Could you stay with your DH if he cheated on you while you were pregnant?

[Anonymous]

My H cheated on me when I was pregnant with my second. It is actually quite common. I stayed and I worked and I made more money than he did.

It is possible to work things out, and it is also okay to leave.

Did he stop seeing the OW?

Is he remorseful that he cheated not that he got caught?

Is he willing to go to individual counseling?

Is he generally a good guy (has a job, is involved with the kids, treats her well) or is he a total deadbeat? you are the friend, you know. (you may thing "treat her well?!!!???" but men (people) compartmentalize, many happily married men cheat, they just want sex, not more, no less... but it is a sign that he needs to put others needs before his own selfish ones.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I found out just before my window for an abortion at 6 months closed. I thought hard about whether to keep the baby or not. I chose to continue the pregnancy for a variety of reasons, but can easily see how I might have chosen differently, particularly if I had been earlier in my pregnancy, my oldest had been younger and I had been less confident financially.

Here is my advice.

Don't feel like you have to make any decision right away.

See a lawyer immediately for a consult so you know the general likely terms of divorce. A consult of 1.5 hours should cost $750 or less. If you need to, take it in cash from daily bills at the supermarket.

Watch and document behavior, both for proof of affair and for custody issues. Proof of affair doesn't make a difference in divorce legally, but can give you the moral upper hand and thus some negotiating leverage. Monitor everything - cell phone bills, credit card, computer, bank accounts, etc. This sounds crazy, but affair participants often gaslight their partners.

Get back to work ASAP - whatever you can find. Even if you feel like it barely covers childcare, it puts you back in the job market with chances for better opportunities.

Remember that the likelihood this will turn out well, i.e. that when confronted the DH will be remorseful and work to regain trust and the relationship, is very, very slim. You may still want to try to confront and reconcile, but still the odds are long.

Remember also that the affair is in NO way the betrayed spouse's fault. Affairs happen because the wayward spouse consciously chooses to deceive rather than deal with problems. The betrayed spouse, flaws and all, is entitled to honesty and fair dealings.

I won't kid - it's a horrible situation to go through. I'm better now that I'm out with my kids, but the kids and I are negatively affect by their Dad's shitty choices for the rest of our lives, despite doing what we can to insulate ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom always told me "you work when you don't want to so you can walk when you have to." So I work just in case something like this happens.

This is such a dismal way of looking at marriage. To answer your question, OP, no I wouldn't, pregnant or not.

Know what's dismal? Trying to re-build your life after you gave up your career for someone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I work.

If you work because you think there is a realistic chance your DH will cheat, then something is wrong. Either you know he's likely to cheat or you don't trust him.

-WOHM

[Anonymous]

I don't know. My DH is a great husband and a great dad. He is a better parent than I am in many ways, and way more patient. Sex was infrequent during both of my pregnancies and even more so during the year I nursed each kid. Not saying he had the right to cheat but if he had, I would know why. I can't really imagine raising my kids without him there by my side. But then, not sure I could ever trust him again so I imagine that would lead to the eventual demise of the relationship, but I have a feeling I would try to stick it out for a good while, assuming of course he was remorseful and wanted to work on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom always told me "you work when you don't want to so you can walk when you have to." So I work just in case something like this happens.

This is such a dismal way of looking at marriage. To answer your question, OP, no I wouldn't, pregnant or not.

Know what's dismal? Trying to re-build your life after you gave up your career for someone else's.

most wives do not "give up their career" for their husbands career. They stop working by their own choice because they want to stay home with the kids or because they always dreamed of being a stay at home. The choice is almost never forced on a woman by the husband. Sometimes there are trailing spouses but that is not the most common reason a woman may choose not to work. Her choice is usually due to reasons that do not involve her husbands career progression.

Furthermore, most men who are single earners in their home do so at great sacrifice. It is very stressful to know that there is no backup income in the event of a layoff. Men working to support their wives when they chose to stay home is a very big gift they give to their wives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom always told me "you work when you don't want to so you can walk when you have to." So I work just in case something like this happens.

This is such a dismal way of looking at marriage. To answer your question, OP, no I wouldn't, pregnant or not.

Know what's dismal? Trying to re-build your life after you gave up your career for someone else's.

most wives do not "give up their career" for their husbands career. They stop working by their own choice because they want to stay home with the kids or because they always dreamed of being a stay at home. The choice is almost never forced on a woman by the husband. Sometimes there are trailing spouses but that is not the most common reason a woman may choose not to work. Her choice is usually due to reasons that do not involve her husbands career progression.

Furthermore, most men who are single earners in their home do so at great sacrifice. It is very stressful to know that there is no backup income in the event of a layoff. Men working to support their wives when they chose to stay home is a very big gift they give to their wives!

Talk to a divorce lawyer, they will tell you a very different story.

Many men marry a women thinking they will work, but they have a child and just can bear leaving the child or think that they break even with day care... but they swear they will go back to work, but they don't even when the kids go to school, the excuses go on and on and on ....

Not everybody is in the same relationship as you.

MRS degree was not a term created for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant right now, and my answer is...I don't know. I'd need to know more. Was it a one-time thing or a long-term affair? Did he have feelings for the other woman? Was he cheating on me because he didn't like how I am pregnant (i.e., he wasn't attracted to me physically or thought that I was being too "emotional," etc), or did the affair begin before I was ever pregnant?

I can't say that these answers would make me come to one conclusion or another; I'd just really need to know all the facts before I made a decision. And to be honest, unless I found out he was cheating in a Tiger Woods type fashion, I doubt I'd make *any* decision until after I gave birth.

