Reply to My sister is quitting her job to care for my mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Great ideas. They dont have pea pod in their area but I might call around a try and find some sort of food delivery option. I could have one load dropped off at my moms and another one at her house.  Cleaning service is another good idea. My mom has one but not sure is SIL does.  Keep the ideas coming.  As for going on a vacation I think that sounds ideal and will try and get with other sibs and make that work.  She doesn't have children, which is another reason I feel bad.  I feel like she kinda felt she had to do it since the rest of us are raising our kids. I dont want it to seem like her free time is less valuable because she is child free. [/quote]

Tread this very lightly.  I would not be ok with you doing a cleaning service in my home.  I think its great others do it, but I would not want someone in my home/personal space.  Same goes with food, it would be uncomfortable for me.  Honestly, calling and seeing how she is, calling mom and visiting and while you visiting take over the daily care are the best things you can do.  Money does not solve its a difficult situation in this case and your sister wants to do it or feels obligated, so let her.  It isn't about having kids or not.  She is the only one stepping up to do it.    Offering her money, food, vacations is not the way to go.  If anything, have your mom change the will so sister is left slightly more of the share for caring for mom as an appreciation.  Your sister has already declined money.  While the other posters are well intentioned, it puts her is an uncomfortable situation to decline.  Your helping - time is far more important.[/quote]

I don't agree with this at all.  I think these are situations where it's really true that it's the thought that counts.  If you do nothing bc you're afraid she might not like it, she doesn't see you making any effort at all and she may come to resent you.  Keep talking with her about what she needs and how you can help.  The vacation idea is a good one.  Any expenses you can pick up will make it seem like the burden is being shared more equally.  I saw my Mom bear the burden of caring for both her parents as they aged, despite having three siblings, because she was the only one who lived in the area.  The other siblings are generally good people but I don't think they had any idea how hard it was and they didn't do anything extra financially or otherwise, which made it seem like they didn't appreciate the sacrifices my Mom was making.

One thing that really bothered my mother was when her siblings would show up for brief periods of time and question her decisions (like when her mother had Alzheimers and had to be institutionalized, her brother showed up for about a week and decided that really that wasn't necessary.  Meanwhile, my grandmother was putting on a "good face" for him and he wasn't seeing the worst of her behavior (violent outbursts, refusing to eat, attempting to run away) that my Mom and grandfather had to deal with.  My mother was very hurt and angry about this).  So I would say, you should also defer to your sister in this space - when she tells you something is necessary, don't question her unless you have a really good reason to.[/quote]

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