ADHD/anxious kid constantly needs me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think so. He was diagnosed pretty young. We worked with a behavioral therapist a lot. It's not a case of him getting what he wants by whining enough. He literally gets stuck and fixated on things and cannot get off of it. Reward plans never work because he gets hyper focused on the reward and if he doesn't get it bc he didn't earn it he tantrums.

This is more than just anxiety. Getting stuck/fixated on things can be caused by anxiety (especially instrusive thoughts) but the tantrums when he doesn't get want he wants are not. I know it can be really hard sometimes to distinguish between anxiety and 'something else' and sometimes they're intertwined but you need to identify what that 'something else' is. If he tantrums, ignore it. It's behavioral/emotional dysregulation and appears to be working well for him. If it's disruptive to others/prolonged, put him somewhere else to do it (we used our screened porch a lot). We also utilized the rebounder/mini trampoline a lot and body sock.

To give yourself some time and establish appropriate boundaries, get a timer like the PP that suggested a timer. Start small - like he is not to disturb you for 5 minutes. If he does before the 5 minutes is up, it restarts. I know it's not easy so I'd suggest you start it on a weekend when you don't have somewhere to be and can devote time to it. Be sure to e. Sort of like potty training Be sure to explain to him what you're doing and what he should expect. Good luck.

I agree. Every time you give in to his demands when he throws a fit only reinforces this behavior.

I also have an 8 yr old who sticks to me like glue when we are at home. Guess I am like his security blanket but he does not throw tantrums because he knows that will NEVER work in getting him whatever... In fact, it will results in losing privileges.

[Anonymous]

Behavior point chart
Zoloft
Focalin

1 year of weekly therapy followed by 6 months of maintenance therapy and home therapy.

It worked. Things are better.

[Anonymous]

Op With him it's so biological. Yes we worked with a behavioral therapist for many years. Sometimes it worked to not give him attention. I have learned not to reward bad behavior with whatever it is that he wants. But he is still stuck on certain things. This is exactly why it is so frustrating with him. I would understand if his tactics have worked in the past to get what he wants. Our behavioral therapist felt he is enjoying or getting something out of the negative interaction.

[Anonymous]

I know you have tried rewarding positive behavior but have you tried it so that the goal is always attainable?

This is the reward system that works best for DS because he is a perfectionist and freaks out if he does not earn 110% and does not get the reward.

You start off so that any positive behavior is rewarded and then slowly raise the goal posts, slowly enough so that he is able to meet it. Success feeds on success.

Then after the behaviors are manageable, you put in things like more risk taking and that it is not the end of the world if you don't always get 100%.

But I understand where you are coming from bc I was like your son as a child and have ADHD. I grew out of the constant tantrums around 6/7 grade. I look back on it and feel sorry for my parents and especially sibs but we have a very close loving relationship now.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP- I'm going to agree with folks who suggest a positive reward system for this type of behavior. We experience some version of it in our house, and the only effective method of reducing or breaking bad habits is a reward system.

Also agree that the rewards should be attainable, focused on only one thing at a time (e.g. Getting dressed independently), and the reward should be desirable and immediate.

Punishments won't work well because your child sounds controlling and oppositional (as you say, probably caused by his diagnosis). In fact, with your son's desire to control situations, I would expect a serious escalation of behavior if you went down the punishment road.

In commiseration, my son (nine) completely melted down yesterday because DH and I refused to help him put on is socks. It was both intentional and an anxiety response to distract us from the fact that he took 45 minutes to get dressed. You are not alone. In many respects, I am still parenting a five year old, even though my DS is in the third grade.

[Anonymous]

Pandas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Behavior point chart
Zoloft
Focalin

1 year of weekly therapy followed by 6 months of maintenance therapy and home therapy.

It worked. Things are better.

This is exactly what we did as well. Changed our lives. I didn't even realize how hard things were. It's very hard not to want to give in when your child is experiencing pure panic. For us, Zoloft reduced the panic enough that we were able to work on the behaviors through therapy.

