How should we handle this situation with ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was a gift. Legally, you don't have to give it back. Ethically, you don't owe them a return and you certainly don't owe them a guarantee on the market's return on an investment (do they take you for an insurance policy?!).

If you want to give it all back as a way to make a clean break, okay, take whatever is easily liquidated and transfer it back. Or liquidate the investments and put it in a 529 for your son so the funds aren't with you, the offending party in ILs' eyes, but are with their grandson, who they hopefully still wish well.

Aside from money, let them know that prior to this episode, you had been enjoying having them in your son's life and you hope that can pick up again when the dynamic becomes more healthy.

Keep the money. We don't know where you live or where the IL's live but where they live when/if incapacitated can determine your [because DH is their son] legal obligation for their support:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/northwesternmutual/2014/02/03/who-will-pay-for-moms-or-dads-nursing-home-bill-filial-support-laws-and-long-term-care/#2715e4857a0b699c6d9c5620

At least this way you'd be spending their money.

A sign of a declining society when these laws are enforced. It's sad to come after adult children for parents' medical bills.

[Anonymous]

How much money did they give you?

[Anonymous]

To the PP, it's in the 6 figures.

[Anonymous]

I would stop interacting with them. It doesn't have to be forever. It can be hard to take that leap if you think of it as forever. Think of it as for now. That could mean months or years or forever, but for now you can't have them in your life. If not for you, for your children.

I would definitely not take out a loan to pay them back. I would either keep the money as is and forget about it or give what is left and never look back. They don't really want the money back, they want their power and control back.

[Anonymous]

Paragraphs. Use them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a super common abusive parent tactic. Give you money, control how you use it, and then use it to guilt and manipulate you.

If I was you I'd tell them "we are going to use the money to invest in DS's future" and then cut them off. But that's just me.... you definitely need to follow your DH's lead since they're his parents. Sorry you're dealing with this

+1

MIL did this to DH, by giving him a loan, and charging him more than market rate. DH paid it early, I'm sure Mil was disappointed that she didn't make more money off of him. YUCK.

[Anonymous]

Don't give them one fucking penny and NEVER speak to them again. It's the only way with abusive people.

[Anonymous]

1. Laugh.
Really there request is nonsense,

2. They do not love your DH the way he wants them too and nothing he does will make them.

3. Disengage and when your son is older you just explain that sadly his grandparents were mean to all of you and that's why you don't see them anymore. I grew up without grandparents (died), my parents rarely mentioned them, and I never missed them because I didn't even know anything about them to miss.

[Anonymous]

What you asked the FIL to do - was to not be himself. To change. He faked it (abusers are great at this) until he got what he wanted. He is no longer capable of doing so and is going crazy that he can't control you and your husband.


When you reengaged with them, you set ground rules. They gave you money and then refused to follow the ground rules AND tried to force you out of your house when visiting with your child (a HUGE RED FLAG - due to the fact the FIL is abusive). This is not OK.

They told you to invest. You did. You did not spend the money. Stock market goes up and down. Period. The money will stay put period. It is simply not up for discussion.

It sounds like the FIL's health is deteriorating - and he isn't able to keep up the charade. My FIL gets like this. My husband has also said, you need to have respect for me, my wife and my child or we don't need to spend time with you. My FIL still goes nasty every so often - but we just reiterate and try not to bait him.

HUGS OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. DH is going to see his therapist to help him deal with this. We have been super stressed since they asked for the money back and said some really mean things to us about it. DH and I have had trouble sleeping and eating because of the stress. I am actually on bed rest because of preterm labor and bleeding. This last interaction has caused so much stress that I have been having contractions and spotting.

DH still feels bad for his mom. Growing up, he and his mom supported each other through his Dad's abuse. His dad constantly berates his mom, including calling her a whore for not being a virgin when they met and having had sex with blacks. His mom feels that she can't leave him because he needs her now that his health has deteriorated. She feels like she owes him because he helped her get out of a physically abusive relationship. We suggested she go to counseling but she always refuses and because my FIL forbids it. I told DH there is no way to help his mom unless she wants to be helped.

This. Another thing you can do is make it plainly clear to her that even though she supports FIL in his ugliness, there will never be hard feelings between you. She is always welcome at your home even if FIL is not. She's just doing what she needs to survive. Let her know that if she ever tires of it, she has somewhere safe to go.

[Anonymous]

Another who is perplexed as to why you accepted the money. You both had to see this coming from a mile away.

Don't return the money. It was given as a gift.

Cut all ties. It's good your husband is seeing a therapist. Don't talk with them on the phone, don't engage. Right now the priority is taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. DH is going to see his therapist to help him deal with this. We have been super stressed since they asked for the money back and said some really mean things to us about it. DH and I have had trouble sleeping and eating because of the stress. I am actually on bed rest because of preterm labor and bleeding. This last interaction has caused so much stress that I have been having contractions and spotting.

DH still feels bad for his mom. Growing up, he and his mom supported each other through his Dad's abuse. His dad constantly berates his mom, including calling her a whore for not being a virgin when they met and having had sex with blacks. His mom feels that she can't leave him because he needs her now that his health has deteriorated. She feels like she owes him because he helped her get out of a physically abusive relationship. We suggested she go to counseling but she always refuses and because my FIL forbids it. I told DH there is no way to help his mom unless she wants to be helped.

This. Another thing you can do is make it plainly clear to her that even though she supports FIL in his ugliness, there will never be hard feelings between you. She is always welcome at your home even if FIL is not. She's just doing what she needs to survive. Let her know that if she ever tires of it, she has somewhere safe to go.

OP here. DH decided to just give the reminder of the money back and not be in contact with them any longer. We don't want to feel as if we owe them anything, but we also don't want to continue to endure their abusive behavior. Further, we don't want our DS to grow up thinking that abusive relationships are okay (DH felt this way for a long time). DH's therapist said FIL's actions are very classic abusive and manipulative behavior. DH wrote a letter to his parents summarizing his feelings.

With respect to MIL, we have told her before, if she wanted to have a safe place to stay or wanted to leave FIL, we will gladly accept her in our house. She has never taken us up on that offer. The therapist also said that MIL is exhibiting classic behavior of an abused person and she probably will never leave FIL. She has the resources to leave FIL since she is the primary source of income for their family, but this is not about money. I don't know if this is normal coping behavior, but whenever she is with FIL, she mirrors exactly his behavior (even using the same language he would use). However, when she is away from him, she changes completely. But in the end, she always goes back to him.

[Anonymous]

I would NOT give the money back, there might be some tax implications for you.

Seriously, just cut them off until they're ready to change. What can they do to you, especially since you and husband are on the same page about the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a super common abusive parent tactic. Give you money, control how you use it, and then use it to guilt and manipulate you.

If I was you I'd tell them "we are going to use the money to invest in DS's future" and then cut them off. But that's just me.... you definitely need to follow your DH's lead since they're his parents. Sorry you're dealing with this

+ 1,000,000
Don't give it back. They will just use it to manipulate you more in the future.

Can you move? They sound awful. If not - answer the phone and the door a lot less

NP here. I did not speak to MIL for the first 8 years we were married. When we were going to start a family, we moved 2500 miles away. It saved our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paragraphs. Use them

Kindness. Find it.