What to do? Marriage, compatibility, & financial issues

[Anonymous]

How to deal with having grown apart? We married in our mid 20's and are in our mid 30's now, one child. If we didn't have a child, I would go my separate way. DH is a good person, but we are so very very different. I regret not listening to the counselor in our one required pre-marriage meeting. Based on the inventory we took, we were pretty incompatible.

We don't fight and we are nice to one another. He is a caring dad. It feels lonely though. I am very passionate about my work which he has no interest in or knowledge of. He is sort of lost professionally. This is a huge turn-off to me. He has a job that he is dissatisfied with and a very impractical graduate degree and is basically starting over now. He couldn't support the family without me. At this point I expected to be settling into a stable life and moving up. I am very ambitious. He is not ambitious. Having another baby together would be a mess. He tries to initiate sex all the time and I try to avoid it. I don't feel like I can be vulnerable with him because he won't be able to take care of things from a financial perspective if we had a second child (which I would love to have but not in this situation).

[Anonymous]

What do you mean how to deal? Is divorce on the table or not?

[Anonymous]

Is he a good man? Decent, faithful? Do you think you could replace him with better?

You sound bored. That's a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How to deal with having grown apart? We married in our mid 20's and are in our mid 30's now, one child. If we didn't have a child, I would go my separate way. DH is a good person, but we are so very very different. I regret not listening to the counselor in our one required pre-marriage meeting. Based on the inventory we took, we were pretty incompatible.

b.

When the counselor told you that you were incompatible- what made you decide to continue? You need to revisit (in your mind) why you married your DH- and try to rekindle what attracted you to him.

[Anonymous]

I am not bored. I am upset that he isn't a good provider and is lost professionally and I have to pull the weight and give up a lot of what I want.

[Anonymous]

Ok, welcome to the 21st. century where many women outearn men. This seems to be all about money. Find a way to earn more if that is what you need to make you happy. You really shouldn't rely so heavily on someone else to provide you with physical or emotional support.

[Anonymous]

Figure out ways to grow closer together. Or separate and cut your losses. Or go on being miserable and hiding your feelings from him until you can't take it and things are so far gone they're irreparable.

I don't recommend the last one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not bored. I am upset that he isn't a good provider and is lost professionally and I have to pull the weight and give up a lot of what I want.

So it's all about you.

I think that many men could express the same sentiment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a good man? Decent, faithful? Do you think you could replace him with better?

You sound bored. That's a you problem.

She doesn't sound bored.

And why would she need to replace him? It's not about jumping from one relationship to the next. She's recognizing that they are not on the same path and wondering where to go from here.

[Anonymous]

It takes two to make a relationship successful. What are you going to do to make it work?

[Anonymous]

Well OP, no one is perfect but your complaints sound minor in nature given you have a kid together. Yes it would have been better if you found someone more compatible in the first place, but here you are. Trust me I can relate, DH and I are similarly mismatched in interest. Most days we have 0 to talk about other than our child. But that's OK, I appreciate the positives about him: his a loyal spouse and a loving father and if the crap hits the fan in life I know he will be there for me. Try to create a new common interest to reconnect. We like to travel for instanse. You need to try and work it out for your child.

[Anonymous]

Once you have gotten far enough along to have a child together, you need to suck it up. Especially if you knew all along that you weren't compatible and got married regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not bored. I am upset that he isn't a good provider and is lost professionally and I have to pull the weight and give up a lot of what I want.

This is the problem, in a nut shell. If he was a good provider you wouldn't be worrying about "compatibility." I hear you, it sucks to be stuck in a situation like that. I am in your boat, too.

That said, would your situation improve if you divorced? It probably wouldn't....

I find it helps to think about my pick in mate as like a chronic disease that I have to live with... we all have shit we have to live with... some people have to live with, say, Lupus, I have to live with someone who was dramatically overconfident about his professional trajectory. There is good and bad in everyone's life.

[Anonymous]

OP: Would you be happier going it alone (single parenting) vs your current relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not bored. I am upset that he isn't a good provider and is lost professionally and I have to pull the weight and give up a lot of what I want.

You can't change that he isn't a good provider and lost professionally. You either have to learn to deal with it, or not.

If not, i.e. you divorce, you will have to pull more weight and give up more of what you want.

Does your DH know how you feel?