What did your significant other plan for your 40th birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The big 4-0 is coming up. It seems like lots of people use it as an occasion for a girl's trip or guy's trip or nice party. My spouse has planned nada. I mentioned going away on a trip with him, and he kind of acknowledged it, but then blew it off. I mentioned it again and he again was pretty disinterested and non-committal, so now I just feel like a huge loser for asking. There are no more hotels available for our destination now and tickets are too expensive anyway. I'd really like to do something special. After having a kid, I've lost a little bit of me, and I miss my friends and would love to do a girl's trip somewhere with them. Should I just scrap trying to pathetically coax DH into "making me feel special" (because asking someone to make you feel special is a perfect way to feel not-special) and do my own thing? Otherwise, looks like NOTHING is going to happen, and it will have come and gone. (And no, I highly doubt he is planning a surprise party for me).

Yes - stop coaxing DH to do that and go and have a fun time doing whatever with your friends.
The vast majority of straight men and men who aren't acting in movies don't have a romantic/plan a getaway or even plan an exciting dinner bone in their body. Did you not notice this in 40 years? You clearly are one of those gals who had a surprise 16th birthday parties done thrown her (no offense, but, um, barf?) - who do you think planned this? Mom or dad?

OP here - I can't speak for all men, but I noticed it with my dad. Every year at Christmas, my mom made sure we had presents, and she always got stuff for my dad too - tagged it from us until we were old enough to shop for him for ourselves. She always made plans for his birthday - even if it was just something small like dinner with friends. He never got her anything or made her feel special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The title of your post should have been, " My husband can't read my mind".

What did you do for his 40th?

I planned a surprise party that included his best buddy from college and his brother from across the country, I had a caterer, a bartender, a signature drink (his favorite), and I hired a murder mystery company.

I don't expect him to be a mind reader - on two occasions, I told him, "I want to go with you to x for my 40th birthday"

Yes - but doing that kind of thing does not mean that he will do that for you. Ever. Even if you ask. I'm telling you - virtually no men will do this. They are more likely to surprise you by mowing the lawn. A good man will come and help you if you've wrecked the car or gotten a flat tire - does he do stuff like that?
Does he shovel the driveway? Run to the store for milk if you ask? These are man things. Party planning? Not so much.

Quit making assumptions on behalf of "men". Just because you are a douche, doesn't mean every guy is.

[Anonymous]

Mine did nothing. I went out with my friends.

[Anonymous]

My sister and parents flew in to surprise me for the weekend. It was nice. I think it was mostly orchestrated by my sister. My DH would not have come up with it.

[Anonymous]

I told my husband that I wanted to do something special for my 40th birthday. He was basically not very motivated to figure something out. What I ended up doing was researching a bunch of bed/breakfasts and sending him a link to things I would like to do. He did choose one of those things and we had a nice time, or at least I did. For his birthday, I planned a trip to a historic town nearby, with a stay at a cute inn and a nice dinner. He enjoyed it, and he really had no part in planning at all - said he wanted me to surprise him. I realize that he not good at planning such things, though it would be nice if he had initiative. Each of us have our own limitations, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 50. I didn't treat my 40th or 50th birthday any different than the other birthdays. I know other people do but it's just not that big a deal to me and I don't buy into shit that other people do. If you feel you've lost yourself or want to reconnect with something, then do it but don't make it a litmus test for your DH.

+1
Over 40, not 50 but I completely agree.

[Anonymous]

My husband planned and spent $5,000 on a dinner party for me. Quite out of character but I'll never forget it A truly wonderful occasion.

[Anonymous]

Nothing really - I think I planned it, and it was a very simple dinner out with just our family. I'm not really into big celebrations for my birthday, and neither is DH.

I did, however, go on a big 3-day weekend girls trip, the same year a bunch of my girlfriends and I were turning 40. The girls and I all planned it together, and it was awesome, partly because it was the first time I'd been away on a trip without kids and with just friends since our first was born. It was a great chance to reconnect. It took a lot of coordinating via email over the course of a few months, but we did it, and we all had a great time.

[Anonymous]

I sent my wife to NYC with her best friend as a surprise party. She planned a reunion for me and friends.

I don't think these have to be big surprises though. If your husband isn't the planning type, then plan a girls trip yourself. Sticking him with kids for the weekend while you live it up will be a good gift.

[Anonymous]

We took a trip. I was pregnant so no drinking but still a good time.

[Anonymous]

"Yes - but doing that kind of thing does not mean that he will do that for you. Ever. Even if you ask. I'm telling you - virtually no men will do this. They are more likely to surprise you by mowing the lawn. A good man will come and help you if you've wrecked the car or gotten a flat tire - does he do stuff like that?
Does he shovel the driveway? Run to the store for milk if you ask? These are man things. Party planning? Not so much."

Wrong - OP said she wanted to take a trip with him to a particular place and he was non-responsive. He may not be a planner, so maybe she's asking too much to have to follow through with getting it all planned, but his lack of interest in hearing her or discussing with her what she wanted is the problem.

[Anonymous]

My DH honestly blew me away for my 40th. We had a 9 month old and he's very thoughtful but not much of a planner, but his family does big celebrations for milestone bdays so he got it all worked out. Long weekend - left dd with grandparents, flew he & I to Disney World (which I love and hadn't been since I was a kid) for a couple of days, and arranged a nice hotel. It was so much fun and totally something that was my taste rather than his (but he had fun too).

It was especially lovely because it had been a hard year leading up to the pregnancy - some failed IVFs and then my dad died a couple of days after my last (but successful) IVF and my mom was basically locked up in her own grief that year. A couple of goofy fun days with just us two was a shot in the arm for me.

But he hasn't always been such a great mind reader. When we were dating/first married I was sure to tell him what I wanted (e.g. cake and a small but thoughtful present or two - amazon wish list available if ideas were wanted - at home, vs him preferring a fancy dinner out and a night at a hotel but no present to celebrate his).

I had terrible communication about this stuff in my 1st marriage and it felt like constant inconsiderate behavior. When I was dating my now-DH, I made it clear that I wanted our day to day stuff to be important to each other and I'm grateful that he's always taken that sentiment to heart even if he doesn't guess correctly for whichever occasion.

OP, if your DH knows what you want and isn't going to help you make it happen, then it's disappointing but IMO not worth scrapping the whole idea of a celebration over it. Make plans for something that you know will be fun and special to you. And hopefully over time he can hear you better about what you need in order to feel cherished.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness, I was so stressed out leading up to turning 40. I really don't know why, but I was. So I begged my husband to get me a nice present and plan us something fun to do. And he ended up getting me the most ridiculous thing - I can't tell you what it is, because the 4 people on DCUM who know me in real life will recognize it; no one's husband would get them this as a present.

For a day, I was pissed. And then it became hilarious. And then I stopped worrying about turning 40.

Now it's a running joke with us.

[Anonymous]

I'll turn 40 in May and am throwing myself a party at Bobby McKeys. I'm sure he would do something, but that is what I really want to do.

[Anonymous]

My husband planned a trip for us (got my parents to watch the kids) and took me away for 4 nights to my favorite city.

For his 40th, I sent him away on a guys trip with his best friend.