Scheduling and family beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could also do a rotation on choice. Sibling one gets first choice in year one, then second choice in year 2 then 3rd choice. It could be for a 2 week block or 2 one week blocks, with the rest of the summer up for grabs.

I think this makes sense. It's similar to the "time-sharing model" described in a Nolo book, "Saving the Family Cottage," which you might find helpful. (The book talks more specifically about shared ownership when a cabin or beach place is passed on to the kids. While the message of the book is meant to be encouraging--here's how to share the family place!--it seemed exhausting to me, in part because of the kind of problem you are running into.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oy. Thanks everyone for the divergent views! And for the suggestions about how to manage - I think we need to do something a bit more formal in the future.

Fwiw I am the 10/11hr drive sibling; with 2 elementary kids and a FT job, the only realistic thing for me is one longer trip. It's just too long a drive (or too much $$ on flights and rental car) to do twice in one summer.

I'm hesitant to push back on my sibling who lives nearby. He isn't the caretaker per se but visits our parent (who has very advanced Alzheimers) twice a week and does most of the day-to-day calls that come in regarding minor issues. For which we are all truly grateful.

But he sent out an email last week about date preferences while I was in a closed-door meeting for work, and by the time I got to my email, he and other sibs had grabbed all of August. I asked everyone if they had any flexibility and he alone pushed back. He gave up a weekend last August for another sibling and is apparently still angry about it.

I get his sense of grievance, but at the same time, he always takes a week in late August, usually including Labor Day, when those of us with kids are not able to go. And half the dates he claims, they wind up not using because his wife doesn't like to be at the beach unless it's sunny and warm.

At this stage I either have to push him, which I hate to do, or reschedule kids' camps (if that's even possible) or just find somewhere else to go. Maybe the PP is right about selling the house. It would kill me, it's the last piece of my late mother that I have, and that's one of the reasons I love to go there. But maybe it's just not realistic to think that there can be an easy way to manage this kind of thing....

Ok, but if you know everyone fights over August, why didn't you just plan to go in July from the beginning?

Once second parent dies, how will you all handle maintenance issues, especially expensive ones that are bound to pop up?

[Anonymous]

I'm also a sibling that lives 11 hours away from the vacation house (cottage) my family has owned since before I was born. It has incredible sentimental value to all of us and is incredibly important to the family. My sister that lives closer always gets first dibs on all dates and I clear all visits with her in advance. She and her husband do all of the long term maintenance of the place, it's only fair they get first choice on it.

If my dates don't work, I go elsewhere or I reschedule. However, she is (usually) awesome about being accommodating and I really appreciate it but that may also be because I make sure to work with her early and often to clear any trips up there I'd like to make.

I will say, however, that the PP who commented your parents didn't do you any favors leaving the house to all of you is correct. It never works out well and more often than not leads to such massive fallings out between the inheritors that the house ends up sold within a few years, usually with a lot of deferred maintenance built up. The only times I've witnessed a transfer working out well is when the parents picked ONE person to inherit the place. It creates some hard feelings in the moment but it causes much less damage over the long term than trying to force multiple families to share not only the use of the place but the maintenance and upkeep.

[Anonymous]

Hmm... It sounds like you just need to divide out weeks. 52 weeks a year divided by 3.... roughly 17 a year. Spread them out evenly over the year. Those are the weeks available to you. If you want to work out a trade with another siblings week, great. You don't have to involve the 3rd sibling. Switch up the weeks every year, or just know those are your weeks and you have to work around them.

My family has a house. Our parents are still living. We can go whenever, but so can they. And we cant reserve it over a sibling-- everyone always welcome. They plan to sell before they pass. I often wonder what we would do if they didn't.

One idea I ponder is this- Hire a management company? Go through them to "rent" the house. Pay them the fees for maintenance, cleaning crew, taxes, etc. Have them manage all things- including you all. Costs you all money, but may be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Get out your calendars and duke it out.

FWIW, I think the long-distance siblings with kids deserve first shot at the only weeks that work for them.

Totally disagree with this. The primary caretaker for the parent should get first dibs.

I didn't read that he/she is "primary caretaker" - the parent is in 24/7 nursing care. The sibling is lives closer and probably manages the process. Still no reason to pick the only weekend that works for the other siblings.

It is still an undertaking. BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousins, who don't particularly get along, share a beach house and they swap months. So one gets July one year and August the next, and vice versa.

You could also do a rotation on choice. Sibling one gets first choice in year one, then second choice in year 2 then 3rd choice. It could be for a 2 week block or 2 one week blocks, with the rest of the summer up for grabs.

+1 to both of these suggestions. It is the only way that it is fair to everyone. Rotate either selection turns or actual weeks/months.

This combination seems the most fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oy. Thanks everyone for the divergent views! And for the suggestions about how to manage - I think we need to do something a bit more formal in the future.

Fwiw I am the 10/11hr drive sibling; with 2 elementary kids and a FT job, the only realistic thing for me is one longer trip. It's just too long a drive (or too much $$ on flights and rental car) to do twice in one summer.

