Worried about brother's weight

[Anonymous]

You can be worried, sure. But there is nothing you can do about it. If he ASKS you for help in getting healthy or losing weight, then yes you can think of ways to help him. Honestly though, this is none of your business. None.

Concentrate on being a good sister. Be thoughtful and loving. Enjoy him whatever size he is. Live your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about unconditional love and support? The same brand you expect and accept.

OP here. I do love my brother unconditionally and am not setting out to "improve" him. Both our parents died prematurely so at the forefront of my mind is the idea that genetics are stacked against my brother and me. Maybe because of that I keep myself in shape and eat healthily. But I don't foist my lifestyle on others. I just don't want to lose my brother at an early age. I get that maybe his attitude is different and wanting to enjoy the pleasure of the moment, especially as, unlike me, he hasn't kids or a partner to consider, but he used to be really active, especially in cycling and snowboarding. He doesn't do either now. I know that saying something could be counterproductive but it's really hard to sit back and watch someone you love wolf down that third or fourth slice of cake. It's like he's an addict, but to food rather than to drugs, alcohol or tobacco.

[Anonymous]

Was he abused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about unconditional love and support? The same brand you expect and accept.

OP here. I do love my brother unconditionally and am not setting out to "improve" him. Both our parents died prematurely so at the forefront of my mind is the idea that genetics are stacked against my brother and me. Maybe because of that I keep myself in shape and eat healthily. But I don't foist my lifestyle on others. I just don't want to lose my brother at an early age. I get that maybe his attitude is different and wanting to enjoy the pleasure of the moment, especially as, unlike me, he hasn't kids or a partner to consider, but he used to be really active, especially in cycling and snowboarding. He doesn't do either now. I know that saying something could be counterproductive but it's really hard to sit back and watch someone you love wolf down that third or fourth slice of cake. It's like he's an addict, but to food rather than to drugs, alcohol or tobacco.

I really doubt your brother wants to die prematurely either. His attitude is not different -- his behavior is different. Your "saying something" about his eating more cake serves only to shame his behavior.

Actually, you do foist your lifestyle on others. You bought him a Fitbit, you want to "say something" to magically change him back into an active person to guarantee that he won't die prematurely. What you really need to deal with are your fears.

[Anonymous]

See, why is it ok to confront someone with an addiction to alcohol, gambling, or shopping but not to food? I get that people are sensitive about it, but when it becomes a real health concern then I think it's fine to bring it up.

I'm sure he knows it's an issue, but there's obviously something wrong if he knows it and still does it.

And I'm happy to report that after a few years of struggle (and a weight that I'm guessing can't have been under 600 lb), my own BIL finally had successful lap band surgery. We are all so glad for him and will do what we can to support this new chapter for him.

[Anonymous]

My father was rail thin when he dropped dead of a heart attack. My mother was thin and dropped dead of a heart attack. My obese grandfather died in his sleep at 83.

Leave your brother alone. He's a grown man with a mirror and I'm sure he saw your disgust.

If you keep on he'll exclude you from his life. Is that what you want ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, why is it ok to confront someone with an addiction to alcohol, gambling, or shopping but not to food? I get that people are sensitive about it, but when it becomes a real health concern then I think it's fine to bring it up.

I'm sure he knows it's an issue, but there's obviously something wrong if he knows it and still does it.

And I'm happy to report that after a few years of struggle (and a weight that I'm guessing can't have been under 600 lb), my own BIL finally had successful lap band surgery. We are all so glad for him and will do what we can to support this new chapter for him.

Alcohol, gambling and shopping all have much bigger negative effects than food addiction (drunks act out, gambling/shopping addicts often lie about money or steal). The only person he is harming is himself, by eating too much. Where is the line, if we can all police how much cake everyone eats? I think it's ok to say ONCE "Brother, I'm worried about your health". ONCE. That's all you get. If brother wants helps, you gave him an opening. If brother wants you to STFU so he can die with his face in a cake, that's HIS CHOICE. Everyone in this scenario is a grown up. Grown ups get to decide if they want to eat 4 slices of cake.

Nagging someone to lose weight has never worked in the history of weight loss. Never. Not once.