[Anonymous]

Lots of sympathy, Op. Despite kazdin and much money spent on behavioral reward system, we see very little benefit from any of that. There is simply no reward he wants as much as he wants to do whatever he wants at that moment. It's like trying to use a reward system with a one year old.
We have had better luck with discussing behavior in a calm time (like before the party having a dialogue about party behavior, rules, how we'll know when the party is almost over, what we do when it's time to leave, etc...), and ma the be even writing things out (at 4, we will put books away and get ready to go to grandma's, etc.). Also trying to build up his self image as someone who is capable and responsible. Sometimes that is enough to help boost him over the edge.

[Anonymous]

DS 8 is so much more needy than either of my other younger kids (5 and infant). He does not take care of anything by himself- getting dressed, taking cereal in the morning, tying this shoes, anything. Not even playing by himself. He won't even go downstairs and watch tv unless someone is with him. He yells and whines until you come with him. So basically I don't have a second to myself. It is very rare that I find him sitting and reading or doing anything alone. Right now I put the baby down to a nap and needed a few minutes to get dressed and tidy up after breakfast. Instead he is screaming across the house that I need to come down "right now" to play basketball with him in the basement.

From this post and your others, it doesn't sound like you and your DH are 'managing' him. You talk about this behavior as being 'biological' but there is a huge 'behavioral' component to it. Yes, I know you've worked with a behaviorist but from your posts, you've either not learned what to do or you've done it inconsistently (which is worse).

Although you say that you don't give in to his tantrums, you say "he yells and whines until you come with him". If you NEVER responded to his tantrums and screaming, he wouldn't do it any more. And by 'respond', I mean that you not only don't give him what he demands but that you don't have an emotional response to him. His behaviorist says he gets something out of these interactions? Stop responding. He won't go downstairs to watch TV by himself, then he doesn't get to watch TV. Don't allow him any screen time upstairs. It's not punitive, it's a logical consequence. Let him yell and scream.

You say your DS can't take care of getting dressed by himself. Is that because he is not capable or because he wants you to do it? I will assume he's capable because it would be unreasonable to expect him to do something he needs assistance with. (My youngest is 10 yo and still can't tie shoes or fasten pants. He uses Lock Laces and wears pants with elastic waistbands.) If he refuses to get dressed in the morning, set the timer for 5 minutes and tell him that at the end of that time you will put his clothes in his backpack and he can get dressed at school. Then do it. Send him to school in his PJs. He won't eat in the morning? Put breakfast on the table, tell him he has 10 minutes to eat and whatever he hasn't eaten will be thrown out. Going to school hungry one day won't hurt him.

I get that this is hard and it takes time to change behavior but you don't have to live like you're living. Get a new behaviorist/therapist and practice what you're taught.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have an anxious kid who has a very difficult time separating from me. She does not have ADHD and her anxiety is understandable in that she had many disruptions early in her life before she came to live with us. Agree with others who say that reward systems and punishments don't work with this. The need is so real and visceral that it's painful to watch. The way I deal with it is that I set limits - yes, you can be with me, but you have to come to me and if I am busy doing something quiet, like work, a phone call, etc., she needs to be quiet. I try to empower her to be successful away from me, but it's been a very long process to get her into an activity. She cried to separate for school all the way until she hit second grade. I send her to the same camp every single week in the summer because it's too hard on her to adjust to new places.

I have no advice - just support. Maybe you can figure out how to accept this as reality and figure out how to manage it by setting guidelines that make it easier for you.

[Anonymous]

I take for granted that your child is anxious. I know what it's like to live with an anxious kid. But many times there is a component to behavior that is learned and the anxiety has fallen by the wayside long ago. We are getting what we want, not what we need. If you don't go downstairs with your child, is your child truly going to have anxiety? Or is he simply not getting his own way?

I will always respond to anxiety on a therapeutic level. But giving in to a child's demands is different. The fact that a child is fixated on what he wants and difficult to talk down because he works himself into a tantrum is not a reason to give in.

[Anonymous]

I followed here from your other thread. Take a look at The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It's about parenting children who have problems with flexibility, low frustration tolerance, and poor problem solving abilities.

In our case, the right prescription also helped our 8yo w/ ADHD, ODD, and anxiety. He still has moments but the combined approach of improving our parenting and the right medication has been night and day different.