Regret having one child or no siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt this is what you want to hear, but... I missed having a sibling desperately. When I look back on my childhood, it's me playing alone quietly or reading. I always wanted a playmate and didn't live in a kid friendly neighborhood. I swore I would marry into a large family, but that didn't happen either. I worry that my kids won't have any cousins, and they only have one aunt. I had 14 aunts/uncles and 20 some cousins that I spent summers with (my cousins now are more focused on their own nieces/nephews).

On the pro side, I'm extremely close to my parents and didn't have to fight for attention. They moved to our city when we had kids so they could be there for everything.

I grew up in a city, so the neighborhood was full of kids my age. Many were my classmates. Two of my best friends had siblings. One had an older sister who wanted some privacy with her boyfriend and always kicked us out of the apartment. The other had a younger sister who required a lot of babysitting. I did not lament being a rather independent free-range only with many playmates. I have a total of five living aunts and one uncle (plus their spouses). I have seven living cousins (plus their spouses). I don't talk to any of them. One aunt that lives near my mom skypes once in a while to gawk at DC. I have never met four out of seven cousins, because they live like two days away by planes, trains, and automobiles. So there's that.

Then I see people at work, mothers and daughters working together, riding together, families gathering for the 4th of July. Gossiping about each other behind each other's back. The grass is always greener and all that.

[Anonymous]

I have three, and I'm so glad I do. But I sometimes envy the lifestyle of having one child. More resources, time, and energy for travel, real restaurants, extracurriculars, etc. Hard to do all that with three.

My kids are fabulous, and good friends. And now that they are older, much more companionable. I love hearing their conversations with each other, the way they wrestle, stick up for one another, joke around, and yes, of course bicker. It's a noisy, happy house. And we have an open door policy, so there are usually pals hanging around too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three, and I'm so glad I do. But I sometimes envy the lifestyle of having one child. More resources, time, and energy for travel, real restaurants, extracurriculars, etc. Hard to do all that with three.

My kids are fabulous, and good friends. And now that they are older, much more companionable. I love hearing their conversations with each other, the way they wrestle, stick up for one another, joke around, and yes, of course bicker. It's a noisy, happy house. And we have an open door policy, so there are usually pals hanging around too.

Funny I totally understand. We have one and it does afford us a certain freedom. However, I do wonder if DD is missing what I had growing up with siblings. And I wonder how she will feel when she is older. There isn't much to be done about it now as we are late 40s.

[Anonymous]

I grew up as an only child and socially I think I lost out. Without a sibling to tease me and teach me how to work through arguments, I often found social situations very challenging, anxiety inducing and I failed in them. In fact I'd say I failed in most social situations until now as an adult I just avoid them, unless they are brief and light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as an only child and socially I think I lost out. Without a sibling to tease me and teach me how to work through arguments, I often found social situations very challenging, anxiety inducing and I failed in them. In fact I'd say I failed in most social situations until now as an adult I just avoid them, unless they are brief and light.

This is what I worry about for my child, who is an only. He is improving in his ability to relate to other kids socially but my observation of most of his peers who have a sibling or two is that they are far more relaxed in social situations.

[Anonymous]

I'd always imagined I'd have more than one child but it didn't work out that way. I had my singleton at 38, and we decided not to try for more. DS used to ask for siblings and even wanted us to adopt older kids as siblings for him. Things will stay the way they are, and I will have no regrets. DS has tons of friends, and those friendships are very important. I think we try to facilitate his social life as much as possible. He hasn't asked about siblings lately. He probably would have enjoyed having brothers, but I don't really worry about it. It is what it is. I'm grateful for how things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:only child who grew up with a huge extended family

I have two kids - but only b/c we're older parents. I didn't want to saddle one kid with aging parents! truth!

Often it works out that one child gets stuck with it anyway.

+1

I know people who have many children - and confided that elder care is indeed the reason. From what I have seen, it is *always* one child who gets saddled with elder care. So please, do not let that be a factor in having more children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as an only child and socially I think I lost out. Without a sibling to tease me and teach me how to work through arguments, I often found social situations very challenging, anxiety inducing and I failed in them. In fact I'd say I failed in most social situations until now as an adult I just avoid them, unless they are brief and light.

