DH binge drinker/alcoholic? Endangers our children. Now he wants divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: I would totally use iPhone GPS (if you have it) to see when he was leaving a bar, then call 911 and report his car to be swerving. It sounds like he probably drives drunk-- you'd just be helping him to experience the consequences of his actions. And it would create a paper trail of his drinking problem.

P.S. If he is an alcoholic, he will eventually not be able to abstain when he wants to.

Oh, he definitely drives drunk. I haven't use iPhone GPS, but I have done this and called the cops many, many times over the course of at least 10 years, location, plate number, etc. Nothing has come of it. I pray that it would for exactly the reasons you mention, but also because it is dangerous as hell, of him of course, but also for everyone else on the road. It's been my experience that MoCo cops do not put a lot of resources toward DUI enforcement. I called when he was at a known location, about to leave and completely impaired. I told the cops and asked if they could follow him. They said no; all they could do is go talk to him and 'check on his welfare'.

New poster here: SVO: supervised visitation only!

Well, I've been told by multiple family law attorneys that I will not be able to get that. Probably not even temporarily, and definitely not permanently. If you have any advice about how I can make that happen, I'd love to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. There is no known cure. Some find sobriety but many more die from the effects of this disease. You can't control him. Do what you can within the limits of the law and then give it GOD. You will drive yourself insane worrying and trying to control this. I'm so sorry OP. Find an Al-Anon meeting and get help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Vivitrol shots monthly. If he is willing to do in patient rehab, Father Martin's in Maryland is a reasonable choice and will offer Vivitrol.

There is also an antabuse implant that lasts about a year. I've only read about this--you'd have to search around to see where this might be available. If somehow this or the Vivitrol shots could be court ordered it would be even better. You do not want a binge drinking around your kids unsupervised.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you can do. DH coparented with an addict for years. Anyone suggesting supervised visitation knows nothing about the family court system.

Good luck. You are correct that you have the most control by staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'll need to prove it. You telling the judge he drinks and drives isn't enough.

Agree. And I would love to be able to prove it. But it's not predictable. It's not like he has drinking 'routine' so that I know he will be at X bar on X night or anything. It's not even everyday. I would love to hire a PI but I can't afford to have him followed all day every day until he drinks and drives. It's not something I see everyday. Besides, a PI won't necessarily be able to get him arrested.

It is not usable in court if you can't prove it. There's no way around this. It will not be considered, and the judge will likely ask why you let the kids in the car with him when you know he's driven drunk. You can't look up a couple of years after the fact and say it is unacceptable parenting. If he is endangering your children, you need to have some hard evidence that you've been trying to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: I would totally use iPhone GPS (if you have it) to see when he was leaving a bar, then call 911 and report his car to be swerving. It sounds like he probably drives drunk-- you'd just be helping him to experience the consequences of his actions. And it would create a paper trail of his drinking problem.

P.S. If he is an alcoholic, he will eventually not be able to abstain when he wants to.

Oh, he definitely drives drunk. I haven't use iPhone GPS, but I have done this and called the cops many, many times over the course of at least 10 years, location, plate number, etc. Nothing has come of it. I pray that it would for exactly the reasons you mention, but also because it is dangerous as hell, of him of course, but also for everyone else on the road. It's been my experience that MoCo cops do not put a lot of resources toward DUI enforcement. I called when he was at a known location, about to leave and completely impaired. I told the cops and asked if they could follow him. They said no; all they could do is go talk to him and 'check on his welfare'.

Hmmmm, perhaps the moco police have changed their tune due to the officer that was run over by a drunk driver?

Did your husband know that you called the police on him driving home multiple times by any chance? If he goes to a bar he doesn't bring the children does he? So he hadn't been driving drunk with the kids in the car?
Are you opposed to his going out to bars to drink?

