Please help if you have experience dealing with a narcissist mother or MIL

[Anonymous]

My MIL fits the pattern of a narcissist mother exactly. DH is the scapegoat, his brother is the golden child, and his sister is the forgotten one. Things have been manageable for us. DH didn't have a close relationship with his parents and largely ignored his mother. His brother, the golden child, has started turning on the parents and things seem to be escalating out of control. MIL is suddenly calling DH nonstop and DH has been really grouchy and moody. FIL seems depressed. I am scared this is going to end badly. Has anyone been through this? DH realizes his mom is mean and nasty but I am scared MIL is going off the edge and is way too focused on DH now. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Yes, my mother fits this pattern. Basically, she definitely is a self centered maniac who projects all of her imagined awesomeness on one child and all of her disdain on the other. She has flipped between brother and I depending on circumstances.

So, if my experience is any indication, she might try to rope DH into her web. He might become the one who she expects to do her bidding. According to the theory, she would make that very intoxicating for him and difficult to resist, at least in the beginning.

I think it's a good sign that he sounds grouchy. Hopefully that means he's sufficiently detached from her not to get roped in.

What does he say about the matter? Does he have an impulse to keep distance between him and his mom?

[Anonymous]

Detach. It's not about him or you and It'll always be about her. You and DH don't have I do anything you don't want to. No one owes anyone anything besides civility. He doesn't even have to Pick up the phone every time.

[Anonymous]

What are you scared of exactly? Can you articulate it?

The narcissist mother only has the power you give her. I have a mother like this. Once you truly stop caring, it's a different ball game. So where is your DH in all this? Is he likely to get roped into this mother's shenanigans or is he detached? Advice would differ based on that critical question.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thank you. He says she is a b**** but that she is his mother so we should just ignore it. His brother has been very dutiful and has been with them all the time for years. I mean they do everything together. Now that he is pulling away and fighting with MIL and FIL I am scared she will try to get DH to fill this role. DH has a very difficult time telling her "no" but it hasn't been much of an issue until now. He says she has been calling a lot because of the holidays. I hope it eases up but I'm not so sure. What do you suggest I do? I'm thinking I need to be really nice and get DH focused on our family to get his focus away from MIL. He has always said he doesn't want to be like his brother and have them around all the time but if the opportunity presents itself I am scared he will take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thank you. He says she is a b**** but that she is his mother so we should just ignore it. His brother has been very dutiful and has been with them all the time for years. I mean they do everything together. Now that he is pulling away and fighting with MIL and FIL I am scared she will try to get DH to fill this role. DH has a very difficult time telling her "no" but it hasn't been much of an issue until now. He says she has been calling a lot because of the holidays. I hope it eases up but I'm not so sure. What do you suggest I do? I'm thinking I need to be really nice and get DH focused on our family to get his focus away from MIL. He has always said he doesn't want to be like his brother and have them around all the time but if the opportunity presents itself I am scared he will take it.

Oh and she affects DH in a really negative way. Miserable to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thank you. He says she is a b**** but that she is his mother so we should just ignore it. His brother has been very dutiful and has been with them all the time for years. I mean they do everything together. Now that he is pulling away and fighting with MIL and FIL I am scared she will try to get DH to fill this role. DH has a very difficult time telling her "no" but it hasn't been much of an issue until now. He says she has been calling a lot because of the holidays. I hope it eases up but I'm not so sure. What do you suggest I do? I'm thinking I need to be really nice and get DH focused on our family to get his focus away from MIL. He has always said he doesn't want to be like his brother and have them around all the time but if the opportunity presents itself I am scared he will take it.

It doesn't like he's detached at all from her.

You wait and see what happens and see how he reacts and you support his journey as he figures it out. You can ask leading questions to help him think it through, but he needs to sort out his own relationship and dynamic with his mother. You can't do that for him.

[Anonymous]

I have a narcissist for a mother and like anyone else I'll tell you that limiting or even eliminating contact is the only solution with one of them.

However, you don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. He's clearly been traumatized and damaged by her-- hence the moodiness when she's in his life -- but he has not detached nor set boundaries. It's just that he never had the opportunity to be the appendage child until now (narcissists divide humanity into two categories: appendages and enemies).

You need to tell him to get into therapy and cut her the hell out. Block her number if he must, at least for the time being. It's his job to do this and something you can legitimately demand for the health of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Just just have to back away. All of you.

[Anonymous]

We ended up cutting them out of our lives. If you are dealing with someone who is clinically narcissistic, it is the only way to come out sane. My parents are dead and we don't have any contact with his family so we are 100% alone. No safety net if we should have problems. It is a horrible situation. GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a narcissist for a mother and like anyone else I'll tell you that limiting or even eliminating contact is the only solution with one of them.

However, you don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. He's clearly been traumatized and damaged by her-- hence the moodiness when she's in his life -- but he has not detached nor set boundaries. It's just that he never had the opportunity to be the appendage child until now (narcissists divide humanity into two categories: appendages and enemies).

You need to tell him to get into therapy and cut her the hell out. Block her number if he must, at least for the time being. It's his job to do this and something you can legitimately demand for the health of your marriage.

OP, I would try a gentler approach than this unless you want to posting on the relationship forum soon. Try to help him sort through it and figure it out. He hasn't even had a chance yet! If, down the road, he's refusing to see the negative impact on him and your family, then you move toward therapy and demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Detach. It's not about him or you and It'll always be about her. You and DH don't have I do anything you don't want to. No one owes anyone anything besides civility. He doesn't even have to Pick up the phone every time.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have an Nmother. The only thing that keeps me sane is limited contact and firm boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you try having an honest talk with your DH about what you see happening? Be calm and just explain that it seems his mother is pulling him in to take over the role as Favorite Child. Explain why that makes you uncomfortable. I think discussing it out in the open is best. Your whole plan to "be really nice so he focuses on our family" is pretty silly. TALK to him about it all. If you can't have honest conversations, this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you try having an honest talk with your DH about what you see happening? Be calm and just explain that it seems his mother is pulling him in to take over the role as Favorite Child. Explain why that makes you uncomfortable. I think discussing it out in the open is best. Your whole plan to "be really nice so he focuses on our family" is pretty silly. TALK to him about it all. If you can't have honest conversations, this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem.

I have tried but we end up arguing whenever the topic of his mother comes up. His brother has started talking to him about her and he seems more receptive to that so maybe it will help. Probably a therapist needs to tell him. I may try to find an article or something that describes the family dynamic and how dysfunctional/damaging it is. It's hard because he doesn't know anything else.