How old were you when your parents died?

[Anonymous]

My dad died when I was 14. He was in his 40s. It's interesting to see the other PPs responses because I've never considered how it affected me. I'm a big risk-taker and put a ton of energy into making sure my kids' lives are decent if I die young.

[Anonymous]

I was 35 when my dad died. We weren't that close, but a year later I am still in shock at what a void his death has left in my life. My mom is still alive. DH's father is alive but declining and his mom is alive and well. The stress of caring for our parents along with our young children has left very little time for self care, even though we know it is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And how has it influenced your outlook on life/family planning/ self-care etc.?

I was 24 when my mom died (at 58) and 35 when I lost my dad (as 72). Both lived healthy life styles, but were no match for metastatic cancer.
While I feel lucky I made it to adulthood with both of them, I feel very cheated when so few of my friends have yet had to deal with the loss of a parent.

Losing my mom young probably contributed to my choice to have children relatively early for my social circle. It has also made me really value my siblings.
Surprisingly, it has not made me as good as I should be about getting regular cancer screenings, though luckily I have a husband who nags me until I do. I thinks that's because of both fear and denial.

My father died when I was 11.
My mom is now 76 but she has aggressive metastatic cancer so it's not looking good.

I am still shocked at the sad things that have been happening to friends and families that I know so we're pretty much happy for every day we still have on earth over here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And how has it influenced your outlook on life/family planning/ self-care etc.?

I was 24 when my mom died (at 58) and 35 when I lost my dad (as 72). Both lived healthy life styles, but were no match for metastatic cancer.
While I feel lucky I made it to adulthood with both of them, I feel very cheated when so few of my friends have yet had to deal with the loss of a parent.

Losing my mom young probably contributed to my choice to have children relatively early for my social circle. It has also made me really value my siblings.
Surprisingly, it has not made me as good as I should be about getting regular cancer screenings, though luckily I have a husband who nags me until I do. I thinks that's because of both fear and denial.

My father died when I was 11.
My mom is now 76 but she has aggressive metastatic cancer so it's not looking good.

I am still shocked at the sad things that have been happening to friends and families that I know so we're pretty much happy for every day we still have on earth over here.

Dad had a very bad heart attack that he survived only to die in heart surgery (despite being a doctor and having great doctors working on him his heart was too damaged).

[Anonymous]

My mother died when I was 23 (she was 48) and my father died when I was 30 (he was 57). Neither met their grandchildren, my mom never met my husband. It still feels weird to me that I have a family (dh and 2 kids) that my parents never knew, and vice versa - it's almost like I divide my life into when they were alive, and after. My in-laws are alive and kicking in their eighties ... (I'll save my snark about them for a different thread.)

[Anonymous]

I am 52 and have both parents. My grandmother lived until 104 so I expect longevity, at least on my mother's side.

DH lost both parents in his 20s/30s. It's hard for me to imagine.

[Anonymous]

Dad I was 31
Mom I was 37

It was rough but I always knew growing up I would lose them before I was middle aged. They both had some health issues and they had me in the 70's at 40+ (before it was common).

I often feel alone. I can't quite explain it. It was worse losing my mother though.

[Anonymous]

My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 26. I definitely spend time thinking about what would happen if my spouse died or my child died and how I would cope.

I probably spend too much time thinking about her life, the sadness and pain she experienced in later years (my dad was not a very emotionally available or loving husband), and feeling sad that she didn't live long enough to adjust to being an empty nester and find new passions in life. Her kids were the great joy of her life and she kind of floundered when we were out of the house. She died 6 months after her first grandchild was born. She was SO happy to be a grandmother and I spend a lot of time thinking about how unfair it is that she did not get to know all of her other grandchildren, and that none of them get to know her. I feel guilty that I couldn't help her have a happier life in her later years, though I know that's too much to put on myself.

Like an immediate PP said, I often feel alone and can't explain it. Even though I have the most loving, supportive spouse in the world and a great kid. It absolutely guts me that my mother never got to meet them. I feel like my life and my child's life will never be as full and happy as they would be if my mother were alive. I expect to feel this way for the rest of my life. I am always a little bit sad, even when I'm at my happiest.

I try to do what I want to do now, while I'm healthy and alive. If I'm unhappy in a job, I leave it. I devote a lot of time to family and outside pursuits and live a full life outside of work. My mother was waiting for retirement to do all the things she really wanted to do and she never got there.

[Anonymous]

I was 16 when my mom died at 52 of cancer. My dad is still alive and is 79 living on his own with his girlfriend of 25 years.

16 is obviously very very young to lose a parent, but I had an unusual "gift" literally at her funeral that gave me immediate perspective that stayed with me my whole life. One of my best high school friends found me in the bathroom at the funeral home right before the service, sitting alone. She sat with me and started to talk and cry. Then she said something that shook me, she said "Why did this happen to you? You LIKED your mom! Why couldn't it have happened to MY mom?"

