My mother wont' speak to me...

[Anonymous]

My ex and I had been on the "outs" for years, we separated in Oct 14. Our divorce was final June 15. My parents complained about my ex being lazy and unhelpful to me with the house, kids etc.. for the last 10 years of my marriage. They fully supported the divorce. Well, when we separated, a male friend of my took a bigger role in my life - simply because I needed help with the house. (I bought my ex out of the house). My male friend is single, no kids- has lots of spare time. He will come over and mow the lawn, handle small repairs at the house, even make dinner! He is wonderful. He's been my friend for over 5 years. It is JUST a friendship. He is GAY. My mother is assuming that I got divorced because of him, had an affair with him and she simply will not let me know explain to her that NOTHING IS GOING ON. NOTHING WILL GO ON. HE IS GAY. She has so much anger, she just will not speak to me. Except to say. I don't agree with your life choices, don't talk to me. I will only talk to you about my grandkids, nothing else. She has also now befriended my ex husband and invites him over for dinner. I typed up a email to her explaining the situation, and that my friend is gay and is not a romantic friend, never has been, never will be. She never responded. I call her, she screens her calls and has never once answered the phone when I call. My mother is very "old school". She doesn't understand that there are many walks of people in this world and that a man and woman can just be friends. I don't know what else to do. She is 71, and I hate what has happened to us. I'm sad and angry at her at the same time. Should I just not be friends with him? He has been my biggest help/support. I would miss him terribly, and I don't think that ending the friendship will change my mother.... Any advice is welcome.

[Anonymous]

Is she upset that you have a Gay friend?
Upset that you divorced?

are you on sufficient terms with ex that he might be able to run interference for you?

maybe she needs time to work through it,

that's all I've got

[Anonymous]

I used to try to mollify my mom when she gave me the silent treatment. Has his happened before? If this is just how she rolls, I suggest you let her stay silent and just occasionally reach out to her. If she doesn't pick up, fine. I loathe the silent treatment and the fact that my mom used to use it (even when I was a kid!). She doesn't now because once I was married, I stopped trying to desperately win her back when she went silent. She eventually reached out to me. It took a year!

You have enough to deal with. Let your mom sort out her feelings but stay open to being close again.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I had been on the "outs" for years, we separated in Oct 14. Our divorce was final June 15. My parents complained about my ex being lazy and unhelpful to me with the house, kids etc.. for the last 10 years of my marriage. They fully supported the divorce. Well, when we separated, a male friend of my took a bigger role in my life - simply because I needed help with the house. (I bought my ex out of the house). My male friend is single, no kids- has lots of spare time. He will come over and mow the lawn, handle small repairs at the house, even make dinner! He is wonderful. He's been my friend for over 5 years. It is JUST a friendship. He is GAY. My mother is assuming that I got divorced because of him, had an affair with him and she simply will not let me know explain to her that NOTHING IS GOING ON. NOTHING WILL GO ON. HE IS GAY. She has so much anger, she just will not speak to me. Except to say. I don't agree with your life choices, don't talk to me. I will only talk to you about my grandkids, nothing else. She has also now befriended my ex husband and invites him over for dinner. I typed up a email to her explaining the situation, and that my friend is gay and is not a romantic friend, never has been, never will be. She never responded. I call her, she screens her calls and has never once answered the phone when I call. My mother is very "old school". She doesn't understand that there are many walks of people in this world and that a man and woman can just be friends. I don't know what else to do. She is 71, and I hate what has happened to us. I'm sad and angry at her at the same time. Should I just not be friends with him? He has been my biggest help/support. I would miss him terribly, and I don't think that ending the friendship will change my mother.... Any advice is welcome.

Let it go. She'll calm down eventually or she won't. She's being very foolish. Don't give up a good friend because of your angry, controlling mother.

[Anonymous]

I'd send her a set of "Will & Grace" dvd's for Christmas, and then let it go. You've already explained yourself, I don't see what more you can say that could change her mind. Let her know your door is open, then "drop the rope".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to try to mollify my mom when she gave me the silent treatment. Has his happened before? If this is just how she rolls, I suggest you let her stay silent and just occasionally reach out to her. If she doesn't pick up, fine. I loathe the silent treatment and the fact that my mom used to use it (even when I was a kid!). She doesn't now because once I was married, I stopped trying to desperately win her back when she went silent. She eventually reached out to me. It took a year!

You have enough to deal with. Let your mom sort out her feelings but stay open to being close again.