[Anonymous]

Similar issue. My sister has gained 50lbs in the past year and she's 20. My mom has struggled her whole life with her weight (she's size 16) and she's beside herself with what to do about my sister. Sister is 250lbs and 5'0.

She goes back and forth between thinking it's my sister's life, but she's still my parents' dependent. If it were anything other than weight there would be ways to help. Alcoholics/drug addicts go to rehab. Anorexics also get checked into rehab centers. It's tanked my sister's health also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about unconditional love and support? The same brand you expect and accept.

OP here. I do love my brother unconditionally and am not setting out to "improve" him. Both our parents died prematurely so at the forefront of my mind is the idea that genetics are stacked against my brother and me. Maybe because of that I keep myself in shape and eat healthily. But I don't foist my lifestyle on others. I just don't want to lose my brother at an early age. I get that maybe his attitude is different and wanting to enjoy the pleasure of the moment, especially as, unlike me, he hasn't kids or a partner to consider, but he used to be really active, especially in cycling and snowboarding. He doesn't do either now. I know that saying something could be counterproductive but it's really hard to sit back and watch someone you love wolf down that third or fourth slice of cake. It's like he's an addict, but to food rather than to drugs, alcohol or tobacco.

It's not "like" he's an addict. He is an addict. His drug of choice is food. His life--his choice.

You sound mostly concerned about yourself. As in what will happen to you when your last living close relative dies. Oh well. You will be harshly reminded that we are all mortal. Time takes care of everybody, regardless of health status. So please back off, because nothing good can come from one adult teaching another right from wrong. Your brother knows he is fat and is likely to die young. He probably made his peace with it, and so should you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, why is it ok to confront someone with an addiction to alcohol, gambling, or shopping but not to food? I get that people are sensitive about it, but when it becomes a real health concern then I think it's fine to bring it up.

I'm sure he knows it's an issue, but there's obviously something wrong if he knows it and still does it.

And I'm happy to report that after a few years of struggle (and a weight that I'm guessing can't have been under 600 lb), my own BIL finally had successful lap band surgery. We are all so glad for him and will do what we can to support this new chapter for him.

I tend to agree if his weight is to the point where he likely is having health effects. My aunt died at 50 from obesity (and not anywhere close to 600 pounds - maybe 300) - everyone tiptoed around the issue her whole life, even when her health was declining, because people seemed to think that it was taboo or that she would turn it around. Instead, her lungs collapsed from the weight and killed her.

I get that you can't nag people about it and shouldn't bring it up unless you have legitimate health concerns, but I regret every day that our family didn't have some sort of intervention or come to Jesus with my aunt. She is dearly missed, and her death feels so preventable.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned both parents died prematurely. You think this has something to do with his turning to food for comfort, particularly around the holidays?

Don't nag him about his weight and losing weight--I am sure he is aware he is heavy and its slowing him down. Do you think you could help him by being there for him when he needs to talk about the loss of his parents and maybe providing some support at times when he generally feels alone, maybe by inviting him to do something when he is most likely to be depressed?

[Anonymous]

Love him and try to connect with him - but not about his weight.

[Anonymous]

You said he used to bike. Did he stop due to an injury? If not then ask him why he stopped and if he wants to train for a bike ride together in the summer. He might want to if there's someone else to enter the race with.

[Anonymous]

I have several relatives who are severely overweight. I mind my own business because it's not my body and I don't think nagging really helps a person want to change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about unconditional love and support? The same brand you expect and accept.

OP here. I do love my brother unconditionally and am not setting out to "improve" him. Both our parents died prematurely so at the forefront of my mind is the idea that genetics are stacked against my brother and me. Maybe because of that I keep myself in shape and eat healthily. But I don't foist my lifestyle on others. I just don't want to lose my brother at an early age. I get that maybe his attitude is different and wanting to enjoy the pleasure of the moment, especially as, unlike me, he hasn't kids or a partner to consider, but he used to be really active, especially in cycling and snowboarding. He doesn't do either now. I know that saying something could be counterproductive but it's really hard to sit back and watch someone you love wolf down that third or fourth slice of cake. It's like he's an addict, but to food rather than to drugs, alcohol or tobacco.

You bought him a Fitbit!