It might be possible for him to not drive drunk with the kids for his visitation time - how likely do you think that is?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? I think you realize there is pretty much no chance of getting DH to change his behavior ... you have no doubt tried and failed many times by now. It is a strong addiction and tough to beat even when someone is actually trying to do so. You have almost no control over his desire to change. I applaud your concern about the kids being in the car when he's driving drunk, but harm is being done to them in many other ways as well just by living in a home with him. Perhaps living apart from him will be of great benefit to them. Tough situation ... I am very sorry.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, OP? If they are in elementary school or older, perhaps it's time to have a talk with them about what they can do if dad seems "off" when he's driving them around. If they are old enough, it's possible that they've noticed. It's a crappy situation all around and normally, you don't want your kids in the middle of stuff like this, but whether you stay married or separate, you might want to think about empowering the kids in these situations. Do the kids have a cell phone? They could call you if dad isn't acting normal or is talking funny.

I say this as someone who went through something similar as a young child (5 years old). My parents were divorced and my dad was an alcoholic and drug abuser. My mother was terrified he would drive us around drunk or high during his visitations, but there was not much she could do about it through the family court system. I distinctly recall her turning him away when he came to pick us up drunk and/or high and calling the police, but he never got arrested and still had visitation rights. So she talked to me about what to do if my dad seemed "off" - talking funny, walking funny, if he smelled like he'd been drinking (kids who have an alcoholic parent know that smell). We weren't supposed to get in the car with him, if possible, and call her right way. It wasn't done in a "your dad is awful" kind of way either - it was "dad has a sickness" and that it was important for me to keep an eye out for myself and my brothers when dad was "sick". It's a lot to put on a young child and they would probably be scared that dad would get mad at them, but maybe this is a conversation to consider having.

I wish you the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

^^PP again. I should have also mentioned that a therapist (especially a child therapist) could give you pointers about having this type of conversation with your kids -- or whether it would be a good idea for your kids in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you attend Al Anon meetings. I'm sorry but there's not much you can do to control the situation, no matter how frustrating that is. I hope that you get the majority of the custody and that your kids are always safe.

[Anonymous]

I suggest KOLMAC. Amazing, warm, and competent people. They also have one night a week for family members. Great program.

[Anonymous]

Then you'll have to stay with him. Give him what he wants (within reason obv) so he won't ask for a divorce. Don't nag him, don't ask him to watch the kids, don't make him go to your parents house for dinner, don't ask him to take the kids to bday parties, don't talk to him about his drinking. If something happened to those kids you would feel so guilty. Just wait until they are older. The court will not help in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids, OP? If they are in elementary school or older, perhaps it's time to have a talk with them about what they can do if dad seems "off" when he's driving them around. If they are old enough, it's possible that they've noticed. It's a crappy situation all around and normally, you don't want your kids in the middle of stuff like this, but whether you stay married or separate, you might want to think about empowering the kids in these situations. Do the kids have a cell phone? They could call you if dad isn't acting normal or is talking funny.

I say this as someone who went through something similar as a young child (5 years old). My parents were divorced and my dad was an alcoholic and drug abuser. My mother was terrified he would drive us around drunk or high during his visitations, but there was not much she could do about it through the family court system. I distinctly recall her turning him away when he came to pick us up drunk and/or high and calling the police, but he never got arrested and still had visitation rights. So she talked to me about what to do if my dad seemed "off" - talking funny, walking funny, if he smelled like he'd been drinking (kids who have an alcoholic parent know that smell). We weren't supposed to get in the car with him, if possible, and call her right way. It wasn't done in a "your dad is awful" kind of way either - it was "dad has a sickness" and that it was important for me to keep an eye out for myself and my brothers when dad was "sick". It's a lot to put on a young child and they would probably be scared that dad would get mad at them, but maybe this is a conversation to consider having.

I wish you the best, OP.

+1

Make sure they always have emergency cash and cell phone programmed with taxi cab numbers. Let them know that if dad seems like he's been drinking and wants to drive them somewhere, they can absolutely refuse and call you and you will back them up 100 percent.

In the meantime, document, document, document. Do whatever you can to protect those kids.

[Anonymous]

Are you my neighbor who invited my 5 y o to play with your 6 y o while your DH (drunk husband) is there?
That is why I don't allow my child to have a play date at your place.

[Anonymous]

This was my dad growing up but he was a serious alcoholic. Don't put your kids in charge of refusing to drink with their drunk father. My brother stood up to my dad once and got a smack. It's a hard situation to be in. How old are your kids?