying it to people. You're probably making your friends feel worse but they're too polite to call you out for it.

Her acne bothers her. Don't be dismissive of her feelings.

If you want her to stop complaining about acne because it makes you self conscious about your own skin, tell her that. Just a quick, "my skin really bothers me and I feel like it's worse than yours. When you criticize acne skin, it feels like you're criticizing me too. Would you mind not saying things like that?"

See? Some people say "you look tired" because they actually care about you, PP.

Then why not ask how I am feeing instead of critiquing my appearance? Because that's basically what saying I look tired is doing. What makes you think someone looks tired? It's not a compliment. So instead of making it be about someone's appearance, why not ask how they are or how you can help, since you care?

Not all conversations has to be about someone's appearance, let alone a complement. If someone says I look tired, i would say, "Yeah, i was up all night" or whatever. I wouldn't in a million years take offense to that. But this argument has been played out many times on DCUM already.

This is so dumb. How can you say a comment about someone's appearance isn't about someone's appearance?

[Anonymous]

OP, is this you?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/540633.page

And this?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/545005.page

If so, the problem is not your sister. It's you. Stop being so consumed by your sister's life, and live your own. LEAVE HER ALONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll provide examples:

Sister has moderate to very little acne. Pink zits along her forehead and maybe 3 zits on her right cheek. They're not noticeable when she has foundation on. She spends all her spare time browsing the Internet and spending the little money she has on expensive lotions and supplies to cure her acne. As a teen I had awful cystic acne all over my face and kids bullied me for being a pizza face. I eventually out grew my acne and now have bad skin but my sisters skin is still, even with her few zits, better than mine. When I see how grossed out and horrified she is with her zits, it makes me feel ashamed about my skin and my acne ridden past. She is always mad at me because when she fussed about her skin I recommend she calm down and not fret so much. I tell her that regarding acne she really doesn't have it that bad and a little cover up will fix it. She rolls her eyes and says I'm not supportive.

She is extremely defensive about any suggestion or comment made her way that isn't gushing or flattering. If I see her at the end of the day and she looks tired she immediately get mad and says, " wow thanks for being so nice!" Or if I casually mention that I think she is kind of superficial that I'm a mean person who doesn't know her.

I feel like I just can't win. If I tell my friend she's tired, she'll go on and explain that she's had a long day and can't wait to go to bed. My sister would jump at my throat. Am I in the wrong?

You sound kind of annoying to be honest. I hate when people say "you look tired" it is basically saying "you look like shit"... What's the point? Are you offering to help? "Hey you look a little tired, let me take care of the dishes and you go rest.."? Or are you just pointing out how ragged she looks got the kicks? Why do you tell her she is superficial? That IS mean. I don't understand your post OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just the fact you took the time to minutely describe your sisters actual acne, was so boring that I couldn't be bothered to read any more of what you had put in your post.

So you're mean? That's not as terrible as being boring, which you certainly are.

Wow, PP, reading your post made me actually feel sick. Talk about mean. Wow.

Was it deleted? I thought it was a little mean and funny. Definitely not WOW sick inducing. It's pretty tame

[Anonymous]

What is the point of telling someone that they look tired? I mean, damn, I know whether I am tired. It's not like they ever tell you at a point in your day when you can take a nap, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the point of telling someone that they look tired? I mean, damn, I know whether I am tired. It's not like they ever tell you at a point in your day when you can take a nap, either.

It would not bother me at all if someone -- anyone -- said I looked tired. It would never occur to me that they were saying "you look like crap." I would assume they cared about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the point of telling someone that they look tired? I mean, damn, I know whether I am tired. It's not like they ever tell you at a point in your day when you can take a nap, either.

It would not bother me at all if someone -- anyone -- said I looked tired. It would never occur to me that they were saying "you look like crap." I would assume they cared about me.

Well OP knows it bothers her sister so she should stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the point of telling someone that they look tired? I mean, damn, I know whether I am tired. It's not like they ever tell you at a point in your day when you can take a nap, either.

It would not bother me at all if someone -- anyone -- said I looked tired. It would never occur to me that they were saying "you look like crap." I would assume they cared about me.

Is this you OP? 10 people have said saying you look tired = you look like crap. So maybe you don't think it means that but you can hopefully now see how many people including your sister feels like this. I don't understand how it means someone cares about you though? Are you fling something about it that shows care or just pointing it out? What about all the other lovely things you tell your sister like how superficial she is... You say this to her because you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop giving advice she didn't ask for. That is mean. It's pointless to feel bad about yourself b/c someone else feels bad about themselves. That's just pathetic.

Mean? You're awfully delicate, if you think that is mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the point of telling someone that they look tired? I mean, damn, I know whether I am tired. It's not like they ever tell you at a point in your day when you can take a nap, either.

It would not bother me at all if someone -- anyone -- said I looked tired. It would never occur to me that they were saying "you look like crap." I would assume they cared about me.

Is this you OP? 10 people have said saying you look tired = you look like crap. So maybe you don't think it means that but you can hopefully now see how many people including your sister feels like this. I don't understand how it means someone cares about you though? Are you fling something about it that shows care or just pointing it out? What about all the other lovely things you tell your sister like how superficial she is... You say this to her because you care?

No, this was not the OP. I'm a middle aged woman and I've had plenty of different types of friends and acquaintances and work relationships, and I would never in a million years interpret "you look tired" to be an underhanded insult. I don't expect that I look perfect all the time, and I don't pretend people see only a flawless me. That seems juvenile. If someone said "You look tired," I would take it as an opening to tell them why.

I wouldn't expect someone to tell me in passing that I'm superficial, though....