Vent: IL visit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you had to deal with all of this. There is no way my husband would have his parents visit and still go to work. I can also commiserate on the nieces/nephews. My nieces are about that age and quite rowdy. When they come with their parents I find my childcare load doubles (my two are under 5). If you do this again it sounds like you need to keep the nanny and probably pay her more to deal with grandparents and extra kids.

Don't helicopter them. Don't supervise them the way you would supervise your little ones.

You are making work for yourself where you don't need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would lighten up on the cousins.

You have a toddler. First time moms of toddlers tend to have VERY unrealistic expectations of what is normal and appropriate behavior for any kids three or older.

Your niece and nephew sound very normal amd age appropriate in the behavior you described.

I don't think their behavior is abnormal, but I'm still not okay with their bouncing balls in our formal living room (which has vases etc) or carrying cups of orange soda around the house (especially when nephew has a tendency to spill his drink). My sister's kids (of the same ages) don't do this. Neither do my niece and nephew when the come visit with their parents who ask them not to do these things. I knew my ILs were planning a visit, but their decision to bring niece and nephew was a surprise when I found out about it. A 6 and 8 y.o. are a handful, which is fine and understandable. Bringing them to visit two FT working adults and saying you will watch them, and then not doing so, is less understandable.

[Anonymous]

You should not have cancelled the nanny when you have to work.

Boot the niece and nephew out of your office at the start of your work day and explain they cannot knock on or open the door.

Next time DH has to stay home or at the very least get your ok!

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks everyone for supportive comments. I was just venting, but it's reassuring to hear that other people don't think this is a pleasant/wonderful situation. It's not the worst experience ever, but there have been enough minor annoyances over the past week to leave me cranky. I am glad my DD got to see her grandparents and cousins, but I wish DH were around more and that it didn't coincide with what's turned out to be a somewhat stressful time at work (not to mention my pregnancy starting to get fairly uncomfortable).

[Anonymous]

Also, to clarify, DD's nanny did come everyday. But MIL offered to let her leave early, and she gladly accepted. I know she had made other afternoon plans, so I didn't feel okay asking her to cancel them after already giving her the time off. While she's great and did go out of her way to help with niece and nephew, it's really not her job, and I don't expect her to stay extra hours to watch them, especially while DD is down for a long nap.

[Anonymous]

Solution: No visits without your prior approval--including a plan to work out of the house a good chunk of time. No ILs bringing niece and nephew unless DH takes time off too. And keep your nanny!

[Anonymous]

If they are still there can't you explain to your IL's that you are working and *really* can't watch the kids? Sounds to me like you have a pretty good relationship otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I would leave for the day and work at the library or starbucks or something. It sounds like a lot of it is you stressing yourself out. 6 and 8 year olds don't need that much supervision. I understand you don't want your nephew spilling orange soda all over your house, but sometimes you just need to let things go. Just spell out before you leave that drinks stay in the kitchen/dining room. If he spills on the rug, they get it cleaned or buy you a new one, honestly.

[Anonymous]

I think you should have been mad at your husband. Next time he needs to get your approval and he needs to take all the time off to be with his family.

[Anonymous]

DH takes time off or no visit.
I love how husbands dump their family on a wife and think it's a great family reunion time and it's so awesome for his parents. Um, no. Your parents, they came to bond with you, you stay home and entertain them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks everyone for supportive comments. I was just venting, but it's reassuring to hear that other people don't think this is a pleasant/wonderful situation. It's not the worst experience ever, but there have been enough minor annoyances over the past week to leave me cranky. I am glad my DD got to see her grandparents and cousins, but I wish DH were around more and that it didn't coincide with what's turned out to be a somewhat stressful time at work (not to mention my pregnancy starting to get fairly uncomfortable).

Stop WISHING and start COMMUNICATING and SETTING BOUNDARIES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, to clarify, DD's nanny did come everyday. But MIL offered to let her leave early, and she gladly accepted. I know she had made other afternoon plans, so I didn't feel okay asking her to cancel them after already giving her the time off. While she's great and did go out of her way to help with niece and nephew, it's really not her job, and I don't expect her to stay extra hours to watch them, especially while DD is down for a long nap.

Nanny doesn't work for MIL; she works for YOU. You tell MIL not to arrange things with the nanny, and you tell nanny to come to you to double-check if MIL tries to make arrangements with her.

FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to clarify, DD's nanny did come everyday. But MIL offered to let her leave early, and she gladly accepted. I know she had made other afternoon plans, so I didn't feel okay asking her to cancel them after already giving her the time off. While she's great and did go out of her way to help with niece and nephew, it's really not her job, and I don't expect her to stay extra hours to watch them, especially while DD is down for a long nap.

