My husband is addicted to his computer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that he's anxious about the baby coming and trying to escape that reality?
Did you guys make a plan for how your maternity leave will go and who will take care of what? Hell really need to be there to take care of everything else while you concentrate on the baby.
Can you set aside some time and ask him to as well to have a conversation about this? You can put it on his schedule and fit it into his studying. I think it's silly to pander to him in your state but you have to do what you have to do to love forward.
These are the last quiet months you'll have to yourselves for a long long time.
Good luck.

Honestly I think he's just a computer nerd. I know he's super excited about the baby . I'm trying not to upset him too much because he's very close to finishing his PhD.

A computer nerd who blows up at you when you try to talk about things?

haha yes. Is this typical of computer nerds? Or do they usually respond with emails?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that he's anxious about the baby coming and trying to escape that reality?
Did you guys make a plan for how your maternity leave will go and who will take care of what? Hell really need to be there to take care of everything else while you concentrate on the baby.
Can you set aside some time and ask him to as well to have a conversation about this? You can put it on his schedule and fit it into his studying. I think it's silly to pander to him in your state but you have to do what you have to do to love forward.
These are the last quiet months you'll have to yourselves for a long long time.
Good luck.

Honestly I think he's just a computer nerd. I know he's super excited about the baby . I'm trying not to upset him too much because he's very close to finishing his PhD.

A computer nerd who blows up at you when you try to talk about things?

haha yes. Is this typical of computer nerds? Or do they usually respond with emails?

In my experience this is very typical of computer nerds. They are usually socially and emotionally stunted.

Np here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to raise your game. You are competing against a huge universe of entertainment. It is only going to get worse with VR porn.

Oh thanks. This is exactly what I need to hear considering I'm 36 weeks pregnant and the size of a whale right now.

Think outside the ... um ... box.

[Anonymous]

Usually it's the Asian woman marrying the white man. Going the other way is odd and rare -- it usually runs you headlong into headstrong male Asian traditions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is stuck in the anxiety/procrastination cycle. I've been there myself while working and finishing a degree. When people bugged me while I was in this state, I would get defensive and paranoid due to the constant anxiety and feelings of guilt.

If he is almost done with his degree, it might be easier to just let him get it done. People who are almost done with PhDs are at the end of a long slog. It's one of those "changing horses in the middle of a stream" situations.

If it's going to be a long haul, try to gently point out that he would actually be happier (and so would you) and more productive if he learned to have a balanced life and break up tasks a bit so he is not constantly being overwhelmed and stressed (and unapproachable).

Take some of these "you married the wrong man" comments with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to raise your game. You are competing against a huge universe of entertainment. It is only going to get worse with VR porn.

VR porn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is stuck in the anxiety/procrastination cycle. I've been there myself while working and finishing a degree. When people bugged me while I was in this state, I would get defensive and paranoid due to the constant anxiety and feelings of guilt.

If he is almost done with his degree, it might be easier to just let him get it done. People who are almost done with PhDs are at the end of a long slog. It's one of those "changing horses in the middle of a stream" situations.

If it's going to be a long haul, try to gently point out that he would actually be happier (and so would you) and more productive if he learned to have a balanced life and break up tasks a bit so he is not constantly being overwhelmed and stressed (and unapproachable).

Take some of these "you married the wrong man" comments with a grain of salt.

Yes kind of...... I'm hoping things get better once the baby is here and he's working away from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that he's anxious about the baby coming and trying to escape that reality?
Did you guys make a plan for how your maternity leave will go and who will take care of what? Hell really need to be there to take care of everything else while you concentrate on the baby.
Can you set aside some time and ask him to as well to have a conversation about this? You can put it on his schedule and fit it into his studying. I think it's silly to pander to him in your state but you have to do what you have to do to love forward.
These are the last quiet months you'll have to yourselves for a long long time.
Good luck.

