Please help if you have experience dealing with a narcissist mother or MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you try having an honest talk with your DH about what you see happening? Be calm and just explain that it seems his mother is pulling him in to take over the role as Favorite Child. Explain why that makes you uncomfortable. I think discussing it out in the open is best. Your whole plan to "be really nice so he focuses on our family" is pretty silly. TALK to him about it all. If you can't have honest conversations, this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem.

I have tried but we end up arguing whenever the topic of his mother comes up. His brother has started talking to him about her and he seems more receptive to that so maybe it will help. Probably a therapist needs to tell him. I may try to find an article or something that describes the family dynamic and how dysfunctional/damaging it is. It's hard because he doesn't know anything else.

Your husband may not be ready to hear the truth about his mother and the family dynamic. For awhile my brother (the Golden Child) kept saying that our mother's horrible behavior was cultural. I (the scapegoat) would point out that so many things from our childhood were far beyond anything cultural. I had already (with the help of my therapist) realized she has NPD, and cut off contact. Finally my mother did something egregious enough that my brother called me and was basically like "WTF is wrong with this woman." I took that opportunity to gently tell him that I had been researching this extensively and that my therapist had confirmed that she has NPD. Until her behavior really and truly affected him, he just was not ready to hear the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you try having an honest talk with your DH about what you see happening? Be calm and just explain that it seems his mother is pulling him in to take over the role as Favorite Child. Explain why that makes you uncomfortable. I think discussing it out in the open is best. Your whole plan to "be really nice so he focuses on our family" is pretty silly. TALK to him about it all. If you can't have honest conversations, this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem.

I have tried but we end up arguing whenever the topic of his mother comes up. His brother has started talking to him about her and he seems more receptive to that so maybe it will help. Probably a therapist needs to tell him. I may try to find an article or something that describes the family dynamic and how dysfunctional/damaging it is. It's hard because he doesn't know anything else.

Your husband may not be ready to hear the truth about his mother and the family dynamic. For awhile my brother (the Golden Child) kept saying that our mother's horrible behavior was cultural. I (the scapegoat) would point out that so many things from our childhood were far beyond anything cultural. I had already (with the help of my therapist) realized she has NPD, and cut off contact. Finally my mother did something egregious enough that my brother called me and was basically like "WTF is wrong with this woman." I took that opportunity to gently tell him that I had been researching this extensively and that my therapist had confirmed that she has NPD. Until her behavior really and truly affected him, he just was not ready to hear the truth.

Are you my sister-in-law? Yes, one of the tough things about dealing with narcissists is that the people who stay in their lives and enmeshed are thoroughly worked on and susceptible/naive, so when you point out the behavior is not normal or acceptable, they're conditioned to buy into the myths the npd mother has set up, and you will be scoffed at and, if the narcissist hears about it, blocked out.

Your husband's mother is certainly trying to pull him in, because she needs a network of people under her control to create the (artificial) self that she doesn't have within her. His negative reaction to her behavior is his healthy boundaries feeling encroached upon. He may not realize that. He needs to see it for himself, with your tactful and gentle help. His mother will probably see you as an enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an Nmother. The only thing that keeps me sane is limited contact and firm boundaries.

Same here. The problem is all the collateral damage it creates - for example, as I wrote last week in another thread, I don't see my father as often as I'd like.

For OP, her issue is whether her DH is in danger of falling for MIL's fishing or not. OP is right to distract him. Maybe start locking in all of this year's vacation without MIL. Reservations and everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an Nmother. The only thing that keeps me sane is limited contact and firm boundaries.

Same here. The problem is all the collateral damage it creates - for example, as I wrote last week in another thread, I don't see my father as often as I'd like.

For OP, her issue is whether her DH is in danger of falling for MIL's fishing or not. OP is right to distract him. Maybe start locking in all of this year's vacation without MIL. Reservations and everything.

Are you the nutcase who acknowledges her child is abused by her mother, but thinks it's worth it because she enjoys seeing her child having a relationship with her father?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Can any of you recommend a good therapist who is well versed in these types of issues? It may be pointless but I am going to try to book our schedule so we are always busy. Golden child used to have them over for everything but no longer does. I'm sure MIL will cry to DH that she has no plans. Also, with respect to the fathers, that is what makes me so angry - the father is such an enabler. He lets her criticize and berate people and just stands there like a fool.

[Anonymous]

The website Though the Fog has really helpful information about having family members with personality disorders.