The reality of the holidays...

[Anonymous]

Asking someone to just fly out for a day or two?

That is truly inconsiderate, OP.

And since it's just one of the many items on your list, I'll venture to guess that YOU are the troublemaker here.

Calm down. The perfect Christmas does not exist except in your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please give me something that will put me out for the next month and wake me up Dec. 26th. Let's see this is my holiday list....

Get in argument with sister over who is hosting Christmas eve- check
Am in a big feud with my brother who lives out of town who is now saying he is not coming for Christmas because his wife and her career are busy (when I said then just have her fly for a day or two and then leave when she has to, his response was that he would not ask to "inconvenience" her to do all that traveling after how hard she works. Um....it is Christmas, is that maybe just a little bit worth the "inconvenience"?
Argue with other family members about how to structure gifts for all the many cousins (setting a dollar amount we all agree on)- check
Argument today with mother over what day they will arrive for Thanksgiving, she has only told me FOUR times they are coming Wed. afternoon only to ask me again today if they should come Wed. OR Tues OR Thanksgiving day....argh!!!!!
Serious stress over a holiday party we have agreed to host and suddenly I am feeling very anxious about

And this is just Nov. 22nd! HELP. Where is the joy in the holidays? Can someone please remind me and someone please tell me I am not alone or else I have the most dysfunctional family Sorry had to vent!

chill out. Sounds like lots of the arguments are around you. Step back and be ok with everyone having their own needs and plans. Breathe and enjoy the holidays, however they unfold.

Are you a control freak? Be honest...

[Anonymous]

OP, during this planning, how often did you respond "sure, sounds good?"

Also, are these really arguments and feuds? Sometimes our family has day-long reply - all email fests trying to determine a date or time that's good for everyone. Sometimes there are disagreements about who's house will be best or whatever. But they don't escalate into arguments or feuds. Sure, I might sigh in exasperation to my husband about it, and it can get annoying. But for one, sometimes we can laugh it; but mostly, we just get through it and don't let it rule my daily life. Are you maybe exaggerating, or blowing things out of proportion?

And you do need to say "sure, I can do that," more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, during this planning, how often did you respond "sure, sounds good?"

Also, are these really arguments and feuds? Sometimes our family has day-long reply - all email fests trying to determine a date or time that's good for everyone. Sometimes there are disagreements about who's house will be best or whatever. But they don't escalate into arguments or feuds. Sure, I might sigh in exasperation to my husband about it, and it can get annoying. But for one, sometimes we can laugh it; but mostly, we just get through it and don't let it rule my daily life. Are you maybe exaggerating, or blowing things out of proportion?

And you do need to say "sure, I can do that," more often.

**I mean days-long email fests. Weeks sometimes ?

[Anonymous]

Um, it is Christmas. Maybe worth a little bit of decency to another human being whose life doesn't revolve around you?

You sound exhausting, high-maintenance, and petty. Here's a tip -- if people are willing to fight for the right not to visit you it's because you're unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please give me something that will put me out for the next month and wake me up Dec. 26th. Let's see this is my holiday list....

Get in argument with sister over who is hosting Christmas eve- check drop the rope and let her host.
Am in a big feud with my brother who lives out of town who is now saying he is not coming for Christmas because his wife and her career are busy (when I said then just have her fly for a day or two and then leave when she has to, his response was that he would not ask to "inconvenience" her to do all that traveling after how hard she works. Um....it is Christmas, is that maybe just a little bit worth the "inconvenience"? drop the rope and let them make their own decisions
Argue with other family members about how to structure gifts for all the many cousins (setting a dollar amount we all agree on)- check drop the rope and have them let you know what they decided.
Argument today with mother over what day they will arrive for Thanksgiving, she has only told me FOUR times they are coming Wed. afternoon only to ask me again today if they should come Wed. OR Tues OR Thanksgiving day....argh!!!!! when she asks when to come, just say Wednesday, no need to bring up the fact that it has been the day all along.
Serious stress over a holiday party we have agreed to host and suddenly I am feeling very anxious about get a party tray(s) from safeway or a ham from
honeybaked ham, bake a few cookies with your children, buy a few different cheeses and crackers the next time you are at eh grocery store and have your DH buy the booze. Hire someone to come in and clean your house the day of.

And this is just Nov. 22nd! HELP. Where is the joy in the holidays? Can someone please remind me and someone please tell me I am not alone or else I have the most dysfunctional family Sorry had to vent!