This is what I worry about for my child, who is an only. He is improving in his ability to relate to other kids socially but my observation of most of his peers who have a sibling or two is that they are far more relaxed in social situations.

I wrote that. The counter-balance of course is that your child will be more likely to grow up independent, single-minded, fairly determined and driven in terms of his own path, less likely to compare himself to others. I know this has been the case for me and there was a really well written article in the NYTimes a few years ago which backed this up.

The thing is this, there are pros and cons to any sibling (or lack of) situation. Try not to focus on the good stuff. I'm sorry if I made you worry more.

[Anonymous]

Today, I regret having any. What a nightmare he was today.

[Anonymous]

Obviously I meant to "focus on the good stuff", not "not" focus on the good stuff!

[Anonymous]

We have one and have the best daughter in the world. We could afford to send her to the best private school, Ivy, plus help her when she needs it. Means we can travel wherever/whenever we want. Two would have been a stretch. Would have had to settle for public school and state university. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as an only child and socially I think I lost out. Without a sibling to tease me and teach me how to work through arguments, I often found social situations very challenging, anxiety inducing and I failed in them. In fact I'd say I failed in most social situations until now as an adult I just avoid them, unless they are brief and light.

This is what I worry about for my child, who is an only. He is improving in his ability to relate to other kids socially but my observation of most of his peers who have a sibling or two is that they are far more relaxed in social situations.

I don't think this is always the case. The siblings I have observed, while comfortable around each other if they are both plopped into the same social situation, are not necessarily more likely to mix in and get along with other kids. My son is an only and he is much more comfortable in social settings than I ever was an only child. He's also much more comfortable speaking to adults than I ever was. I give credit to his amazing daycare/preschool. I would like to think I fostered it but I'm very much an introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as an only child and socially I think I lost out. Without a sibling to tease me and teach me how to work through arguments, I often found social situations very challenging, anxiety inducing and I failed in them. In fact I'd say I failed in most social situations until now as an adult I just avoid them, unless they are brief and light.

This is what I worry about for my child, who is an only. He is improving in his ability to relate to other kids socially but my observation of most of his peers who have a sibling or two is that they are far more relaxed in social situations.

I wrote that. The counter-balance of course is that your child will be more likely to grow up independent, single-minded, fairly determined and driven in terms of his own path, less likely to compare himself to others. I know this has been the case for me and there was a really well written article in the NYTimes a few years ago which backed this up.

The thing is this, there are pros and cons to any sibling (or lack of) situation. Try not to focus on the good stuff. I'm sorry if I made you worry more.

PPs, whether your children are onlies or not, sooner or later they will end up in a school-like setting with plenty of exposure to all facets of peer interaction. School-aged children rarely interact a lot; they tend to live in their own worlds, and parents are lucky to keep tabs on teens. Their social lives revolve around school friends and extracurriculars, not siblings. I think the best thing any parent can do (regardless of the number of children in the house) is provide plenty of opportunities to foster social connections. Seek help if it's needed etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one and have the best daughter in the world. We could afford to send her to the best private school, Ivy, plus help her when she needs it. Means we can travel wherever/whenever we want. Two would have been a stretch. Would have had to settle for public school and state university. Ugh!

I think you are a troll, but I'll bite anyway--after the elite private school and an Ivy education, why does your daughter still need "help?"

[Anonymous]

Like PP said, there are pros and cons to any situation. For me personally, I was very happy that my parents decided to have another kid, because my younger brother and I are very close. Though he now lives across the country from me., he comes to see my kids multiple times a year, and facetimes us every weekend. I also know that no matter what, he will always help and support me, as I would do the same for him. And we both have cared for our parents during some unfortunate health care crises in the past, so I don't feel the burden of elder care will fall on only one of us.

Bottom line, having a sibling was only a positive for me. I know it doesn't always turn out that way, so I feel lucky.