Nanny doesn't work for MIL; she works for YOU. You tell MIL not to arrange things with the nanny, and you tell nanny to come to you to double-check if MIL tries to make arrangements with her.

FFS.

MIL did not make this arrangement with her nanny without consulting me. Before the visit, she suggested that I could tell her nanny to take some time off, which I offered to her nanny. I didn't really expect that MIL and FIL would just go MIA for hours after the nanny left...and I didn't want to go back on my offer to the nanny after the first time it happened since I know she had made specific plans. I agree, it was a mistake on may part, but they've never visited without SIL and BIL, so I had no idea that they would do this. FWIW, MIL and FIL provide regular before- and after-care for niece and nephew at their home plus often take them for weekends etc, so I thought they were used to taking care of them.

And yes, DH should have taken time off or at least come home early. I should have clarified that better with him beforehand but didn't, and it was a little difficult to have that discussion after it happened with a house full of guests when he was flat our refusing to do so. I don't understand why he was being kind of a jerk about it (imho), he's not usually like that. Usually, when they come to visit, he makes more effort to be around (half days etc)...this was unexpected.

I'm just venting, not pretending that I played no role in this situation. But I do think that after they leave tonight, DH will have to deal with a bit of an earful (well, except I'll probably be working most of tonight on a project that I haven't been able to concentrate on plus a co-worker has been dragging his feet getting me his contributions for leaving me currently DIW...which is a significant source of the stress).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would leave for the day and work at the library or starbucks or something. It sounds like a lot of it is you stressing yourself out. 6 and 8 year olds don't need that much supervision. I understand you don't want your nephew spilling orange soda all over your house, but sometimes you just need to let things go. Just spell out before you leave that drinks stay in the kitchen/dining room. If he spills on the rug, they get it cleaned or buy you a new one, honestly.

Yeah, probably this is best. But I'm not as demanding as it sounds. There is a large playroom where I don't really care what they do...I'm really just talking about a formal living room (which also has an heirloom rug which can't be replaced and is very expensive to clean). When BIL/SIL come with the kids, they make sure they don't take messy food/drink in there...they also have a room like this in their home, so it's not like it's something their kids don't understand. I honestly think MIL just has this weird attitude when she comes to our house. Part of it is her feeling like niece and nephew are on vacation so they should be allowed to do whatever they want. Part of it is also that she's a little weird about the fact that we have some expensive items in our house. But most of it is that a 6 y.o. doesn't need constant supervision, but he does need a little bit of it...especially nephew who's somewhat babied by MIL (who also comments about how immature he is). I feel like it's a little unusual to expect a 6 y.o. to be able to select and serve himself snacks without any adults around to help him (this has ended up being me, since they can't find MIL to ask her). When I was a kid, we weren't allowed to take snacks and messy drinks out of the kitchen at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would leave for the day and work at the library or starbucks or something. It sounds like a lot of it is you stressing yourself out. 6 and 8 year olds don't need that much supervision. I understand you don't want your nephew spilling orange soda all over your house, but sometimes you just need to let things go. Just spell out before you leave that drinks stay in the kitchen/dining room. If he spills on the rug, they get it cleaned or buy you a new one, honestly.

Yeah, probably this is best. But I'm not as demanding as it sounds. There is a large playroom where I don't really care what they do...I'm really just talking about a formal living room (which also has an heirloom rug which can't be replaced and is very expensive to clean). When BIL/SIL come with the kids, they make sure they don't take messy food/drink in there...they also have a room like this in their home, so it's not like it's something their kids don't understand. I honestly think MIL just has this weird attitude when she comes to our house. Part of it is her feeling like niece and nephew are on vacation so they should be allowed to do whatever they want. Part of it is also that she's a little weird about the fact that we have some expensive items in our house. But most of it is that a 6 y.o. doesn't need constant supervision, but he does need a little bit of it...especially nephew who's somewhat babied by MIL (who also comments about how immature he is). I feel like it's a little unusual to expect a 6 y.o. to be able to select and serve himself snacks without any adults around to help him (this has ended up being me, since they can't find MIL to ask her). When I was a kid, we weren't allowed to take snacks and messy drinks out of the kitchen at all.

This is why you need to leave for the DAY. She's doing this because she assumes you're around and will help out. If you make yourself completely unavailable, your MIL will be around because she has to.

Your DH is being a complete d*ck. I'm sorry.