Good luck.

OP her, yes, she is very stubborn, she does not apologize, she does not forgive, she does not compromise. But she's my mom. She went thru a time where she didn't talk to my sister for a year...and she still really doesn't. My mom and I have always been close, it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she upset that you have a Gay friend?
Upset that you divorced?

are you on sufficient terms with ex that he might be able to run interference for you?

maybe she needs time to work through it,

that's all I've got

Op here: If she read my email she knows he's gay, if she hasn't read it...then she doesn't know. She was never upset about the divorce until it was finalized....Yes and no on the Ex.... Sounds like I just keep giving her time. Christmas will be unbelievably awkward!

[Anonymous]

You are giving her way too much control. Who is she to say that you guys can talk about grandkids, but nothing else? If she's not speaking to you, don't give her the satisfaction of grandkid updates. She either wants to be in your life, or she doesn't. Don't let her pick and choose.

[Anonymous]

So she complains and complains about dh and you divorce him, which she supports, then she turns on you and aligns with said ex-dh. That's really screwed up. Now the silent treatment supposedly because of your "affair" with your gay friend.

I wonder if complaining about ex-dh was her thing (she could harp on it endlessly and it's a way of putting you down), and in her eyes that kept you in your place. Now you're on to greener pastures and what can she lord over you? The friend! How perfect! Either you're having an affair which she disapproves of or he's gay, which she also disapproves of. Win/win.

Go on with your life and ignore your mom as much as you can. Your sacrifices in that relationship are not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her way too much control. Who is she to say that you guys can talk about grandkids, but nothing else? If she's not speaking to you, don't give her the satisfaction of grandkid updates. She either wants to be in your life, or she doesn't. Don't let her pick and choose.

This. Leave a voice mail:

"Mom, I've told you that I wasn't having an affair with anyone, let alone Bill, who is gay. It hurts that you refuse to listen to me and that you don't want me to talk to you anymore, but I will respect your wishes. My door is open: Let me know when you are willing to talk again."

Then stop contacting her. No calls, no emails, no letters. Not about anything, not about the kids, nothing. She's playing an awful tune; stop dancing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are giving her way too much control. Who is she to say that you guys can talk about grandkids, but nothing else? If she's not speaking to you, don't give her the satisfaction of grandkid updates. She either wants to be in your life, or she doesn't. Don't let her pick and choose.

This. Leave a voice mail:

"Mom, I've told you that I wasn't having an affair with anyone, let alone Bill, who is gay. It hurts that you refuse to listen to me and that you don't want me to talk to you anymore, but I will respect your wishes. My door is open: Let me know when you are willing to talk again."

Then stop contacting her. No calls, no emails, no letters. Not about anything, not about the kids, nothing. She's playing an awful tune; stop dancing.

+1 to both of these PPs. Your mom doesn't get to unilaterally set the terms of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Do you and your mom live in the same city? Surely she doesn't just pop up at our house unannounced. Why not just tell her you're not his friend anymore? I'd just say whatever to appease her and still keep my friendship with him. It sounds like your relationship with your mother is very important to you and you want to maintain it. It's none of her business who your friends are anyways. If she ask you who takes care of the yard, just say you hired someone. It's a white lie that I think is justified at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP,

1. Your mother has always been unforgiving and punitive.
2. She doesn't talk to your sister.
3. Now you're surprised that she's doing it to you?

You need to accept that it had to happen at some point, and the reason it hasn't happened before is that you did your best to placate her at every turn. What kind of eggshell life is that? Now you are in a situation where you had to take care of your kids and yourself first, and your mother has done the inevitable.

Stop reaching out. Have a little self-respect and dignity. She doesn't deserve your attention, and probably never did.

[Anonymous]

Meant to add: she doesn't deserve to see or hear about her grandkids if she can't treat you with the respect you deserve.
And if she refuses to apologize and listen to you, too bad for her: your children will definitely not have missed anything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you and your mom live in the same city? Surely she doesn't just pop up at our house unannounced. Why not just tell her you're not his friend anymore? I'd just say whatever to appease her and still keep my friendship with him. It sounds like your relationship with your mother is very important to you and you want to maintain it. It's none of her business who your friends are anyways. If she ask you who takes care of the yard, just say you hired someone. It's a white lie that I think is justified at this point.

OP here: She lives about 30 minutes away....I feel like at this point, even if I drop the friend, nothing will change between us...