Honestly I think he's just a computer nerd. I know he's super excited about the baby . I'm trying not to upset him too much because he's very close to finishing his PhD.

Sure. Only you know him that well. Was he like this before the phd? I know plenty of computer nerds and some play video games and ignore their families and some are super super involved with everything and are great fathers and husbands and did so much for their wives when they're were pregnant and with newborns.
When is he supposed to be done? What's the plan after? Working away from home will be good but you need to talk about what happens when he is hole so he's not just going back to his computer as soon as he gets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that he's anxious about the baby coming and trying to escape that reality?
Did you guys make a plan for how your maternity leave will go and who will take care of what? Hell really need to be there to take care of everything else while you concentrate on the baby.
Can you set aside some time and ask him to as well to have a conversation about this? You can put it on his schedule and fit it into his studying. I think it's silly to pander to him in your state but you have to do what you have to do to love forward.
These are the last quiet months you'll have to yourselves for a long long time.
Good luck.

Honestly I think he's just a computer nerd. I know he's super excited about the baby . I'm trying not to upset him too much because he's very close to finishing his PhD.

Sure. Only you know him that well. Was he like this before the phd? I know plenty of computer nerds and some play video games and ignore their families and some are super super involved with everything and are great fathers and husbands and did so much for their wives when they're were pregnant and with newborns.
When is he supposed to be done? What's the plan after? Working away from home will be good but you need to talk about what happens when he is hole so he's not just going back to his computer as soon as he gets in.

This is a hard question because there's never been a point that he wasn't pursuing a degree. I do NOT want him to work from home once he gets a job . He will finish in May.

[Anonymous]

I will give the opposite, male perspective. When my wife was expecting, I was really withdrawn and worked all of the time. I was anxious about work and changes in life, but I was stupidly trying to shield my wife from those concerns. I look back now with so much regret because that should have been one of the most special, amazing times in our lives, and I really ruined it. My wife and I have a great relationship, but I definitely feel that our marriage changed after that time and we are not nearly as close anymore. Basically, I forced her to cope with a difficult time on her own, so she adapted to get along without me.

Anyway, you should schedule couple time with your husband (for example, every night from 7-8). Have an ice cream, talk about the day. Don't wait and ask him to do something at the spur of the moment because it gives him too much opportunity to find excuses to keep working. Keep in mind that people fall into habits and do things without really thinking about the negative consequences.

Finally, I will say with great pride that half-Asian hapa babies are the most beautiful.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds a lot like mine --addicted to electronics, sometimes he's working, but never very efficiently. Also doesnt take criticism well, gets defensive way too quickly to have a productive discussion. You need to address
this, but make it about you, not him; i.e., "I know youre working very hard on yor dissertation, but I miss couple time, can we schedule some time every day to spend together?" Focus on what you need and not on what he's doing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is stuck in the anxiety/procrastination cycle. I've been there myself while working and finishing a degree. When people bugged me while I was in this state, I would get defensive and paranoid due to the constant anxiety and feelings of guilt.

If he is almost done with his degree, it might be easier to just let him get it done. People who are almost done with PhDs are at the end of a long slog. It's one of those "changing horses in the middle of a stream" situations.

If it's going to be a long haul, try to gently point out that he would actually be happier (and so would you) and more productive if he learned to have a balanced life and break up tasks a bit so he is not constantly being overwhelmed and stressed (and unapproachable).

Take some of these "you married the wrong man" comments with a grain of salt.

Yes kind of...... I'm hoping things get better once the baby is here and he's working away from home.

Lol. Enjoy your whale blubber now, because life WILL only get worse after you sluice.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, nothing gets better after a baby arrives . It is like before but with sleeplessness and constant filthy diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, nothing gets better after a baby arrives . It is like before but with sleeplessness and constant filthy diapers.

I disagree. Having a baby brought me so much happiness.

[Anonymous]

That is why my DH decided to look for a wonderful woman (me) once he was done with his PhD.