how to get my mom to "drop it"

[Anonymous]

she needs a timeout, and if your sister continues, time her out too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Mom, husband and I have a limited amount of leave and travel funds for each year. Historically, we've spent the bulk of it visiting you, but this year it's not feasible for us. I understand that's disappointing, but your reaction is really stressful for me. I hope that you can respect that we're doing the best we can here, but if you can't, let's agree to disagree and take a break.

Then if the calls and threats don't stop, block her number for the time being. I know that sounds awful, but I've had to do with some one who just would not stop calling and didn't take no for an answer. You can always unblock your mother when she calms down.

An alternative to blocking is setting the ring tone for her number to silent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also agree that a heartfelt, "I'm disappointed that you won't consider visiting us this summer" said calmly might get through to her a little bit.

I wouldn't focus on "your house is not baby-proofed" as much as "the twins are in a stage where they're just into everything." If you give reasons related to things she could fix, she might promise to baby-proof but then what can you do when you fly all the way there and it hasn't been done?

[Anonymous]

Here's how you get her to drop it:

E-mail: "Hi mom. As you know DH can't travel this summer and I cannot manage the flight alone. So I have a reservation for you on a flight Wednesday and we all leave to go back the next day. So you can sit with a twin, and I will be in a different row with the other twin and 4 yr old. Bummer we cant all sit together, huh? But that's airline travel nowadays. Anyway, then 2 weeks later, I have you on our flight coming back, with a return flight back home for just you the next day. Does that work for you?" See what she says.

[Anonymous]

PP here - and also throw in, "Can you pick up the cost of your flights since I have to pay for 4 tickets?"

[Anonymous]

Op this is ridiculous!! Of course you cannot travel with 18 mo twins and 3 yr old!!!!!!! Reality check - it is NUTS.

Is your family usually unreasonable?

The only thing to do is stand in your truth of who you are and resist their pressure. You can do it. We're with you.

Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how you get her to drop it:

E-mail: "Hi mom. As you know DH can't travel this summer and I cannot manage the flight alone. So I have a reservation for you on a flight Wednesday and we all leave to go back the next day. So you can sit with a twin, and I will be in a different row with the other twin and 4 yr old. Bummer we cant all sit together, huh? But that's airline travel nowadays. Anyway, then 2 weeks later, I have you on our flight coming back, with a return flight back home for just you the next day. Does that work for you?" See what she says.

Except for this to work, you need to have her sitting with all three kids, alone. "You'll have twin A in your lap, and 4 year old next to you. I'll buy an extra seat so you have some room for Twin B. I'll be all the way in back (such awful seating arrangements!) all by myself sadly." Bring magazines, ear plugs, and buy a cocktail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Mom, husband and I have a limited amount of leave and travel funds for each year. Historically, we've spent the bulk of it visiting you, but this year it's not feasible for us. I understand that's disappointing, but your reaction is really stressful for me. I hope that you can respect that we're doing the best we can here, but if you can't, let's agree to disagree and take a break.

Then if the calls and threats don't stop, block her number for the time being. I know that sounds awful, but I've had to do with some one who just would not stop calling and didn't take no for an answer. You can always unblock your mother when she calms down.

I think this is the best response. Your family sounds nutso, sorry.

[Anonymous]

I think you have bigger problems with your mom then your inability to see her this summer. Does she always act like this when things don't go her way? It's time to start some gentle boundaries. No yelling, no screaming, etc. You don't need to get her to "drop it" you just need to be consistent with your own boundaries. As for your sister- she clearly is enmeshed with mom if she can't separate herself from your problems with mom. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

I hope your mother is getting the therapy she clearly needs. Manipulative behavior like this, this pathological lack of insight and concern for anybody but herself--these things are serious problems. Sometimes it can be hard to see "the crazy" when it is so normal for us...let me assure you, your mother needs help and like a lot of other posters here have said, you will be much better off with firm boundaries and some distance.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you everyone! You all pretty much said what Ive been thinking and what my spouse has been saying. I just needed to hear opinions from neutral parties. My relationship with my parents, mainly my mom, has been strained. I keep trying to make it work, banging my head against the same wall, but I know I need to stop. Depressingly, even the times Ive visited at her request, it's never enough anyway. Not sure what she is even looking for from us, but I probably need to spend less time worrying.

[Anonymous]

I'd ignore both of them. You have already explained your reasons for not coming. You are self-sufficient adult and have your own family now. No one can tell you what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have family that "threatens you". They sound uneducated.

It seems kind of ignorant to think that education level and emotional intelligence are correlated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you everyone! You all pretty much said what Ive been thinking and what my spouse has been saying. I just needed to hear opinions from neutral parties. My relationship with my parents, mainly my mom, has been strained. I keep trying to make it work, banging my head against the same wall, but I know I need to stop. Depressingly, even the times Ive visited at her request, it's never enough anyway. Not sure what she is even looking for from us, but I probably need to spend less time worrying.

OP, I had a friend like your mother, I let the nonsense go on much longer than I should have, and by chance, I recently came across a clinical name for this pattern of behavior - unmeetable neediness. Just hearing the name of it helped me understand that I had done nothing wrong - the amount of need this person is demanding from you is unmeetable - nothing you do will ever satisfy her. There are probably a lot of reasons for why she's like this, but she's not the one here posting for help, so I won't go into that angle of it.

Now, this is your mother, not a friend, so you probably don't want to cut her off, but it sounds like you definitely need some strong boundaries. She is harassing you. Let her know that you see this for what it is, and that you're taking a break for the next month, and block her number until then.

[Anonymous]

Who would really benefit for this trip? Gramma just wants to "win" and brag to her friends about her grandkids visiting? Seriously, the kids wouldn't even remember the experience, but you would-- as one of the most logistically nightmarish trips of your life. And grammy would just ignore that fact that YOU WERE THE ONE who had to drag small children through the airport. As others have said, she's just being a brat. If there is nothing to gain from this on your end, forget it. Sounds like she's trying to be some sort of absolute monarch. Let her be mad. That's all she can do to you is be mad at you.