Weird or normal? Young child's aunts and uncles come to birthday, but don't give a gift...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you always give gifts to their kids before you had kids?

Yeah, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask them if something's wrong? This honestly doesn't seem that weird to me. But if it seems so contrary to the normal "culture" in your family, I'd ask. Then if there's a relationship issue, you can sort it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible you've said in their presence that he has so much or they've seen how much he has and it's looked overwhelming so they thought he didn't need anything? Or that they talked to your husband who said "Just bring yourselves!"

No. Husband thought it was really weird too, so I know he didn't say anything like that. We're not the type to care about "stuff" so maybe they assumed we wouldn't care about this ... again, it's the sentiment of it that hurt my feelings, not that the child actually needs more gifts. I think I'd feel a lot better if I understood the reasoning behind it, wish it were something like this.

OP, you sound a lot like me i.e. not caring about having more "stuff". My brother and his wife and three kids showed up to my son's first birthday party empty handed and I felt hurt as well but had a hard time wading through my emotions about it. My brother's kids are older now (tweens and teens) and I still send them gift cards for their birthday not to mention I spent much of their younger years showering them with gifts and fun excursions. It's weird in my opinion to show up without a gift to your niece/nephew's birthday party. I keep reminding myself that at least they showed up

[Anonymous]

Is there a significant difference in your HHIs? Maybe when they get your gifts they write it off as something that "rich Auntie Susie" does, but assume it would not be expected of them? Just grasping at straws here, because it does seem weird that none of the three would think to bring anything. Gifts for young kids are fun to buy and don't need to be expensive.

I think you're already looking at the bright side, less stuff to deal with. Also, fewer thank you cards to write.

As far as when you child is older, if you have a good attitude about it and accept it as normal, your child will too.

[Anonymous]

Normal in my family, but we're not "gifty" people. We celebrate by being together.

My family comes from very poor origins overseas - I think gifts just weren't common because no one had resources. I'm not big on them myself.l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a significant difference in your HHIs? Maybe when they get your gifts they write it off as something that "rich Auntie Susie" does, but assume it would not be expected of them? Just grasping at straws here, because it does seem weird that none of the three would think to bring anything. Gifts for young kids are fun to buy and don't need to be expensive.

I think you're already looking at the bright side, less stuff to deal with. Also, fewer thank you cards to write.

As far as when you child is older, if you have a good attitude about it and accept it as normal, your child will too.

No, we're all relatively comparable as far as HHI, none of us wealthy by any stretch, but none of us hurting at all either. My household is not the highest HHI in the bunch. It does seem like there must be some element of "that's just something Aunt Suzie does" without the rich part, though.

Yeah, I think I just need to shift my expectations of how we show we care about each other and each other's kids. I think one aspect that stings a little is that I know none of them would show up to a friend's kid's party without anything at all for the kid, and probably not even for nieces/nephews on their spouses' sides of the family either, if for no other reason than they wouldn't want to be seen as rude (and I do think it would occur to them in those contexts that it would be noticed and possibly hurtful) - I'm not sure why it's different within our immediate family, but if it becomes consistent with all of the nieces/nephews then I guess it'll just be our norm. The thing is, it hasn't been this way before, at least not consistently or that I've noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal in my family, but we're not "gifty" people. We celebrate by being together.

My family comes from very poor origins overseas - I think gifts just weren't common because no one had resources. I'm not big on them myself.l

OP here. I quite like this, if it's consistent and your family's tradition. It just hasn't been established this way in my family in the past, but maybe it will going forward.

[Anonymous]

OP, following up on last comment; in fact, one of my parents had a birthday celebration within a few days of my child's, and one of the siblings gifted the parent very extravagantly. Of course one's parent is different from one's niece or nephew, but it made it feel even weirder to me, because it seemed clear that deciding not to gift was not about the money or about making our family tradition be togetherness without gifting.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP,

Why not just flag this to everyone next time there's a party?
Email everyone ahead of time and say:

"So are we not doing presents for the kids anymore? Just noticed a trend at the last few birthdays... is it fine if I bring one for Claire? Saw something I know she'll love!"

I'm passive-aggressive like this.

[Anonymous]

In our family, we give gifts to nieces and nephews for their birthdays as well as for special accomplishments.

I think aunts and uncles are special people in a kid's life. They are supposed to spoil them a bit. As an aunt, I want to be their favorite person, who is fun and cool. The parents can do the parenting!

[Anonymous]

I never remember to pick up a gift for my nieces, but I send something from Amazon. Maybe the packages are coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, OP,

Why not just flag this to everyone next time there's a party?
Email everyone ahead of time and say:

"So are we not doing presents for the kids anymore? Just noticed a trend at the last few birthdays... is it fine if I bring one for Claire? Saw something I know she'll love!"

I'm passive-aggressive like this.

I don't know, it would be easier if there were an open and universal "we're not gifting to kids" policy; but also, I want to give gifts to my nieces and nephews on special occasions, even if nobody else does. And I don't want to be the asshole who calls everyone out or asks about it, I'm truly embarrassed that I even care. When I'm the only one out of four who does (or doesn't do) something, I tend to think I must be the weird one. I do wish I could understand the reasoning behind it. If there's ever an easy or lighthearted moment to ask about it, I will - if someone jokes about not buying the kids gifts or something, maybe I would ask then "so is that what we're all doing now, should I back off with the gifts and fall in line?" and see what the responses are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never remember to pick up a gift for my nieces, but I send something from Amazon. Maybe the packages are coming.

Maybe, but I'm not aware of any of my immediate family ever having sent anyone else in the family something by mail. We all live in the same town and see each other a lot, and all were in attendance at the party. I would be very surprised if this happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family, we give gifts to nieces and nephews for their birthdays as well as for special accomplishments.

I think aunts and uncles are special people in a kid's life. They are supposed to spoil them a bit. As an aunt, I want to be their favorite person, who is fun and cool. The parents can do the parenting!

This is how I feel too! But maybe I am the only one in my large family to feel that way. Which I will need to just get over, I guess. I was just hoping to understand the reasoning behind it, which would help me get over it, because I think like you do and can't understand it at all. But I know my perspective is not universal, and would like to understand theirs.

[Anonymous]

I also have three siblings and I wouldn't even notice that none of them brought my toddler a gift. It's just not important to me. I never remember my nephews' birthdays because they live far away and I've never been a birthday person anyway. I just don't think that a gift=love. It's different if this is a new development I suppose.