If you come from a very dysfunctional family
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Anonymous
| Op here. Thanks for all the helpful comments. |
Anonymous
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I agree with firm boundaries, but you also have to confront things that you may not have been comfortable doing before.
For example, my family is very right-wing with racist/sexist/homophobic tendencies. Pre-kids, I would just redirect or move away from conversations when these things popped up. Post-kids, I think it's important to follow others' advice (talk to kids about values/things that will pop up prior/follow up afterwards - "Well, gram and pap think this, but that's not very nice and here's what dad and I think..."). BUT I also think that it's important to lead by example. So, if my dad says something racist in front of my kids, I say, "Dad, that was really racist, and I don't think it's appropriate to say things like that in front of your grand children." This works out as well as you might think, by the way. Sometimes it gets really confrontational. But there have been surprising incidents where people who have been called out have stopped that behavior (at least in front of me/my kids). |
Anonymous
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Huge, firm boundaries and lots of talk with my husband about where exactly we're going to draw those boundary lines, ensuring that we're a totally united front again the invasive/obnoxious/toxic family members, and really limiting the amount of time we spend with people about whom we have concerns.
We also have worked hard to build strong friendships with other friends/families with whom we enjoy spending time, with whose kids we want ours to associate, etc... On more than one occasion I have taken my (young) child or nephew away from my parent who is the most worrisome. I will physically pick up the child and leave the room rather than allowing my parent to continue to "discipline". And I have had to shut that same parent down verbally in ways I wouldn't have thought myself capable of doing. Having a child I want to protect from what I endured has given me more strength - it's easier to stand up for my child than it was to protect myself. So, I work on not responding emotionally, and having a script prepared for things like PP suggested. Thanks Dad but I've got it. I understand what you're saying but John and I have chosen not to spank. If I need help I will ask for it. Let me handle this. I remember you telling me "my kids, my rules" when you were annoyed by Granddad interfering - I think you were right. Etc... And I fully expect the day will come when this causes a rift. When I refuse to allow some kind of behavior and it results in anger, which only escalates when I won't back down. The day hasn't come yet (miraculously) but it will. And so be it - my kids and my nuclear family come first. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Oh god. Maybe you are so liberal you are annoying |
Anonymous
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Once i was visiting my sis w/my then-3-yr-old DS. He and I were watching a movie and my sister sat next to me and proceeded to unleash a terror of hate about our mother. It went on for at least 15 minutes, complete with ugly face-making, gesturing and voices. I just sat there, stone faced and nodding (I am about 14 years younger than she=baby sister syndrome).
I still regret not shielding my DS from the hate at the time - that was years ago and i still relive it occasionally. Another time that same sister and her DH were harping about the most recent election - yelling at ME at the top of their lungs - until DS came in and started yanking on their clothes begging them to stop. I have not been back. |
Anonymous
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I explain to family members that my parenting rules and only my parenting rules apply to my child. If they disrespect me in front of my child, we both leave. Much like a toddler in a restaurant, this only works if you actually follow through.
Now that my child is old enough I have to be able to answer questions about the terrible people. I generally say something like "I agree grandma was hurtful. I'm sorry you had to see that and I'm so proud that you do not think it's ok to treat people unkindly. I don't think she knows how to be different." |
Anonymous
| The most dysfunctional members (child predator + drug addict + abusive alcoholic) of our family are not part of our lives. I haven't seen them in at least 15 years and our kids have no idea who they are and one died, which while sad is sort of convenient, too. |
Anonymous
lol |
Anonymous
| It's a difficult balance. I do try to protect my kids from outright craziness. At the same time I respect the fact that my kids have a different experience than I do and that they have a right to look forward to seeing my parents and I try to honor that. |
Anonymous
PP gave an example of dealing with someone who violates your boundaries. If you've never had to deal with it, STFU. |
Anonymous
| I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I'm also an adoptee, and when I found my biological family, it turned out they were nice and normal. What I wound up doing was phasing out my adoptive family, and my natural family became my "real" family. |
Anonymous
| I have explained to my kids that their grandma has a "broken head" and that some injuries are to the body's d you can see them and some are to the brain and you can't.... This way they know my mother's dysfunctional behavior is not "normal" or appropriate behavior to copy..... My therapist agreed with this approach as on one hand I want my mother to spend time with her grandchildren but she is also bipolar and does really crazy stuff |
Anonymous
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Disagreeing with racism should not be a liberal value or a conservative value. It is a human value.
My friends include conservatives and liberals. No racism is welcome at my table. |
Anonymous
+1 this is ridiculous. The gift giver decides what to give. You don't like it, give it to Goodwill. Nothing wrong here. |
Anonymous
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OP- I stay away from them. Dad is a former alcoholic and all around crummy person-- mom gets nuttier by the day.
We stay away-- it helps to live far away. My husband's family is worse. It sucks-- many of my friends have incredibly nice, normal families. My son feels alone because we also don't have extended family. It would be wonderful to have a great family with siblings and cousins, but this is how it is. |