What to do? Marriage, compatibility, & financial issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a good man? Decent, faithful? Do you think you could replace him with better?

You sound bored. That's a you problem.

She doesn't sound bored.

And why would she need to replace him? It's not about jumping from one relationship to the next. She's recognizing that they are not on the same path and wondering where to go from here.

Because she'll be on here boo-hoo'ing six months after her divorce that exH has a new girlfriend and no one will date her. Most people don't want to be alone forever, it's something she has to consider.

[Anonymous]

If he is a caring dad with minimal professional ambitions, and you are an ambitious career lady, why isn't that the perfect situation? He can focus on the kids and the home front, and you can focus on your career and making more money without having to be the primary caregiver for your LO.

However, this will require you to respect and value the work he does as a parent. Can you do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is a caring dad with minimal professional ambitions, and you are an ambitious career lady, why isn't that the perfect situation? He can focus on the kids and the home front, and you can focus on your career and making more money without having to be the primary caregiver for your LO.

However, this will require you to respect and value the work he does as a parent. Can you do that?

Exactly. If he is a good parent, why not just appreciate him for that and let him flourish in that role?

I think a lot of success in a relationship is in setting your partner uplease for success. That means you have to appreciate their strengths and play to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is a caring dad with minimal professional ambitions, and you are an ambitious career lady, why isn't that the perfect situation? He can focus on the kids and the home front, and you can focus on your career and making more money without having to be the primary caregiver for your LO.

However, this will require you to respect and value the work he does as a parent. Can you do that?

I didn't necessarily read this to mean 'minimal professional ambitions' but more unrealistic ambitions. OP said he was unhappy with his job.

[Anonymous]

OP married a beta and now she wishes he was an alpha. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Your reasons for divorce don't sound great. Imagine trying to explain to your child that you messed up her life because you "couldn't deal with her dad not making enough money". Seriously??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a good man? Decent, faithful? Do you think you could replace him with better?

You sound bored. That's a you problem.

Exactly and immature. Look and see the garbage out there, maybe she'll wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is a caring dad with minimal professional ambitions, and you are an ambitious career lady, why isn't that the perfect situation? He can focus on the kids and the home front, and you can focus on your career and making more money without having to be the primary caregiver for your LO.

However, this will require you to respect and value the work he does as a parent. Can you do that?

I didn't necessarily read this to mean 'minimal professional ambitions' but more unrealistic ambitions. OP said he was unhappy with his job.

She said he is not ambitious. If he is not ambitious and is unhappy with his job, it seems like him becoming a SAHP or maybe scaling back to part-time to focus on the kids would be a good solution. Then OP can focus on her career, and make all that money she wishes she had more of. And hopefully she can learn to appreciate and respect his work as a parent, and focus on that rather than his sub-par breadwinning. However, I suspect that OP may be caught up in traditional gender roles.

[Anonymous]

With respect, this sounds immature. You say your husband does not appreciate your professional field about which you are passionate? Why does it matter if a spouse is excited about your work? And you say he is professionally lost, but he has a job and a master's degree. Is this one of those "my husband is a failure because he only makes $150k" posts? Because there are many, many families in my circle with 2 or more kids making less than 100k and getting by and enjoying life. If you want a second child you two can make it work. But it sounds like you aren't in love, and would be able to tolerate that for more money, but not for the current amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With respect, this sounds immature. You say your husband does not appreciate your professional field about which you are passionate? Why does it matter if a spouse is excited about your work? And you say he is professionally lost, but he has a job and a master's degree. Is this one of those "my husband is a failure because he only makes $150k" posts? Because there are many, many families in my circle with 2 or more kids making less than 100k and getting by and enjoying life. If you want a second child you two can make it work. But it sounds like you aren't in love, and would be able to tolerate that for more money, but not for the current amount.

This is somewhat correct, but not entirely. If he was fulfilled by his work and it made him happy, I wouldn't mind as much. He makes less than you think (well under 100k) and feels dissatisfied with his work. He is very smart, which attracted me in the first place, but has had a hard time finding his way and has been floundering for a long time.

For me, work isn't just work, it is a big part of my identity outside of business hours too.

"But is sounds like you aren't in love." This is so true.

[cupolatte]

It sounds like you are so disappointed with marriage. I can sure understand why when you describe the loneliness you're feeling. What's your greatest wish for your marriage? Do you wish to feel loved, not just physically, but emotionally? Do you feel marriage is best when two people are completely compatible? Since there's no perfect marriage, I believe opposites do attract and that each can help the other by their strengths to help the other’s weaknesses. It sounds like you're very intelligent and capable. I believe your husband has capabilities that you don’t have. It’s great that you're nice to each other, I believe there is much hope for your marriage and that its completely possible to fall in love again with the man you married ten years ago and most of all for him to grow deeply in love with you! It happened for me. I know that Focus On The Family has free licensed councelors you can simply call up… for help 1-800-A-Family. Please keep in touch, I care about you

[Anonymous]

My best friend is in this same place except let it fester and now they hate each other. All because her husband isn't ambitious about his career. Think of you life at 80 yrs old. What would be important to you at that point because you have two reasonable choices. First, admit you made a mistake and diviorce. Think through ALL the consequences therein. Impact on child, loneliness, dating with child, him dating with child and you have no control over that situation, possible blended families for your child and yourself, etc.

Second choice: you accept your husband for who he is warts and all and support him so he can become his best self so that you can become your best self. Find what you loved about him, let him take on the home responsibilities so you can really soar at work. Be proud of your families non-Traditional approach to forming a family and own your choices. How will your child feel in this scenario? How will your husband feel? How will you feel? My DH could have written this lost about me and yet because I am a dw it doesn't occur to him that me working part time and caring for the house is an issue because I am a woman. Don't let sex roles get in the way of your Perfectly happy and functional
life. And keep having sex - which will make him all the better at supporting your career.

Good luck op - we are rooting for you to find your best path!

[Anonymous]

I was unhappy with my husband's financial and career situation several years ago. I did plan to divorce over it. I know some might say it's superficial but it really did bother me to the point of depression that Dh made so little money. We were also behind in our bills and in serious debt. We went to marriage counseling and I made it clear to DH that I just couldn't stay with someone who couldn't pull their weight financially. I'm not saying he needed to make some ridiculous salary but at a certain point I felt like I was over struggling and it either had to change or I wanted the opportunity to find someone more stable. Luckily DH made a career change and makes a lot more money now. I have to say it's definitely made life easier also.

I agree you have to decide if you can deal with it or not. If you can't then it's probably best to part ways. For me it was eating me up inside so if things didn't change I know I would have left ultimately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP, no one is perfect but your complaints sound minor in nature given you have a kid together. Yes it would have been better if you found someone more compatible in the first place, but here you are. Trust me I can relate, DH and I are similarly mismatched in interest. Most days we have 0 to talk about other than our child. But that's OK, I appreciate the positives about him: his a loyal spouse and a loving father and if the crap hits the fan in life I know he will be there for me. Try to create a new common interest to reconnect. We like to travel for instanse. You need to try and work it out for your child.

This. I was feeling the way you did but I had a cancer scare recently and the way DH acted really put things in perspective for me.