I'm sorry for your friend. This is a terrible position to be put into. I hope she has a good support system around her and that she is able to take care of herself and her child during this time.

+1
These are all factors I would consider too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom always told me "you work when you don't want to so you can walk when you have to." So I work just in case something like this happens.

This is such a dismal way of looking at marriage. To answer your question, OP, no I wouldn't, pregnant or not.

Know what's dismal? Trying to re-build your life after you gave up your career for someone else's.

most wives do not "give up their career" for their husbands career. They stop working by their own choice because they want to stay home with the kids or because they always dreamed of being a stay at home. The choice is almost never forced on a woman by the husband. Sometimes there are trailing spouses but that is not the most common reason a woman may choose not to work. Her choice is usually due to reasons that do not involve her husbands career progression.

Furthermore, most men who are single earners in their home do so at great sacrifice. It is very stressful to know that there is no backup income in the event of a layoff. Men working to support their wives when they chose to stay home is a very big gift they give to their wives!

Gift? Gross.

My mom gave up her very successful career and it was a terrible choice. Now she's trying to rebuild her career and applying for secretarial positions serving the position she used to hold.

I'll keep working and keep hedging the risk-- of him cheating, dying, getting fired, burning out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me when I was pregnant with my 2nd. I found out just before my window for an abortion at 6 months closed. I thought hard about whether to keep the baby or not. I chose to continue the pregnancy for a variety of reasons, but can easily see how I might have chosen differently, particularly if I had been earlier in my pregnancy, my oldest had been younger and I had been less confident financially.

Here is my advice.

Don't feel like you have to make any decision right away.

See a lawyer immediately for a consult so you know the general likely terms of divorce. A consult of 1.5 hours should cost $750 or less. If you need to, take it in cash from daily bills at the supermarket.

Watch and document behavior, both for proof of affair and for custody issues. Proof of affair doesn't make a difference in divorce legally, but can give you the moral upper hand and thus some negotiating leverage. Monitor everything - cell phone bills, credit card, computer, bank accounts, etc. This sounds crazy, but affair participants often gaslight their partners.

Get back to work ASAP - whatever you can find. Even if you feel like it barely covers childcare, it puts you back in the job market with chances for better opportunities.

Remember that the likelihood this will turn out well, i.e. that when confronted the DH will be remorseful and work to regain trust and the relationship, is very, very slim. You may still want to try to confront and reconcile, but still the odds are long.

Remember also that the affair is in NO way the betrayed spouse's fault. Affairs happen because the wayward spouse consciously chooses to deceive rather than deal with problems. The betrayed spouse, flaws and all, is entitled to honesty and fair dealings.

I won't kid - it's a horrible situation to go through. I'm better now that I'm out with my kids, but the kids and I are negatively affect by their Dad's shitty choices for the rest of our lives, despite doing what we can to insulate ourselves.

I am staunchly pro choice but I am a bit perturbed you considered aborting THAT late into a pregnancy because your husband cheated. You can feel kicks and know sex at that stage. I totally get aborting at 6 months if your health is in jeopardy or fetus won't live or at 7 weeks when it's just cells but damn. At 6 months for infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom always told me "you work when you don't want to so you can walk when you have to." So I work just in case something like this happens.

This is such a dismal way of looking at marriage. To answer your question, OP, no I wouldn't, pregnant or not.

Know what's dismal? Trying to re-build your life after you gave up your career for someone else's.

most wives do not "give up their career" for their husbands career. They stop working by their own choice because they want to stay home with the kids or because they always dreamed of being a stay at home. The choice is almost never forced on a woman by the husband. Sometimes there are trailing spouses but that is not the most common reason a woman may choose not to work. Her choice is usually due to reasons that do not involve her husbands career progression.

Furthermore, most men who are single earners in their home do so at great sacrifice. It is very stressful to know that there is no backup income in the event of a layoff. Men working to support their wives when they chose to stay home is a very big gift they give to their wives!

Gift? Gross.

My mom gave up her very successful career and it was a terrible choice. Now she's trying to rebuild her career and applying for secretarial positions serving the position she used to hold.

I'll keep working and keep hedging the risk-- of him cheating, dying, getting fired, burning out.

+1! SAHM is not a gift from DH, but rather a sacrifice/trust the mom (or dad SAHD) makes for the family. Cheating breaks the trust, dissolving the marriage and damaging the family.

I'm a SAHM now and if DH cheated, I'd divorce. I'd get back on my feet financially and show the kids that disloyalty has its consequences.

Dependency is not love. The ability to walk away from a deceitful relationship (which is what cheating is) is far healthier than being dependent on a "gift" which is a thinly veiled guilt trip and excuse to overstep boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. My DH is a great husband and a great dad. He is a better parent than I am in many ways, and way more patient. Sex was infrequent during both of my pregnancies and even more so during the year I nursed each kid. Not saying he had the right to cheat but if he had, I would know why. I can't really imagine raising my kids without him there by my side. But then, not sure I could ever trust him again so I imagine that would lead to the eventual demise of the relationship, but I have a feeling I would try to stick it out for a good while, assuming of course he was remorseful and wanted to work on things.

+1. It's not just about me.

[Anonymous]

I would stay until the hard newborn part has passed, but I would be plotting my departure.

[Anonymous]

I think it would feel worse if my husband cheated while I was pregnant. I think I'd be even less able to try and work through something like that.

I'm really sorry for your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if men with true professional peer wives are less likely to cheat because they don't feel an entitlement that I can imagine being the sole breadwinner might engender.

Actually then the woman cheats.