ADHD/anxious kid constantly needs me

[Anonymous]

DS 8 is so much more needy than either of my other younger kids (5 and infant). He does not take care of anything by himself- getting dressed, taking cereal in the morning, tying this shoes, anything. Not even playing by himself. He won't even go downstairs and watch tv unless someone is with him. He yells and whines until you come with him. So basically I don't have a second to myself. It is very rare that I find him sitting and reading or doing anything alone. Right now I put the baby down to a nap and needed a few minutes to get dressed and tidy up after breakfast. Instead he is screaming across the house that I need to come down "right now" to play basketball with him in the basement. The only exception is his iPad. I hate to see him on it all the time but it's literally my only break from him. He is on Ritalin. He definitely needs something for anxiety though- he is constantly yelling at everyone and holding the entire family hostage for his demands. We are looking for a good psychologist but I really don't know how that will help him. He's so rigid and controlling. It's miserable when he is at home.

[Anonymous]

I realize this is easier said than done, but distinguishing between wants and needs is important. Can you set a timer for ten minutes of time he spends alone? Two minutes? Five minutes? Do what you can and praise the hell out of whatever he is able to accomplish independently. If that's screen time, who cares?

[Anonymous]

I guess I need to take what I can get. I guess it's just disenheartening to realize that he is not getting more independent as he is getting older. I feel like he is capable of doing it but his anxiety is preventing him. I think he just wants to control everyone around him honestly.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure anxiety is the driver here? He may just have some bad habits.

[Anonymous]

I think so. He was diagnosed pretty young. We worked with a behavioral therapist a lot. It's not a case of him getting what he wants by whining enough. He literally gets stuck and fixated on things and cannot get off of it. Reward plans never work because he gets hyper focused on the reward and if he doesn't get it bc he didn't earn it he tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Kazdin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think so. He was diagnosed pretty young. We worked with a behavioral therapist a lot. It's not a case of him getting what he wants by whining enough. He literally gets stuck and fixated on things and cannot get off of it. Reward plans never work because he gets hyper focused on the reward and if he doesn't get it bc he didn't earn it he tantrums.

And what do you do when he tantrums?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think so. He was diagnosed pretty young. We worked with a behavioral therapist a lot. It's not a case of him getting what he wants by whining enough. He literally gets stuck and fixated on things and cannot get off of it. Reward plans never work because he gets hyper focused on the reward and if he doesn't get it bc he didn't earn it he tantrums.

This is more than just anxiety. Getting stuck/fixated on things can be caused by anxiety (especially instrusive thoughts) but the tantrums when he doesn't get want he wants are not. I know it can be really hard sometimes to distinguish between anxiety and 'something else' and sometimes they're intertwined but you need to identify what that 'something else' is. If he tantrums, ignore it. It's behavioral/emotional dysregulation and appears to be working well for him. If it's disruptive to others/prolonged, put him somewhere else to do it (we used our screened porch a lot). We also utilized the rebounder/mini trampoline a lot and body sock.

To give yourself some time and establish appropriate boundaries, get a timer like the PP that suggested a timer. Start small - like he is not to disturb you for 5 minutes. If he does before the 5 minutes is up, it restarts. I know it's not easy so I'd suggest you start it on a weekend when you don't have somewhere to be and can devote time to it. Be sure to e. Sort of like potty training Be sure to explain to him what you're doing and what he should expect. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

IME, that is par for the course with an SN child. They need more intensive parenting for longer periods of time than NT children. Some believe that raising a SN child requires a similar output to raising two NT children. IME, it is not quite 2x, but it is more than 1.5. Of course, it depends on the the stage, severity and type of SN.

[Anonymous]

Ours would get really angry and have tantrums when things didn't go his way. Meds made a difference - helped him filter things and able to react appropriately. It is like a trigger, he can't pause and think before he does things otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Please what meds worked? We are having sch a tough time finding it. I really can't live like this anymore. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. He's constantly yelling and demanding or crying

[Anonymous]

OP Why don't you think a psychologist would help?

Also, think about this logically for a minute. Your son demands your attention, you give it to him. He then continues to demand your attentipn. What would make you think that he is going to stop demanding your attention when you keep rewarding his demands?

If you won't get help for him, I suggest you get help for yourself. You can learn how to parent an anxious chlld, it is you that is feeding his anxiety (your intentions are loving and kind but they are rewarding his behavior and enforcing it), you need to learn how to set boundaries in a way that won't traumatize him but will help him learn how to rely on himself. It's for his own good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please what meds worked? We are having sch a tough time finding it. I really can't live like this anymore. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. He's constantly yelling and demanding or crying

I'm curious. Surely teachers do not put up with yelling and demanding constant attention. Which leads me to believe this is less anxiety driven and more a function of learned behavior. I really think at age 8 he must have some constraints on this behavior. Kandinsky is a good suggestion.

You know this is abusive behavior. You don't medicate abusive behavior. You stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please what meds worked? We are having sch a tough time finding it. I really can't live like this anymore. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. He's constantly yelling and demanding or crying

I'm curious. Surely teachers do not put up with yelling and demanding constant attention. Which leads me to believe this is less anxiety driven and more a function of learned behavior. I really think at age 8 he must have some constraints on this behavior. Kandinsky is a good suggestion.

You know this is abusive behavior. You don't medicate abusive behavior. You stop it.

Exactly. You said you had worked with a behavioralist. Did she not give you any guidance on how you should respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please what meds worked? We are having sch a tough time finding it. I really can't live like this anymore. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. He's constantly yelling and demanding or crying

I'm curious. Surely teachers do not put up with yelling and demanding constant attention. Which leads me to believe this is less anxiety driven and more a function of learned behavior. I really think at age 8 he must have some constraints on this behavior. Kandinsky is a good suggestion.

You know this is abusive behavior. You don't medicate abusive behavior. You stop it.

Kandinsky = Kazdin