If you are in your late thirties or older and ttc: envy?

[Anonymous]

We're having a hard time getting pregnant and we expected that. I'm 38, about to turn 39, and we're doing our second round of ivf. Meanwhile, we have had a few friends and colleagues get pregnant seemingly on their first try at the same age and older. Some like to brag about how quickly they got pregnant. I know it's a crap shoot and a few people just get lucky. But how do you deal with the envy?

[Anonymous]

We are 2.5 years in to this and it's really hard to see people get pregnant so easily while our struggle seems never ending. Honestly, I sometimes take a break from people. I don't tell them, but I just talk to them a little bit less and see them a little bit less. Maybe they notice and maybe they don't...but it's what I need. In my own time, when I'm feeling okay I can go back to meeting them for dinner, lunch, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Envy related to ttc is not really tied to age. Struggling at any age, when your peers aren't, is hard.

[Anonymous]

Also people can be envious of lots of things -- your marriage, your job, your house, your money, your looks.

[Anonymous]

Join an online group like fertility friend where others are struggling as well and can offer you support. You'd be surprised at how happy you become when friends from your support group get pregnant. Seriously. It reminds you each time that your day might just come and you go from focusing on woe is me to cheering on your new group of friends one by one. Life ling friendships actually can be formed through these support groups. It is truly life changing!

[Anonymous]

I dealt with the same thing at age 30.

[Anonymous]

Don't believe the braggarts necessarily, especially those with fraternal twins.

[Anonymous]

I had this issue when I was TTC at 32. Real friends don't brag. Insensitive clueless people say stupid things and you just have to learn to ignore them. I'm always open and honest about our struggles to anyone so people know it's a real issue and if it helps anyone else. Jealousy is hard but a wasted emotion and steals the last positive strength from you so try not to give into it.
Hugs and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Not envious. I was envious when some of my classmates met and married their spouses many years before I did. However, now that I'm married I realize marriage is not a panacea for happiness. I'm glad I'm married to my spouse but could be happy without him. Same with having children I assume. I also enjoy our luxury vacations, clean home, fun lifestyle and my girlish figure. I assume all of these will take a hit when and if we get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not envious. I was envious when some of my classmates met and married their spouses many years before I did. However, now that I'm married I realize marriage is not a panacea for happiness. I'm glad I'm married to my spouse but could be happy without him. Same with having children I assume. I also enjoy our luxury vacations, clean home, fun lifestyle and my girlish figure. I assume all of these will take a hit when and if we get pregnant.

Same here. It has made me appreciate my really wonderful life so much more. I took it for granted before.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call this envy. Rather disappointment at something that is supposed to happen effortlessly and does for most people. I second the support group suggestion--you may want to shield yourself from pregnant friends for a while. You are in different places emotionally, no reason to tear yourself up about this. I would guess it is not easy for a pregnant woman to relate to a friend who is struggling either. Too many emotions, too many eggshells to walk on. It's natural to drift apart.

[Anonymous]

I get twinges of jealousy from time to time about this, but then I remind myself that maybe other parts of that person's life aren't so great, and maybe this is their "break". Maybe I'll be lucky in other ways (or maybe I already am). And I usually take what most people say with a grain of salt unless it's a close friend or close family member. A lot of people like to embellish for attention, or gloss over details to make things seem better than they are so that others will be impressed or jealous. Or maybe they don't want to talk about the ugly truth and it's easier to make it sound like they conceived easily. You just never know. No use in wasting energy being envious in such situations.

[Anonymous]

I went through 9 rounds of IVF with my own eggs and donor eggs. We finally gave up and are on to adoption. I am now 47 (IVF was 42-44). Last year at Christmastime a friend from HS announced her pregnancy at 46. She is over in London but has made it seem like she got pregnant the old fashioned way. This is her first pregnancy and child. Her son is 6 months old now. She is a yoga instructor and is always talking about her healthy diet, cutting out this or that, etc. She also traveled to a mutual friend's wedding very early in the pregnancy, like even before she knew she was pregnant. Had she done IVF I doubt she would have been traveling to the States. (Just some evidence of the possibility that she isn't lying about getting pregnant the old fashioned way)

I was over the top envious and sad. No other pregnancy bothered me because all the women I saw were younger than I was at the time. Had I seen tons of over 40 women pregnant the old fashioned way, I think I would have been much more of a basket case during IVF.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am going through this right now. At 36 I got pregnant after 2 months of trying with our now 2 year old daughter. Super easy pregnancy and delivery. Now we've been trying for 10 months to get pregnant with #2, and it ain't working. I got Day 3 bloodwork and the initial infertility workup only to be diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and undetectable levels of AMH. Basically I have few eggs left and they're probably all bad. I can't believe this is happening given that I just gave birth 2 years ago.

Anyhow, I see pregnant moms all the time in our preschool class. I do feel envious. We really want a second child and I am hoping that we will get pregnant naturally, but if not we will try another few months naturally and then move on to donor egg. I don't want to waste time and do lots of medications only to have failed cycles with traditional IVF when my eggs are this bad. So I am completely open to donor egg and we will move right to donor egg.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I knew that not being able to have kids or needing a lot of ART rounds was a possibility when we were planning life events and postponing having children. We are facing results of our own decisions which we knew all along could happen. I am very much OK trying DE, surrogacy or adoption if all else fails.

Having said that I only go to showers and children's birthday parties for close friends, to everyone else I send a gift and skip the party. Not because I am envious, but because I don't have much in common with the mommies crowd at this point and have better things to do with my time.