I'm hesitant to push back on my sibling who lives nearby. He isn't the caretaker per se but visits our parent (who has very advanced Alzheimers) twice a week and does most of the day-to-day calls that come in regarding minor issues. For which we are all truly grateful.

But he sent out an email last week about date preferences while I was in a closed-door meeting for work, and by the time I got to my email, he and other sibs had grabbed all of August. I asked everyone if they had any flexibility and he alone pushed back. He gave up a weekend last August for another sibling and is apparently still angry about it.

I get his sense of grievance, but at the same time, he always takes a week in late August, usually including Labor Day, when those of us with kids are not able to go. And half the dates he claims, they wind up not using because his wife doesn't like to be at the beach unless it's sunny and warm.

At this stage I either have to push him, which I hate to do, or reschedule kids' camps (if that's even possible) or just find somewhere else to go. Maybe the PP is right about selling the house. It would kill me, it's the last piece of my late mother that I have, and that's one of the reasons I love to go there. But maybe it's just not realistic to think that there can be an easy way to manage this kind of thing....

Set up your August dates for next summer and go in July this summer.

yeah. Sorry OP. I totally get where you coming from BUT, I have to question why you booked camps for July without checking your preferred beach house dates with your siblings first. That would have been my first step, like in January. Were you maybe making assumptions that you would get the weeks you want (because you are far away, kids school schedules, etc.)? I think you should get two weeks that work for your family, but you probably should have dealt with that scheduling before locking in camps.

[Anonymous]

If there are three siblings have each pick a week. then, whoever went first goes last in the next picking. Continue.

[Anonymous]

I,too, think you should choose by week. Let's face it, June, July and August are probably the most popular time periods. And, you MUST start early--like in Sept for next summer. Together, choose a sibling choice pattern: oldest,middle, youngest and repeat Until you get through all of the weeks. Next year would be middle, youngest, oldest. To the OP who lives farthest away, once you get your two weeks, you can drop out of the rotation for the year.

[Anonymous]

I think you all will have to trade off for August. Not everyone should have dibs every years. That's not fair to anyone.

I think that there should be a lottery, kind of like a fantasy league. Go in order and start from the top again. The first one to pick this year goes to the back of the line next year, and so on.

People have scheduling issues, no doubt. That will only increase as kids get older. But, they aren't entitled to have it catered to to the exclusion of everyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like you are being a little difficult here. For whatever reason, you are digging in your heels about wanting August dates. You are blaming it on having kids (camp schedules), but really it sounds like something different - that you just don't want your sibling to get what he (or his wife who you clearly dislike) wants. Why does having kids mean you MUST take your 2-week vacation in August? This is obviously a recurring issue based on your comment about brother giving up an August weekend last year. Why can't you just plan your kids camps accordingly in the future and take your 2-week vacation in July? I don't understand the preference for all of you for August anyway. Summer is summer and a beach vacation anytime during it is still a vacation. Why not do 4th of July or Memorial Day? What are you guys really fighting about - is it just control??

[Anonymous]

OP, you're being difficult, and it would be great if you could recognize (and maybe even appreciate) the role of the close-in sibling in caring for your remaining parent (even if it's "just" taking calls from the assisted living place and visiting a few times a week - it's a burden you have been relieved of).

[Anonymous]

Does your August vacation include days in town where you are focused on your elderly father? That would make a difference in my feelings. If you are traveling to your elderly father's area for two weeks and plan to spend it all at the beach, then I see why your brother is not feeling generous. If you are planning a 4 week trip, split between visiting Dad and taking over doctor's appointments, then maybe you can switch those days around.

[Anonymous]

OK, I take all these points - but I don't think the piling on is fair. I shouldn't have booked camps without staking my own claims but since I left 5 weeks open, I thought I was safe. August has only been an issue for last year and this one.

And for the record, I don't undervalue the local sibling's role as the point person for our father. Not for a second. And yes I spend part of our trip visiting him.

I posted here precisely because I don't want to be a PITA. If I hadn't been in a meeting when my brother chose to start the scheduling, I would have been able to claim time before others did. As it is, all I've done at this point is asked whether the siblings who staked claims to dates have any flexibility. Now I have to decide whether to be pushier or just walk away.

I really do appreciate all the input here, especially on the suggestions for how to deal with the schedule in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I take all these points - but I don't think the piling on is fair. I shouldn't have booked camps without staking my own claims but since I left 5 weeks open, I thought I was safe. August has only been an issue for last year and this one.

And for the record, I don't undervalue the local sibling's role as the point person for our father. Not for a second. And yes I spend part of our trip visiting him.

I posted here precisely because I don't want to be a PITA. If I hadn't been in a meeting when my brother chose to start the scheduling, I would have been able to claim time before others did. As it is, all I've done at this point is asked whether the siblings who staked claims to dates have any flexibility. Now I have to decide whether to be pushier or just walk away.

I really do appreciate all the input here, especially on the suggestions for how to deal with the schedule in the future.

As a separate issue, I think sending an email and leaving it as a "whoever responds first gets what they want" free-for-all is pretty unfair. You guys should agree that scheduling weeks is done at an agreed upon time when you can have a group conversation. It shouldn't just be whoever responds to an email first.

But again - why is everyone vying over the same weeks when there's a whole summer to work with?