Should I talk to the adult leader?

[Anonymous]

It's the "I don't care" comment that gets me. That's inappropriate. The group leader ought to have told your DS that he'd get more lines in the next play, or something placating. "I don't care" is dismissive and hurtful. No wonder your child was crying.

I'd ask your child to email or call the adult leader, explain the situation and ask to be moved to another group. The 9th grader was obviously not trained very well to be a leader, and the adult leader ought to know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My issue isn't that your DS has fewer lines but the response of the 'leader' was inappropriate. I'm assuming one of the goals of the group is to help kids develop leadership and team skills. If what your DS reported is true, the youth leader needs to get some feedback and direction on better ways to respond to a team member.

This. I wouldn't be too happy if this was the response of the group leader but sometimes kids aren't going to get what they want. No, you shouldn't do anything about that. I would however have a talk with the person in charge about how they train the group leaders to talk to the kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adult and work with 6th graders in a volunteer role. I'm sorry but if a kid is taking up my time with whining and doesn't stop when I've tried being nice or placating then I too might say that I don't care. You also don't know the context of the "I don't care" comment. Honestly the 9th grader does not care, and this is really feedback that young people need to get. You have no idea of the context of the comment either. Kids don't always give you the whole picture. I've found that when talking to these kids about their complaints about their parents or teachers they are very one sided.

Many kids are so coddled that they have no concept of how they come across in a group and how annoying they can be to the ENTIRE group. I see it all the time and it's always the same type of kid, usually the only child (but not always) has no idea what it's like to not have everything go their way. They have no compulsion about moping, taking the whole group time up for their minor complaints. It's a tough balance managing kids, you want feedback but you don't want to waste time with inconsequential trivial complaints.

Honestly, if I were you, I would go and speak to the youth leader that told your child he did not care. You need to assess if the youth leader was being callous, and give him that feedback, or if your child is being a whiner and then address that with your son.

Either way this is a fantastic teaching moment for your son. This may lead to him learning how to advocate for himself or to attenuate whining behavior or how to deal with disappointment.

This idea of switching is not a good one, he needs to face a little adversity, switching is just going to teach him to punk out and not challenge himself or authority.

[Anonymous]

When your kid is in MS (or in FCPS getting ready to start MS) it's time to land the helicopter, and let them learn some self advocacy.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I talked to my son this passed weekend. He seemed completely understanding, calm, felt fine.
He said he would continue the activity, would stay at the group. So I thought ok, sounds
good, I'll let him try and learn.

Today I remind him of the meeting tomorrow (make sure he finishes his school project tonight),
his group is going to do the play in front of everyone. He said he wanted to skip this meeting, but
will go to the future ones.

Should I let him? or Should I make him go(not 100% sure if I can)?

Thank!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know your child best. I could totally see any 9th grader saying he didn't care if a younger kid was whining and whining about a perceived slight. SOmeone has to get the bad part - it's only logical. If that kid is a pill about it and can't let it go, any kid would lose their temper. The fact that your 6th grader cried about a youth group play leads me to believe he is very sensitive. Does this happen often?

Flip side, if the leader is the pill and disregards a legitimate complaint (maybe the lines are fluid amongst characters and could have been reassigned) then your kid needs to watch the situation and bring it up to a supervisor if it continues. Once instance is not enough for me to barge in as a parent.

I agree with this post.

We have all reached that point of "I don't care about how much you whine, no means no."

Before getting upset with the leader, I would look into what behavior from your son got the leader to the point of telling him "I don't care."

Do you really, honestly, think that would be the leader's reaction if your son respectfully came to him on the side and said something along the lines of "Excuse me, but would you consider giving me a bigger part? I love acting and think I am capable of more lines."??

Or do you think that reaction from the leader might have been prompted by your son (and perhaps a few others) going on and on with a bunch of "it's not fair" "Why did Larla get the big part? I wanted that part" and "My part sucks. I don't want this part" (insert eye rolling, arguing, dramatic sighs and passionate body language.

Having my own kids of that age, I am fairly confident there was a lot of behavior by your son and other kids that led to this emphatic "I don't care" from the leader.

Just looking at things objectively.