Now, put your tongue on the roof of your mouth, close your eyes and breath in slowly through your nose counting to 7. Hold it in for 7 and breath out through your mouth for 7, all the time keeping your tongue on the roof of your mouth. repeat. repeat. screen your calls and call back after you do this. Do not engage. let it ride over you.

[Anonymous]

You sound like the kind of family member who drives everyone else to drink, OP. I hate to use this overexposed DCUM phrase, but ... Unclench.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, back away from all of it. Make your plans and let others fit in where and how they can. Tell your mom to arrive X day, and let you know if she changes her mind.

They can't argue with you if you aren't participating.

I think that sounds like advice for her family, not for her. She seems to be the common factor in all these "fights." Her brother did make his plans and let her know he can't make it and she's pressuring him about it. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

* You might be on the side of angels with the Christmas Eve hosting. On the other hand since you seem to have so many problems with your extended family, you might not be.
* If your brother's wife's problems are preventing from ever seeing you/family, that might be problematic unless your family is more cult than family. But this? No. You don't know what's going on with your brother, his wife, or anything. Let this one go.
* Spend what you're comfortable on. If other cousins grouse about how you're a cheapskate, then spend nothing. Realize not everyone's going to be as rich as you (or as saddled with housing costs if you're in the DC area). Folks from out of town think we're made of money.
* Why are you letting your mother's arrival bother you? That's on her. Just tell her something along the lines of -- do what works for you, here's what works for you, you're welcome but if I can't host you (e.g. she comes on Tuesday) you're on your own.
* No one will remember this party badly unless something is seriously off (e.g. inviting 200 people and only feeding 40) or you get in a screaming match during the middle of it.

[Anonymous]

"Am in a big feud with my brother who lives out of town who is now saying he is not coming for Christmas because his wife and her career are busy (when I said then just have her fly for a day or two and then leave when she has to, his response was that he would not ask to "inconvenience" her to do all that traveling after how hard she works. Um....it is Christmas, is that maybe just a little bit worth the "inconvenience"? "


Seriously OP?! That's extremely selfish of you. Not all of us get to travel for Christmas. I posted in another thread recently about how I am a fed employee who has to work the day after Christmas even though I have lots of leave and would like to see my out of town family. Everyone told me what a slacker I was. Why the eff would your brother want to spend Christmas with you instead of with his family (his wife).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make your own dysfunction. Sorry, no sympathy.

One person cannot make an entire family dysfunctional. Sorry does not happen. Takes more than one my friend.

It only takes one person to choose to keep participating. OP its wrong to ask someone to to fly anywhere for day. You don't know whats going in their life. Maybe they decided also that your family is super dysfucntional and that they would much rather have a pleasent family holiday without insane relatives. They just made up the part about "too busy" as a way out. Good for them. You are not forced to host, attend anything. Grow up. For real. Sure it takes more than one person to make a dysfucitonal family but you are grown up. Spend the holidays with just your spouse and kids. I think 90% of suffering on the part of women is their inability to set boundaries or say no, then they want a ton of sympathy for being family martyrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, it is Christmas. Maybe worth a little bit of decency to another human being whose life doesn't revolve around you?

You sound exhausting, high-maintenance, and petty. Here's a tip -- if people are willing to fight for the right not to visit you it's because you're unpleasant.

THIS. somewhere on a another crazy parent board, your sister in law is venting about how high maitenance you are and how you demand that everyone do what you want. Of course you play the martyr and just "want everyone to be happy"-- the brother and SIL sound super smart and will prbably have the best holiday of anyone. Peaceful and without dictated terms by you OP.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people are giving the OP an unnecessarily hard time I will be the first to tell you that at least in my circle of friends the holidays by far bring out the worst in virtually every family and that would include my own !

Last Christmas our family had a huge blowout out over something so ridiculous I won't even talk about it on this board suffice to say several people did not talk for about four months . Only in May at my father's 80th birthday did everyone decide to come together and let it be water under the bridge .

bottom line I think that people around the holidays feel the pressure of time money family obligations etc. and I think it just puts a lot of undue stress on most people… Very common for family stress to be at all-time highs around the holidays .

[Anonymous]

OP, I'll go out on a limb, that you have been called a "control freak" more than once, by more than one person.

Might be time to revisit why that is.

The holidays don't have to be perfect, with everyone present, and doing all the supposedly "right" things. Really, they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's kind of nice of your brother to have that consideration for his wife. Some years, travel just isn't going to happen, surely you can understand that. I think that if you're in a big feud because of it, that's actually your doing. It's reasonable to be upset, but you need to accept it and move on.

Yes, why do you have the right to demand where your brother spends Xmas? He is doing the right thing by his wife.