If you are in your late thirties or older and ttc: envy?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think it is related to age because many of the people I'm talking about are bragging precisely because everyone around told them it would be so hard to get pregnant at their age and it wasn't for them. You know how people can be about older women who focused on building their careers for a long time. So now they're all, haha, joke's on you.

On the one hand, I envy and admire them. I just wish I could be in the same group. I'm in the 95% it IS hard for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it is related to age because many of the people I'm talking about are bragging precisely because everyone around told them it would be so hard to get pregnant at their age and it wasn't for them. You know how people can be about older women who focused on building their careers for a long time. So now they're all, haha, joke's on you.

On the one hand, I envy and admire them. I just wish I could be in the same group. I'm in the 95% it IS hard for.

I don't think it's hard for 95% of 38 year olds to get pregnant on their own. It probably just feels like that because you're in the percentage it's hard for. I know. Been there.

Anyone who is bragging about getting pregnant easily in late 30s to another woman in their late 30s (who for all they know, may also be trying to get pregnant) is a pretty big dolt and clueless. So now they've shown you who they are. You can maybe envy their fertility, but not their personality.

[Anonymous]

I was envious, TTC-ing for 4 years and during most of our IVF. After our first IVF attempt failed, I read a post in an IVF forum that really helped. The poster wrote that she eventually realized that pregnancy isn't a zero-sum game; just because someone else got pregnant didn't mean that there wouldn't be a baby for me at some point. That helped me put things in perspective and be in a more positive place during our second attempt. Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it is related to age because many of the people I'm talking about are bragging precisely because everyone around told them it would be so hard to get pregnant at their age and it wasn't for them. You know how people can be about older women who focused on building their careers for a long time. So now they're all, haha, joke's on you.

On the one hand, I envy and admire them. I just wish I could be in the same group. I'm in the 95% it IS hard for.

I don't think it's hard for 95% of 38 year olds to get pregnant on their own. It probably just feels like that because you're in the percentage it's hard for. I know. Been there.

Anyone who is bragging about getting pregnant easily in late 30s to another woman in their late 30s (who for all they know, may also be trying to get pregnant) is a pretty big dolt and clueless. So now they've shown you who they are. You can maybe envy their fertility, but not their personality.

+1 to the second PP. There are several large studies showing that about 80% of women in that age group will get pregnant on their own within a year of trying. So, most of them. But those whom would brag about it-something over which they have no control-are obtuse beyond belief.

[Anonymous]

Oh lord. The "omg! can you believe I got pregnant naturally!" types... Ugh.

I am experiencing secondary infertility ... been trying 3+ years now, miscarriages, ivf, the works like so many on this forum. Two of my son's friends had their children after age 40; one at 43, the other 44. They are insufferable. But, to be honest, beyond the constant fertility reminders they are not my type anyway. They know about 2 of my miscarriages and just.won't.stop. with their 'advice'.

I am happy they have their sweet children, truly. But I don't need to hear about their 'shocking' fertility from them -- five years after they've each given birth!

Guess I needed to vent...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh lord. The "omg! can you believe I got pregnant naturally!" types... Ugh.

I am experiencing secondary infertility ... been trying 3+ years now, miscarriages, ivf, the works like so many on this forum. Two of my son's friends had their children after age 40; one at 43, the other 44. They are insufferable. But, to be honest, beyond the constant fertility reminders they are not my type anyway. They know about 2 of my miscarriages and just.won't.stop. with their 'advice'.

I am happy they have their sweet children, truly. But I don't need to hear about their 'shocking' fertility from them -- five years after they've each given birth!

Guess I needed to vent...

My son's friends were born to mothers in their 40s. Just reread my comment; his friends didn't give birth!

[Anonymous]

It never ends with these types. Next they'll be bragging about how "advanced" their easily-conceived children are. Problem is, it's like 90% of people seem to be this way. Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Unless you KNOW they know about your personal struggles, don't assume they are "dolts"/insensitive/malicious. They're just carried away with happiness. We all say things without thinking that may be sensitive for other people. It's not personal...and them sharing their good news and being excited really isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you KNOW they know about your personal struggles, don't assume they are "dolts"/insensitive/malicious. They're just carried away with happiness. We all say things without thinking that may be sensitive for other people. It's not personal...and them sharing their good news and being excited really isn't about you.

+1. OP I know it's tough (I'm the same boat as you) but you can't take it personally. I'm personally am rarely jealous although I do feel sad sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you KNOW they know about your personal struggles, don't assume they are "dolts"/insensitive/malicious. They're just carried away with happiness. We all say things without thinking that may be sensitive for other people. It's not personal...and them sharing their good news and being excited really isn't about you.

Disagree. Unless a married childless woman in her thirties is blatantly child-free, it's fairly safe to assume something prevents her from building a family. It doesn't matter whether it's infertility, finances, or something else. A little more tact when it comes to sensitive areas of human life is always welcome.

[Anonymous]

People are just clueless. It sucks. I "grew apart" from different friends throughout my 30s as they had kids. I had a stillbirth end of a pregnancy mid/late 30s - could never have kids on my own due to underlying health problems -- and people STILL people talk about how easily they got pregnant & had kids in their 40s around me. The only thing I tell myself is 'it's not about you' - they are telling the story to reassure themselves about their own life situation and choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are just clueless. It sucks. I "grew apart" from different friends throughout my 30s as they had kids. I had a stillbirth end of a pregnancy mid/late 30s - could never have kids on my own due to underlying health problems -- and people STILL people talk about how easily they got pregnant & had kids in their 40s around me. The only thing I tell myself is 'it's not about you' - they are telling the story to reassure themselves about their own life situation and choices.

+1. I know this isn't the same as infertility but I have an autistic son. Everyone who knows us is aware of this. However, that doesn't stop people from bragging about their children's successes to me, things my son will never do. It burns and I can't see how people wouldn't understand that, but they obviously don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you KNOW they know about your personal struggles, don't assume they are "dolts"/insensitive/malicious. They're just carried away with happiness. We all say things without thinking that may be sensitive for other people. It's not personal...and them sharing their good news and being excited really isn't about you.

Disagree. Unless a married childless woman in her thirties is blatantly child-free, it's fairly safe to assume something prevents her from building a family. It doesn't matter whether it's infertility, finances, or something else. A little more tact when it comes to sensitive areas of human life is always welcome.

Amen to this.