Besides...someone needs to get the small parts and most parts ARE smaller or supporting parts. Your son shoukd be happy he got lines. In most theatrical performances most kids end up as chorus members or bit parts. If he likes theater he needs to get used to that idea fairly quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I talked to my son this passed weekend. He seemed completely understanding, calm, felt fine.
He said he would continue the activity, would stay at the group. So I thought ok, sounds
good, I'll let him try and learn.

Today I remind him of the meeting tomorrow (make sure he finishes his school project tonight),
his group is going to do the play in front of everyone. He said he wanted to skip this meeting, but
will go to the future ones.

Should I let him? or Should I make him go(not 100% sure if I can)?

Thank!

Wait.

He has a part in their play but wants to skip the performance because he doesn't like his small part?

Your kid does not deserve a larger part then. He is too selfish to be a member of an ensemble performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I talked to my son this passed weekend. He seemed completely understanding, calm, felt fine.
He said he would continue the activity, would stay at the group. So I thought ok, sounds
good, I'll let him try and learn.

Today I remind him of the meeting tomorrow (make sure he finishes his school project tonight),
his group is going to do the play in front of everyone. He said he wanted to skip this meeting, but
will go to the future ones.

Should I let him? or Should I make him go(not 100% sure if I can)?

Thank!

You make a commitment, you keep the commitment. If I a reading this right, DS has a small part in a play, and wants to skip the performance, because he is upset that his role isn't bigger? If that's what's going on, then no, I would not let my child skip. That's a no brainer. The rest of his group is depending on him to play his part, even if it is only a few words. He went to the rehearsal, and if he doesn't show up at the play, they are going to need to scramble to cover his lines/part. If this is what's going on, I can't believe that this is even a question. If people are relying on you, can't pull a no show every time you get your feelings hurt.

You also seem to be saying that you don't think you can "make" him show up? If that's what's going on, you are in for a long, difficult time with a teenager. You can't make them do anything once they are too big for you to pick them up and deposit them in their rooms. For example, you also can't "make them" keep a curfew or say not to drugs. Doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You discuss the situation with him. Explain why attending is important, and make the consequences of not attending clear. You will have to think about what those might be in your situation. In our case, I might tell him that if he can't be a dependable member of a team, I can't let him get himself into another situation where other people are depending on him and he lets him down. So if he misses the play, that will tell me he is also not dependable enough to be a member of the basketball team. Or I might tell him that it takes a lot of maturity to show up for a team when you are disappointed. But that if he lacks the maturity, then he is also not mature enough to take his iPhone to school. Neither of these examples are great fits with tyour situation, but you get the drift. He attends because not attending has a negative consequence. If there isn't a negative consequence that flows naturally, make one up.

[Anonymous]

He seldom cries. This is basically the first time that he cried about something happened outside the house.
He used to be not sensitive, worry-free, happy go around, used to get rejected a lot.
Now I'm not sure, he is getting older, is more aware of himself. He is just diagnosed having asperger's, high function.

I don't know the circumstance when it happened. He said it happened when he first asked. No other kids asked, because they
all get more lines.
He's not into theater. He loves the outdoor activities the organization do, which they do most of the time.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He seldom cries. This is basically the first time that he cried about something happened outside the house.
He used to be not sensitive, worry-free, happy go around, used to get rejected a lot.
Now I'm not sure, he is getting older, is more aware of himself. He is just diagnosed having asperger's, high function.

I don't know the circumstance when it happened. He said it happened when he first asked. No other kids asked, because they
all get more lines.
He's not into theater. He loves the outdoor activities the organization do, which they do most of the time.

Thanks!

No excuse. You are letting him be a brat.

Aspergers is not an escuse for this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He seldom cries. This is basically the first time that he cried about something happened outside the house.
He used to be not sensitive, worry-free, happy go around, used to get rejected a lot.
Now I'm not sure, he is getting older, is more aware of himself. He is just diagnosed having asperger's, high function.

I don't know the circumstance when it happened. He said it happened when he first asked. No other kids asked, because they
all get more lines.
He's not into theater. He loves the outdoor activities the organization do, which they do most of the time.

Thanks!

You know what is going on better than the rest of us. Talk this out with your son and be understanding. I could see possibly letting him out of this commitment. I remember when my dd said she wanted to do soccer in K, but then one day was crying on the coach after a soccer game because she hated it so much. Well, I let her quit without finishing the season. I mean is it really worth it? A few years later, she wanted to do soccer again at age 8, and now she is fine with it. She goes to every practice and every game with no complaints.