Visiting mother-in-law and it's time for a nursing home, but...

[Anonymous]

Discarding the elderly. Nice.

Have you ever visited a nursing home? Even a "nice" one? More power to your wife and her family for trying to make their mother's final years as comfortable as possible. She raised them, after all.

Lots of good advice provided. You need to step up and show some compassion because one day, this could be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The concept of sending a parent away should be an anathema to any decent human being. Then again, the concept if sending a 6-week-old to daycare is not that hot either. It's the American way. Don't harp on OP, he simply doesn't know any better.

But who should care for a parent? Why is it always women? What about their lives and careers?

Children. God knows, there is help out there. What is your life, if you ascribe so little value to family? Career? I'm sorry, but I can't help laughing at this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if this woman's children do not want to put her in a nursing home, and they have the resources and time to care for her, it really isn't any of your business.

This x 1000!

[Anonymous]

In Asian culture, the man/son has the responsibility to take care of the elderly. But most of the time they delegate it to sisters to do it as the their wives won't like it, especially If they married non Asian.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the lack of planning on your wife's side of the family. I'm in the same boat with my non Asian MIL. We found a nursing home but it will cost $6,700.00 a month. My MIL never saved any money. She was married three times. She never paid for collage for any of her kids but she loved to travel.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The concept of sending a parent away should be an anathema to any decent human being. Then again, the concept if sending a 6-week-old to daycare is not that hot either. It's the American way. Don't harp on OP, he simply doesn't know any better.

But who should care for a parent? Why is it always women? What about their lives and careers?

So you are willing to shut your mom into a nursing home to avoid any inconvenience to yourself, your life, and your career? Really? Have you ever been to a nursing home? They are hell. I watched three great grandmas die in them, and my dad (mom is dead) will go into one of those places over my dead body. You know what? He played with me when I was little, helped me with my homework for years, and paid for college, so I'm willing to suffer a little inconvenience to care for him at home when he needs it.

You are a cold, terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Asian parents dedicated their life to raise their kids on their own, ie, without help of daycare, unlike, American parents. They value family. Mom usually stay home to take care of family. Dad is main provider.

They live modestly, and spent most the income on raising family, so of course they dont have much saving or retirement funds. They spent it on the children, so that children have better life than them.

It's expected that children will take care of them as they get old. It's an honor for the children to be able to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP and his family don't have the resources to do those things. Maybe things are tight for them financially and they can't contribute financially. Maybe OP and his wife are both working 3 jobs and can't take in MIL for a half day.

Really? OP seems to have enough time to come onto DCUM. I seriously doubt any of those are factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the lack of planning on your wife's side of the family. I'm in the same boat with my non Asian MIL. We found a nursing home but it will cost $6,700.00 a month. My MIL never saved any money. She was married three times. She never paid for collage for any of her kids but she loved to travel.

Good luck.

Actually you are better off without any money. There is something called long term medicaid. My MIL is on it in a nursing home. They take her social security check and all she gets is $77 but it pays for her care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The concept of sending a parent away should be an anathema to any decent human being. Then again, the concept if sending a 6-week-old to daycare is not that hot either. It's the American way. Don't harp on OP, he simply doesn't know any better.

But who should care for a parent? Why is it always women? What about their lives and careers?

So you are willing to shut your mom into a nursing home to avoid any inconvenience to yourself, your life, and your career? Really? Have you ever been to a nursing home? They are hell. I watched three great grandmas die in them, and my dad (mom is dead) will go into one of those places over my dead body. You know what? He played with me when I was little, helped me with my homework for years, and paid for college, so I'm willing to suffer a little inconvenience to care for him at home when he needs it.

You are a cold, terrible person.

Have you ever been a full time care giver to someone who cannot be left home alone, cannot do anything for themselves, and has no mind/memory. I did for 9 months and it was the most difficult thing I've done. I couldn't do it anymore and be a good parent to my kids as my MIL consumed everything - I could not leave her in the house but she refused to go out so it meant my kids missing school and much more. Its fine if you have a lot of support, a large house and caregiver support. We did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian parents dedicated their life to raise their kids on their own, ie, without help of daycare, unlike, American parents. They value family. Mom usually stay home to take care of family. Dad is main provider.