I'll never forget that, couldn't believe she said why didn't her mom die instead. In that instant I understood that I may have only had my mom for 16 years, but I was lucky to have her even that long and I never resented losing her or felt abandoned. I knew she didn't want to leave me (my parents divorced when I was 3 and I'd always lived just with her after that).

So it's hard, I'm sad my daughter won't meet her in this life, but glad my DH's 2 sets of parents (parents split when he was 3 as well, each remarried and had 2 more kids) are welcoming grandparents to her.

How it affected me other than that, I understand what a gift every day with loved ones is, and I also believe in making the most out of opportunities when you have them. Our daughter got sick when she was 1.5 yrs old and was hospitalized. Of course we were freaked out and scared and also hopeful she'd be fine (which thankfully she was), but I also understood that every day with her is a gift. I know too many families who've lost kids (whether young kids or adult kids), and too many people who've had unexpected tragedies. So I live life responsibly (obviously try to always have a job and stability for myself and family), but I also try hard to enjoy it and encourage those I love to do the same.

I had a health emergency when my daughter was 2 and she unfortunately saw me on a friend's bathroom floor with blood around me and paramedics giving me an IV before taking me to the hospital. She started asking lots of questions about death and my mom when she was 5, so another way losing my mom young and my daughter knowing that plus her memory of me being hospitalized affects us is she is really sensitive to themes in books, movies or anywhere that involve a mother leaving a family or kids being hurt (like we watched a Netflix movie about a witch that drains fire from dragons and the dragons turn to stone, and near the end witch drains fire from a baby dragon (who is later saved by his mom and turned back to a living dragon) and you'd think someone had killed her puppy in front of her, she was SO DISTRESSED that the witch hurt the baby dragon). Also the great recent cartoon "Song of the Sea" where the mom and daughter are fairies, dad and brother are human, and at end daughter decides to stay with dad and brother but mom returns to fairy-land and my daughter was inconsolable "WHY DID THE MOM LEAVE THEM???"

Needless to say I try hard to know the plots of things before we watch to avoid storylines like this when I know!

[Anonymous]

My dad died of alcholism when I was 14 but my parents had been divorced about 10 yrs by then and we weren't too close. My mom is still living (and still pissed at my dad for not being the husband she wanted him to be. He's been dead about 27 yrs!)

[Anonymous]

My dad died when I was 32. He was 63 and had a lot of health problems. It's mind boggling to me that some people get to keep their fathers for 20 and even 30 years longer than I did. He died one week after meeting my first child, his first grandchild. I'm grateful for that. I worry that since he died at 63 and I'm a lot like him, my life may already be nearly 2/3 over.

[Anonymous]

I was 5 yo when my dad died.

[Anonymous]

I was 38 when my mom died of cancer, my dad died 14 mo. later of a heart attack (he had Lewy body dementia + Parkinson's) My parents divorced 30 years ago, my mom had insurance, retirement, +savings. She had a comfortable end of life. My Dad squandered his youth on drugs and booze. He died in a foster home with zero money and almost zero possessions. He was miserable at the end, I did my best but almost killed myself caring for him. I learned that I need to work hard, save abd plan for a future that might include me not doing well. I don't want my kids burdened like I was. I loved my Dad, but his dementia made him dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 52 and have both parents. My grandmother lived until 104 so I expect longevity, at least on my mother's side.

DH lost both parents in his 20s/30s. It's hard for me to imagine.

Don't... my mothers mother lived well into her late 90s. In fact, her mother was doing the NY Times crossword puzzle everyday up until 2 days before she died. I thought it meant the same for my mother. She was diagnosed with incurable stage iv cancer a few months ago and her doctor said it will be less than a year. She's 73.

[Anonymous]

I lost both parents relatively young, though not as young as some of the posters here. I was 27 when my father died and 32 when my mother died. Both of them were 63 and in great health until shortly before their deaths. My father literally dropped dead of a brain aneurysm. My mother had non-smokers lung cancer, undiagnosed, that caused a fatal stroke.

I am very close with my in-laws. I have a great husband who supported me unconditionally through both of my parents' situations, and I also have two wonderful young children, neither of whom knew my parents (both are named after them). I received a fairly significant inheritance that is helped ease the day-to-day stresses of family life. My brother and I are also closer than we were before their deaths.

I've had anxiety all my life, and I've been medicated for it since 18. My health anxiety is currently pretty bad – I worry a lot about sudden illnesses, for obvious reasons. That said, I don't cry for my parents daily, although we were very close. Because I found out I was pregnant with my older son shortly after my mother's death, I feel like my life has been divided into two parts – the part with my parents and the part with my children.

Like a previous poster, it's sort of blows my mind to see my peers with their parents. Of course, my parents were just as healthy as theirs right up until their deaths, so that easily could've been me. It is just so mind-boggling to see these relationships (adult children with their own families hanging out with THEIR parents) knowing I can never have them.

As my friends' parents start to get older, I do feel that somewhat of a silver lining is not to have to watch my parents get old. I know it can be heartbreaking and I dread it with my in-laws.