IL babysitting when MIL has … well … bad judgment

[Anonymous]

You can't let her babysit if you don't trust her judgment. Yes that may be awkward, but your daughter's safety has to be your priority and given this history I don't think you can trust them to make the right decision if there was an actual emergency.

Ideally your husband should be the one dealing with this, but if he won't, you have to. You know them best so you know if it will work to just never find a time that works, or if you will need to give a hard no.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize with you. Go with your gut. You and your husband are in charge when it comes to decisions about your kids, period.

[Anonymous]

My mother has extremely poor judgment, particularly with respect to my 3yo, which is why I don't allow her to babysit. You have to decide whether you feel comfortable with your MIL babysitting, or not. The peanut allergy alone would make me cut her off from babysitting on her own, but it's not my call. I like the PP's suggestion of having sort of supervised babysitting for now until your children are a bit older.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses so far. I'm so torn because their intentions are so good, yet responses so bad. Ultimately, I'm fine with their babysitting if my FIL is around, because he does not have these judgment issues, but I have a hard time guaranteeing he'll be around when they are at their home.

I was hoping people would tell me I was overreacting, but seems most think I am, if anything, underreacting. I personally like the idea of returning to only short-term (date night) and "supervised" babysitting. That is what we did up until this October weekend, which was our first time trying out a parents-free weekend. Probably we'll just make excuses about how we don't like to leave the kids for that long, and they'll think we are absurdly overprotective, and that will be that.

But it makes me sad for me (no adults-only vacations! no weekends away bc DH works weekends!) and for the kids (I LOVED weekends with my grandparents when I was little).

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel any better, when my IL's used to demand "alone time" when our kids were little, I felt really bad that DH and I might have been overly anxious and neurotic. And then I started comparing notes with my friends, and many of them explained that their parents rarely hung out with their grandkids alone and would never insist on it for the grandparents' sake. If something came up and they were needed, they would be happy to help. Otherwise, they enjoy everyone hanging out together. Being alone with the grandkids wasn't something they thought had to happen for a close relationship to develop. I now realize that grandparents getting hysterical about not having alone time can be a red flag.

[Anonymous]

I think that as your kids get older, you will feel more comfortable leaving them. Your ILs effectively raised their own kids, so it's not likely they'll do any major harm.

And for South Asian grandparents in the US, nothing you've said sounds crazy. I know my mom occasionally uses her cleaning lady to help out when she's got my sisters kids (we don't live nearby). Indian people, at least, don't necessarily look upon childcare providers as needing to be highly experienced and educated...just trustworthy and reliable, which the cleaning lady probably is. My niece and nephew don't really like the cleaning lady, but they're not being harmed by her, and my sister lets it go since it allows her to occasionally take vacations/weekends etc. The peanut allergy thing is obviously a big deal, but you don't sound very concerned about that being an issue anymore.

I don't really have advice on whether you should or shouldn't leave your kids with your ILs, but I do think that you're probably worrying over nothing. Your kids will be fine with her, albeit maybe overly tired and cranky at the end of the visit. It's up to you if that's worth it to you. My sister has decided that it is, though she complains a lot. This irritates me, since I don't have the luxury of nearby grandparents to provide free babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should revisit this in a few years. It's a big difference when the kids are 7 and 10, for instance. I also wouldn't leave my preschooler with someone whose judgment I didn't trust. We're in that situation with my MIL<and she's never been alone with the kids. My parents have been -- but I also realize their limitations and wouldn't really leave the kids with them for a whole weekend.
I'm super jealous of people who have parents that can watch the kids for a long weekend. I grew up that way, but my parents just don't have the endurance that my grandmother did. (Plus I was one pretty bookish and malleable kid, and I have multiple strong-willed children...)

[Anonymous]

No way! She's proven that she can't be trusted. Your DD has a peanut allergy and she almost gave her peanuts! I seriously can't believe that you're even considering this, and I can't believe you let MIL watch your daughter over a weekend when you already knew she was not trustworthy. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way! She's proven that she can't be trusted. Your DD has a peanut allergy and she almost gave her peanuts! I seriously can't believe that you're even considering this, and I can't believe you let MIL watch your daughter over a weekend when you already knew she was not trustworthy. Don't do it.

Sorry OP, I totally agree with this.

[Anonymous]

You've posted about this type of behavior before, OP, yes?

It ain't gonna change. If a babysitter forgot my child's peanut allergy, I'd never use them again. Your gut is right. Don't let them watch your children alone.

[Anonymous]

I think it reflects poorly on you that you use her for free childcare help so you can have a break, yet don't trust her and complain about her behind her back. Pick one- free three day childcare with questionable safety or time alone.

[Anonymous]

You showed up FIVE hours later. THE SHIT WOULD HAVE HIT THE FAN if it had been me. You should have left immediately. I can understand not wanting to leave child with cleaning woman but what you did was beyond rude. You are a selfish birch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You showed up FIVE hours later. THE SHIT WOULD HAVE HIT THE FAN if it had been me. You should have left immediately. I can understand not wanting to leave child with cleaning woman but what you did was beyond rude. You are a selfish birch.

Unless I totally misread, it was an hour and a half, which sounds like pretty reasonable travel time where she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You showed up FIVE hours later. THE SHIT WOULD HAVE HIT THE FAN if it had been me. You should have left immediately. I can understand not wanting to leave child with cleaning woman but what you did was beyond rude. You are a selfish birch.

Unless I totally misread, it was an hour and a half, which sounds like pretty reasonable travel time where she was.

+1, it was 1.5 hours per the OP. Pump the breaks on the "selfish birch" talk. Also, everyone knows birch trees are the least selfish of all deciduous trees so being a selfish birch isn't really a terrible insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel any better, when my IL's used to demand "alone time" when our kids were little, I felt really bad that DH and I might have been overly anxious and neurotic. And then I started comparing notes with my friends, and many of them explained that their parents rarely hung out with their grandkids alone and would never insist on it for the grandparents' sake. If something came up and they were needed, they would be happy to help. Otherwise, they enjoy everyone hanging out together. Being alone with the grandkids wasn't something they thought had to happen for a close relationship to develop. I now realize that grandparents getting hysterical about not having alone time can be a red flag.

This!!!