My mother wont' speak to me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her way too much control. Who is she to say that you guys can talk about grandkids, but nothing else? If she's not speaking to you, don't give her the satisfaction of grandkid updates. She either wants to be in your life, or she doesn't. Don't let her pick and choose.

This. Leave a voice mail:

"Mom, I've told you that I wasn't having an affair with anyone, let alone Bill, who is gay. It hurts that you refuse to listen to me and that you don't want me to talk to you anymore, but I will respect your wishes. My door is open: Let me know when you are willing to talk again."

Then stop contacting her. No calls, no emails, no letters. Not about anything, not about the kids, nothing. She's playing an awful tune; stop dancing.

Op here: I like this idea. I'm going to do it. Why should I keep her up to date with her grandkids if she doesn't even care to talk to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her way too much control. Who is she to say that you guys can talk about grandkids, but nothing else? If she's not speaking to you, don't give her the satisfaction of grandkid updates. She either wants to be in your life, or she doesn't. Don't let her pick and choose.

This. Leave a voice mail:

"Mom, I've told you that I wasn't having an affair with anyone, let alone Bill, who is gay. It hurts that you refuse to listen to me and that you don't want me to talk to you anymore, but I will respect your wishes. My door is open: Let me know when you are willing to talk again."

Then stop contacting her. No calls, no emails, no letters. Not about anything, not about the kids, nothing. She's playing an awful tune; stop dancing.

Op here: I like this idea. I'm going to do it. Why should I keep her up to date with her grandkids if she doesn't even care to talk to me.

Good for you, OP! I know you might feel guilty that she won't be in touch with your kids, but that's HER decision. It is a consequence of HER behavior. It has nothing to do with you or your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

1. Your mother has always been unforgiving and punitive.
2. She doesn't talk to your sister.
3. Now you're surprised that she's doing it to you?

You need to accept that it had to happen at some point, and the reason it hasn't happened before is that you did your best to placate her at every turn. What kind of eggshell life is that? Now you are in a situation where you had to take care of your kids and yourself first, and your mother has done the inevitable.

Stop reaching out. Have a little self-respect and dignity. She doesn't deserve your attention, and probably never did.

+1 to this. This is not about you, it's about your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her way too much control. Who is she to say that you guys can talk about grandkids, but nothing else? If she's not speaking to you, don't give her the satisfaction of grandkid updates. She either wants to be in your life, or she doesn't. Don't let her pick and choose.

This. Leave a voice mail:

"Mom, I've told you that I wasn't having an affair with anyone, let alone Bill, who is gay. It hurts that you refuse to listen to me and that you don't want me to talk to you anymore, but I will respect your wishes. My door is open: Let me know when you are willing to talk again."

Then stop contacting her. No calls, no emails, no letters. Not about anything, not about the kids, nothing. She's playing an awful tune; stop dancing.

Op here: I like this idea. I'm going to do it. Why should I keep her up to date with her grandkids if she doesn't even care to talk to me.

Good for you, OP! I know you might feel guilty that she won't be in touch with your kids, but that's HER decision. It is a consequence of HER behavior. It has nothing to do with you or your kids.

Op here: Yes, I feel badly that she is choosing to not be in my life...and thus not be in her grandkids lives...and is blaming me for it. I just can't carry this around on my back. I wake up thinking about her, wondering if today is the day she will call me, email me back...I go to bed thinking the same thing. It's just sad. But I feel like this helped a "light bulb" go off....this is her choice. I just need to keep repeating that over and over.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, repeat that over and over. Your mom, sorry to say, sounds like she manipulates people. You grew up with this kind of behavior and think it is normal but it's not. Don't let your family get away with behavior that you would never accept from other people. Do not tell "white lies" to placate her.

For God's sake, even if you *DID* have an affair, she would cut off her own daughter over that? It's insanity. Her not believing you is insanity. I suspect you have dealt with so much from her you have lost sight of what is normal and what is not. This is so totally not normal. I think a voice mail to that effect is a good idea. Do not let her "blame" you for her own insane actions.

I hope you continue your relationship to your father, though. Just because your mom is acting like a crazy person doesn't mean that he should be isolated from you and his grandkids. Where is he in this whole thing?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. My mother is the same way. I know it hurts. I am so sorry. I do agree that this is about control.
Make your point known, be aware of what you have control over and let go until she makes a move. I'd go
to counseling too, you need a sane perspective through this abuse.

[Anonymous]

She sounds awful. Enjoy the peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

Just want to support cutting her out until she behaves. Otherwise it is only a matter of time before she pulls this shit with your kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree that mom has dug her own hole for herself here, but OP, there's one aspect you don't really get into -- you say in the post that she has "befriended" your ex and has him over to dinner (which makes it sound like more than once). How does HE react? Do you know if she spends these dinners harping on your "friendship" and her assumptions, or maybe being sickly sweet with your ex out of some kind of weird pity based on...nothing that happened?