They live modestly, and spent most the income on raising family, so of course they dont have much saving or retirement funds. They spent it on the children, so that children have better life than them.

It's expected that children will take care of them as they get old. It's an honor for the children to be able to do the same.

This is making a lot of assumptions. Most Asian families were just like my white family- both parents worked, saved for retirement, had good jobs and then retired. I live in the DC area though and my friends can't afford houses big enough for their moms/parents to move in.

That being said, we're struggling with my 95 year old grandma. She is extremely frugal (being a kid during the Depression and an adult during WW2) and she just doesn't want to pay for a nursing home or a health aid. She has the money, but just can't part with it. She fires any aide we send her way. She doesn't want to move in with her kids either. We're between a rock and a hard place with her and we're all pretty sure it's going to end badly for grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the lack of planning on your wife's side of the family. I'm in the same boat with my non Asian MIL. We found a nursing home but it will cost $6,700.00 a month. My MIL never saved any money. She was married three times. She never paid for collage for any of her kids but she loved to travel.

Good luck.

Actually you are better off without any money. There is something called long term medicaid. My MIL is on it in a nursing home. They take her social security check and all she gets is $77 but it pays for her care.

HAH. good luck getting into any of these places. Most people who really need medicaid have to have a terrible fall and then their children have to abandon them in the hospital for medicaid to pick up and take them to a nursing home. It's not easy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian parents dedicated their life to raise their kids on their own, ie, without help of daycare, unlike, American parents. They value family. Mom usually stay home to take care of family. Dad is main provider.

They live modestly, and spent most the income on raising family, so of course they dont have much saving or retirement funds. They spent it on the children, so that children have better life than them.

It's expected that children will take care of them as they get old. It's an honor for the children to be able to do the same.

This is making a lot of assumptions. Most Asian families were just like my white family- both parents worked, saved for retirement, had good jobs and then retired. I live in the DC area though and my friends can't afford houses big enough for their moms/parents to move in.

That being said, we're struggling with my 95 year old grandma. She is extremely frugal (being a kid during the Depression and an adult during WW2) and she just doesn't want to pay for a nursing home or a health aid. She has the money, but just can't part with it. She fires any aide we send her way. She doesn't want to move in with her kids either. We're between a rock and a hard place with her and we're all pretty sure it's going to end badly for grandma.

Sorry to hear. My non-Asian grandma was the same. Her saintly neighbors were a lot of help (checking in, helping out with chores) until she finally had a fall that debilitated her and she ended up in a nursing home. It sucked, but in the end she was mature about it. My mom gave the kids of these saintly neighbors a huge contribution to their kids' college funds as a thank you (not a tit for tat, but more the point that their kindness was genuinely appreciated.)

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you're just venting and looking for ideas.

It seems like maybe the first step is looking at home health care support. I just googled and came up with this list, if you're in DC: http://doh.dc.gov/service/home-health-agency-facility-list This is so hard, and I feel for you. My parents are still in good health, but I remember the differing choices that my parents made for each of their parents towards end of life due to their unique needs, and all four were different.

Does MIL have any resources or savings of her own? Check on Medicaid and what it will cover in terms of providing in-home support. How does your wife feel? Are she and her sister in agreement about keeping your mother at home? Talk with her doctors as well.

Good luck. Being that elderly has so little dignity.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of medical issues going on, but it sounds like the most pressing from a caregiver point of view is the leg injury. Would it be possible to sell her on a limited stay rehab stint? My grandmother, who is highly independent, went in for a couple weeks to heal a broken foot and learn proper techniques so she would be able to move around the house (to the bathroom, into the tub, limited steps) without injuring herself further. She is now back to reasonably full mobility for a 91 year old. My other grandmother also had good results from a rehab stint last year, and she is able to shuffle around fairly independently as well, though she still needs full time care, which has been cobbled together between the various relatives and a hired aide.