How should we handle this situation with ILs?

[Anonymous]

OP here. So after DH sent his parents the letter explaining his feelings about how abusive his dad is and how he does not want them to come over anymore, ILs replied that they don't agree with him and will come over anyways. So aside from sending a stronger letter saying that they can't, what else can we do?

[Anonymous]

Don't answer the door and ignore phone calls. Stop engaging with them and they should get the hint.

[Anonymous]

Change your locks. Change your phone numbers

[Anonymous]

Truth? This is easy logistically.

1) I would not have given the money back but, oh well. I see why that may be something your DH would want to do.

2) You've communicated your wishes.

3) Change locks and numbers. Don't answer the door.

4) If they won't respect boundaries, call the non-emergency police. Explain the situation and that they are trespassing and harassing you. Go from there.

5) Continue to offer a safe place to MIL.

I understand you may feel bad. But, this is their decision. Not yours. Their behavior. Not yours.

[Anonymous]

Don't be home when they would normally come. Change your locks. Block their numbers.

[Anonymous]

Stop engaging with them.

Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to emails. Don't answer the door.

[Anonymous]

And read the Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. You don't seem to aware of your own power in this situation. You have power -- use it. Don't play along with their tactics.

[Anonymous]

You can't keep telling them you are going to disengage at this point. You need to ACTUALLY disengage. That means no communication. No emails, no texts, no phone calls. Do not answer the door if they come over. If you know they might show up on Sunday at 8am, be out of the house for a few Sundays in a row.

Drop the rope. There can only be a tug a war if two sides are playing. Drop your side. 100%.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH responded to their letter re-emphasizing that we want them out of our lives and that this is his last email to them. We have blocked their calls. It is a little difficult to all be out of the house at 8 am on Sundays since I am still on bed rest and DH will have a difficult time getting DS out of house that early, but if they do show up, we will not answer the door. We only hope they won't make a scene in front of house because FIL has threatened to do so in the past. He has threatened before to just show up at our neighborhood playground to stalk DS if we won't let him see him. DS is in preschool now so that won't be an issue. I worry about our next child since he will be home with my mom who will be watching him while we are at work. I don't think my mom will know how to handle FIL if he just comes over uninvited or stalks her while she takes DC2 on walks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH responded to their letter re-emphasizing that we want them out of our lives and that this is his last email to them. We have blocked their calls. It is a little difficult to all be out of the house at 8 am on Sundays since I am still on bed rest and DH will have a difficult time getting DS out of house that early, but if they do show up, we will not answer the door. We only hope they won't make a scene in front of house because FIL has threatened to do so in the past. He has threatened before to just show up at our neighborhood playground to stalk DS if we won't let him see him. DS is in preschool now so that won't be an issue. I worry about our next child since he will be home with my mom who will be watching him while we are at work. I don't think my mom will know how to handle FIL if he just comes over uninvited or stalks her while she takes DC2 on walks.

OP, this sounds like a heartbreaking situation for you and your DH.
Unfortunately, if your FIL stalks your child you will need to get a restraining order against him. Call police there and then.
Keep all emails and threatening voicemails for proof to show you have just cause.

Does your mom know about all this? She needs to be made aware and also understand the severity of the situation. I may be paranoid but this is not just normal pushiness and could escalate.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Something similar happened to us, when we were young and naive, except that it was with my parents.

For these types of people, money=strings.

1.You can give back the money now, what you can.
2.Never accept anything from them again unless you're at death's door.
3.There is also no need to formally cut ties, since that comes with its own set of long-term consequences. Just drastically limit contact. Stay superficially polite. Do not share anything that can be used against you. Unfortunately that means letting go of any dream parent-child relationship and grandparent-grandchild relationship.

Been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

14:11 again. Sorry, didn't see your updates, OP.
It's sad that it came to this, if your husband wants a relationship with his mother. This is partly why I didn't cut off my own parents - to preserve a relationship with my father, despite my mother's craziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH responded to their letter re-emphasizing that we want them out of our lives and that this is his last email to them. We have blocked their calls. It is a little difficult to all be out of the house at 8 am on Sundays since I am still on bed rest and DH will have a difficult time getting DS out of house that early, but if they do show up, we will not answer the door. We only hope they won't make a scene in front of house because FIL has threatened to do so in the past. He has threatened before to just show up at our neighborhood playground to stalk DS if we won't let him see him. DS is in preschool now so that won't be an issue. I worry about our next child since he will be home with my mom who will be watching him while we are at work. I don't think my mom will know how to handle FIL if he just comes over uninvited or stalks her while she takes DC2 on walks.

Please make sure your son's preschool (assuming FIL knows where it is) and your mom are aware of the situation so they can watch for him and take precautions as necessary. Best of luck to you--I hope they get the point quickly and leave you in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH responded to their letter re-emphasizing that we want them out of our lives and that this is his last email to them. We have blocked their calls. It is a little difficult to all be out of the house at 8 am on Sundays since I am still on bed rest and DH will have a difficult time getting DS out of house that early, but if they do show up, we will not answer the door. We only hope they won't make a scene in front of house because FIL has threatened to do so in the past. He has threatened before to just show up at our neighborhood playground to stalk DS if we won't let him see him. DS is in preschool now so that won't be an issue. I worry about our next child since he will be home with my mom who will be watching him while we are at work. I don't think my mom will know how to handle FIL if he just comes over uninvited or stalks her while she takes DC2 on walks.

You may want to consider getting some kind of security system or video cameras if you are concerned that FIL could escalate his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Also document these kinds of threats. you want some kind of paper trail in case you need some kind of restraining order