It's easy for us on DCUM to say, she gets no more grandkid updates from you if she acts this way toward you, but she might be cultivating your ex in order to get her grandkid updates from him. That means she'll have less incentive to come around in her thinking about your friend and you. Just something to consider.

If you and your ex have a decent relationship, clue him in on all this if he isn't already aware of what mom's assuming and why mom -- surely the ex knows she supported the divorce?! -- is suddenly so very nice to him after the fact. It sounds as if she is using your ex, frankly, both to get your goat by having him over, and to keep up with the grandkids. I do wonder if the ex realizes she might be playing him just to get at you.

Why does he accept her invitations anyway?

[Anonymous]

I think when you've been manipulated your whole life, it's hard to see the pattern. I'm glad that some of the comments here have made a "lightbulb" go off, but I also agree with the person who suggested some counseling. I think it will be very difficult to navigate this time and having an unbiased person to talk to could really help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when you've been manipulated your whole life, it's hard to see the pattern. I'm glad that some of the comments here have made a "lightbulb" go off, but I also agree with the person who suggested some counseling. I think it will be very difficult to navigate this time and having an unbiased person to talk to could really help.

+1

[Anonymous]

+2
You probably need some new skills and it's more than you're going to be able to pick up on the fly from an anonymous internet board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, repeat that over and over. Your mom, sorry to say, sounds like she manipulates people. You grew up with this kind of behavior and think it is normal but it's not. Don't let your family get away with behavior that you would never accept from other people. Do not tell "white lies" to placate her.

For God's sake, even if you *DID* have an affair, she would cut off her own daughter over that? It's insanity. Her not believing you is insanity. I suspect you have dealt with so much from her you have lost sight of what is normal and what is not. This is so totally not normal. I think a voice mail to that effect is a good idea. Do not let her "blame" you for her own insane actions.

I hope you continue your relationship to your father, though. Just because your mom is acting like a crazy person doesn't mean that he should be isolated from you and his grandkids. Where is he in this whole thing?

Op here: During this whole thing my dad has done his best. He texts, calls me every single day (just like always...) he comes to the kids sporting events, usually without her...but when she does attend with him, she leaves without a word while he is hugging us all good bye... Thank GOD for my dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that mom has dug her own hole for herself here, but OP, there's one aspect you don't really get into -- you say in the post that she has "befriended" your ex and has him over to dinner (which makes it sound like more than once). How does HE react? Do you know if she spends these dinners harping on your "friendship" and her assumptions, or maybe being sickly sweet with your ex out of some kind of weird pity based on...nothing that happened?

It's easy for us on DCUM to say, she gets no more grandkid updates from you if she acts this way toward you, but she might be cultivating your ex in order to get her grandkid updates from him. That means she'll have less incentive to come around in her thinking about your friend and you. Just something to consider.

If you and your ex have a decent relationship, clue him in on all this if he isn't already aware of what mom's assuming and why mom -- surely the ex knows she supported the divorce?! -- is suddenly so very nice to him after the fact. It sounds as if she is using your ex, frankly, both to get your goat by having him over, and to keep up with the grandkids. I do wonder if the ex realizes she might be playing him just to get at you.

Why does he accept her invitations anyway?

Op here: I recently had a similar conversation with my ex. He picked up on it after the 3rd dinner....and has since declined any other invitations to dinner...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, repeat that over and over. Your mom, sorry to say, sounds like she manipulates people. You grew up with this kind of behavior and think it is normal but it's not. Don't let your family get away with behavior that you would never accept from other people. Do not tell "white lies" to placate her.

For God's sake, even if you *DID* have an affair, she would cut off her own daughter over that? It's insanity. Her not believing you is insanity. I suspect you have dealt with so much from her you have lost sight of what is normal and what is not. This is so totally not normal. I think a voice mail to that effect is a good idea. Do not let her "blame" you for her own insane actions.

I hope you continue your relationship to your father, though. Just because your mom is acting like a crazy person doesn't mean that he should be isolated from you and his grandkids. Where is he in this whole thing?

Op here: During this whole thing my dad has done his best. He texts, calls me every single day (just like always...) he comes to the kids sporting events, usually without her...but when she does attend with him, she leaves without a word while he is hugging us all good bye... Thank GOD for my dad!

I'm glad you're close with your dad, and that he is connected to your kids as well, but please consider that talking with your dad/parents EVERY DAY is pretty unusual. You may need to learn to stand on your own a bit more and be an adult who doesn't rely/worry quite so much about her relationship with her parents. I think frequent contact is fine, but once a week is more typical for adult parental contact than once a day. As others have suggested, you might find therapy helpful. This sounds a little co-dependent, and the whole deal with you being so worried about what your mom thinks about you/her behavior keeping you up at night is also a bit extreme, IMO.