Should I tell my kid to fail?

[Anonymous]

OP - If your son has GAD - generalized anxiety disorder and it is about perfectionism in many areas of his life, then getting therapy is a good first step. Also making sure that he has a well-rounded general life that is not all focused on the grades he receives, or rank in his class, or position on a sports team or position if in band or orchestra. Try to also look to see if he is anxious or conscious of what his peers are doing. I would also ask if "transitions" have been hard for him as going from MS to HS because the one looming ahead of college could be the point at which the severity of his anxiety might hit and away from home. So I would keep a close eye out and in touch with therapist about when and if a low dose medication might be useful - under the prescribing of a psychiatrist not a PCP to level out his daily living. If we had recognized this in our oldest, life for all would have been so much more settled in college years.

[Anonymous]

A therapist has suggested that we need to desensitize him and give DS permission/instruction/etc (not sure how we would word it to him) to tank a test so that he can see that it's not the end of the world.

I was a kid (and adult) that always was extremely anxious about grades. This seems like it is crazy advice. Had I ever failed a test, it would have been the end of the world to me. I would have hated myself.

I was thinking about what people said about a hobby and had a little different take. I started working with glass as a hobby. One of my favorite qualities of the hobby was that the project could be as good or as bad as I was ok with. If it didn't come out right, I could re-cut a piece or just throw the entire thing away and that was ok. It was very liberating.

[Anonymous]

If he sees grades as the end all-be all, make sure you are regularly pointing out "successful" people in areas other than academics. Remark openly on his friends who have wonderful personalities or skills but maybe aren't "book smart." Make sure he sees that emotionally smart people can be even more successful than book smart people. As he gets older he might become more aware that being seen as smart is not always a good thing socially if that's all you have going for you. It sounds like he's insecure about having anything else people would like about him except his brains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

A therapist has suggested that we need to desensitize him and give DS permission/instruction/etc (not sure how we would word it to him) to tank a test so that he can see that it's not the end of the world.

I was a kid (and adult) that always was extremely anxious about grades. This seems like it is crazy advice. Had I ever failed a test, it would have been the end of the world to me. I would have hated myself.

I was thinking about what people said about a hobby and had a little different take. I started working with glass as a hobby. One of my favorite qualities of the hobby was that the project could be as good or as bad as I was ok with. If it didn't come out right, I could re-cut a piece or just throw the entire thing away and that was ok. It was very liberating.

The point is to show that it wouldn't really be the end of the world. We went through this with DD, except it's not just grades she's anxious about. She sits in the same place every day at lunch. Her therapist asked what would happen if she moved. She said she'd obsess about it during class until she could sit in the right place the next day. Because of the obsessing, she wouldn't learn that day. Because she missed the material, she'd fail the test. Because she failed the test, she wouldn't have a good gpa. That would mean she couldn't get into college. Then she wouldn't be able to get a good job, and eventually she'd probably end up homeless. All because she sat in a different seat at lunch. So her therapist encouraged her to sit somewhere else to show her that it wouldn't ruin her life. They came up with a plan for how she would sit somewhere else, and things to take her mind off the fact that she had done it. When she did it, it was hard, but she felt empowered.