Visiting mother-in-law and it's time for a nursing home, but...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you're just venting and looking for ideas.

It seems like maybe the first step is looking at home health care support. I just googled and came up with this list, if you're in DC: http://doh.dc.gov/service/home-health-agency-facility-list This is so hard, and I feel for you. My parents are still in good health, but I remember the differing choices that my parents made for each of their parents towards end of life due to their unique needs, and all four were different.

Does MIL have any resources or savings of her own? Check on Medicaid and what it will cover in terms of providing in-home support. How does your wife feel? Are she and her sister in agreement about keeping your mother at home? Talk with her doctors as well.

Good luck. Being that elderly has so little dignity.

What??

[Anonymous]

I'm PP, and maybe it's not an option. I personally don't know the rules for qualifying for Medicare and Medicaid for an elderly person who is now a resident of another's home. Threw it out there for OP to look at, in the event it has potential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:80 years old with high blood pressure, failed kidneys (dialysis 4x a week), hyper-limited diet due to kidney failure, depression and many other issues. Her medicine regime is at least 10-14 different pills per day. She fell recently and injured her leg to the point of not being able to use it and is now in a wheelchair, but she cannot get in or out of the chair without being lifted basically. The recovery from the leg injury is going very very slowly. She needs help to change clothes, go to the bathroom, bathe. Even when she could walk it was very slow, stuttering steps. She cannot cook. She does not speak English as is currently living with my sister-in-law who is having difficulty dealing with her.

OP, the step between family care and a nursing home is in-home care (a certified nursing assistant, also called "unskilled care"). The truly rich often pile on the in-home care and skip the nursing home route altogether. In-home care serves a dual purpose: it helps the elderly person and it gives the family caregiver a break from what is otherwise grueling, emotionally and physically depleting work. The caregiver claws back some of his/her life and also becomes renewed enough to do a better job caregiving.

When planning or talking with people caring for elderly family members (your SIL for example), I would suggest you not skip ahead to what might be 2-3 steps ahead of the present, as you're doing. Even in families from cultures who are more open to nursing homes, the caregiver is so caught up in the day-to-day work that s/he can't see ahead one day or week, let alone a month or a year. Plus the caregiver has a better idea of the obstacles than you do. Even in-home care comes with a price beyond the financial cost; it's a contractor to manage, it's an invasion in privacy.

Has any doctor in contact with your MIL expressed a professional opinion about your MIL's current quality/level of care? You told us your observations, assessment and conclusion. What are your wife's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's expected that children will take care of them as they get old. It's an honor for the children to be able to do the same.

What if the child is physically incapable of lifting the parent? What if the child is so burned out from around-the-clock caregiving that her level of social, emotional, medical or physical care is inadequate for the parent? Could "take care of them" be expanded to managing care that is performed in some cases by others, and if so, how is it done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm PP, and maybe it's not an option. I personally don't know the rules for qualifying for Medicare and Medicaid for an elderly person who is now a resident of another's home. Threw it out there for OP to look at, in the event it has potential.

Medicare (the one through social security) only pays for short term care after a qualifying hospital stay. If your loved one needs to be hospitalized, it is the easiest way to get into a nursing home as medicare pay rates are one of the highest. Some counties have a program for limited home care. We applied in MC and went to aging and disability and it was a joke. We had one nurse who tried to be helpful but most were not. They are supposed to pay for adult day care or an in=home aide and we could never figure out the programs. (in home was hard as we have a tiny house) Long term care medicaid for nursing homes is a separate program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the lack of planning on your wife's side of the family. I'm in the same boat with my non Asian MIL. We found a nursing home but it will cost $6,700.00 a month. My MIL never saved any money. She was married three times. She never paid for collage for any of her kids but she loved to travel.

Good luck.

Actually you are better off without any money. There is something called long term medicaid. My MIL is on it in a nursing home. They take her social security check and all she gets is $77 but it pays for her care.

HAH. good luck getting into any of these places. Most people who really need medicaid have to have a terrible fall and then their children have to abandon them in the hospital for medicaid to pick up and take them to a nursing home. It's not easy

We did it! It was not easy as you have to find a facility that will take medicaid pending or private pay till it comes through. We did it without a qualified hospital stay. It was very difficult but its doable. There are two types of medicaid. Regular medicaid which is income based (and very low in Maryland - at $1000 a month my MIL did not qualify) and long term care medicaid. Its not about your kids abandoning them. Actually you fair better with a family member involved due to all the paperwork.