If your family member married their AP

[Anonymous]

Everyone acts like it never happened in front of them, but there is considerable chatter on the sidelines. No one forgets, there is always a tendency to to keep the AP at an arms length while keeping up the niceties and appearances.

[Anonymous]

This happened twice in my family and both times were drama drama drama. Both happened years ago but people still talk and whisper behind their back. We smile to keep the peace, but let's be real it's not something that's easy to forget. One of them recently renewed their vows and had a fancy party. Everyone was smiling but still whispering.

I think the fact that both parties have kids also complicates things a lot. The kids are of course still loyal to their moms and rejected the new wife in both cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone please tell me what AP stands for? I've searched high and low, and can't figure it out! I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what acronyms stand for based on context but this has me stumped.

Read the thread. I think the meaning will shine through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad didn't marry his, but they cohabitated for 20+ years after everything camp to light. She was unwelcome at extended family gatherings. She was not invited to any major milestone events for me or my siblings and was specifically banned from my grandmother's funeral. My aunt (dad's brother's wife) once called dad's AP a whore to her face. Much of the ire was class based (AP worked retail and had a GED) and assumed she set out to trap my dad. I only just recently found out that was actually a correct assumption. Her own marriage was failing and she had two little kids. After my dad knocked her up, she left her husband and my dad supported her through CC). I don't say any of this proudly. My dad basically got off much lighter in the Scarlet Letter department. Even my mom's family always treated him politely afterwards and he was a pallbearer when my other grandmother (mom's mom) died.

Your dad's partner was banned from his own mother's funeral?

Yep. The same aunt who called her a whore planned the funeral and called all the shots.

Wow. That's messed up.

NP, but I don't think it's such a terrible thing. It's not her mother, and they weren't married.

[Anonymous]

My husband's brother did this, and for a long time nobody knew that wife #2 had been the AP. A few people suspected, but everyone basically kept their mouths shut for the kids' sake. I don't know if the ex-wife ever knew, or found out later, or what.

Anyway, about 7 or 8 years later, one of the guy's teenage sons somehow found out that it was an affair and all hell broke loose. Total rejection of his father and the new wife, total rejection of parental authority, breaking all the rules, calling his dad and the new wife liars and cheaters to their face, constantly angry and defiant, disregarding curfews and any other parental rules. He accused his father of manipulating him into accepting and getting along with wife #2, when he would not have done so had he known the truth about them. Of course then the other son found out too and behaved similarly, and they have never accepted the new wife after that so family relations are rather strained and it's awkward for everyone. We're past the time of yelling and outbursts, but things are still unpleasant.

I don't particularly like this guy, so I think he had it coming-- if you teach your children that it's ok to lie and treat others badly, you have it coming when they lie to you.

[Anonymous]

Two of my cousins started dating very soon after separating from their first wives, and we all pretty much accept that the second wives were in the picture before separation. It's not totally drama-filled in terms of actual publicized cheating, and who knows, maybe it didn't involve cheating. But it's still whispered about.

In the case of one cousin, he's now been married for 20 years to his second wife and he is SO happy. They are still so in love, and honestly it is clear to everyone that he is literally a thousand times happier with his second wife. She is warmly welcomed everywhere and is a great addition to our family.

In the second case, the rumors of actual cheating are more rampant. And pretty much everyone loved the first wife. We miss her at family get-togethers. I still send her a holiday card each year. The second wife is shrewish and unfriendly and not very kind to his kids. So even though they've now been married at least 15 years, she's still considered the "new wife" and not really spoken of much. And they've become very distant from the extended family.

[Anonymous]

They've been married for 30 years, and no one gives it a second thought. Why would they?

At the time, there was some friction, but people kept it cool for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

I don't really care, but when I had to go to my BIL's big fancy wedding to his AP, it really was kind of gross, and it was hard not to roll my eyes. Their ceremony included "till death do us part" AND "forsaking all others"! Come on. She's actually his third wife.

[Anonymous]

My cousin did. although I feel bad for her first husband, who she got the kids to turn against, the new guy is quite nice and they've been together a long time. They seem very happy and compatible. I'm sure some of the truly assholey people in my family gossiped at some point, but none of the cousins got our panties in a bunch about it.

[Anonymous]

My brother, with no warning, showed up on our parent's doorstep with some sob story about how his wife kicked him out and could be stay there? Oh, and by the way, this is my girlfriend and can she stay here, too? Both of them married to other people.

When our other brother got married, he invited the brother who had the affair, but not the AP (she still hasn't finalized her divorce, 4 years later). Brother went ballistic, very ugly. But, I don't blame the brother who got married; AP didn't exactly conduct herself real well at family functions when we all tried to be polite. Besides, we all like the ex-wife a check of a lot more.

[Anonymous]

My brother is living with his AP and brings her to family events. They sleep together at my (very old-fashioned) parents' house when they visit. My parents and I are polite to her. I never expect to be close friends with her, however.

[Anonymous]

My family is nice to my BIL's AP/girlfriend to her face, but of course the affair lessened people's opinion of both of them. Nobody expects their relationship to last or really bothers to get to know her, and she doesn't get much consideration in scheduling family events since most people would prefer not to be reminded of BIL's deceitful dealings and poor taste in APs.

[Anonymous]

My mom committed suicide after she found out. I never knew until college why my mom really passed away. My dad is still married to his ap. They met at work.

[Anonymous]

A cousin my dad's age was cheating with a woman. His wife found out, they got divorced and the cousin remarried - to the affair lady. The divorce was apparently very bitter. They had two sons, around 16 and 18, and at my bat mitzvah, one or both had to leave because he/they got so upset.

I think the OG wife tried to slink off into the sunset, but my aunt (dad's twin sister) who is normally very caustic and very mean reached out to her, and reached out hard, and repeatedly. She kept inviting OG Wife to family gatherings, and not the cheating cousin. Oddly, the boys lived with the dad, though I'm not sure why, so we also stayed in touch with the cousin who cheated. I don't think the OG wife and cousin were ever invited to the same family events.

[Anonymous]

My BIL married his AP, and he is much happier so we are all happy for him. He was miserable with his first wife. He later told me that the last ten years with her were pretty much sexless. She honestly let herself go and weighed maybe 250 lbs. He gave her everything that she wanted in the divorce but she is still bitter and does whatever it takes to prevent their daughter from communicating with the Dad. I feel sorry for the child. The mom ruined her life.