Getting to know stepmother when you are north of 40

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't live near them so you won't be spending every weekend at their house. You also have the added complication of your mother's issues, which as a pp said, are her issues. My mom died when I was 18 and my dad remarried when I was in grad school. I never lived with them and she has never been a mother figure to me. My kids consider her a grandparent but she definitely doesn't have the same love for them as she has for her own grandchildren (conversely, my dad is super close with her grandkids). I do have friends who have stepmoms they are very close to so it could just be that our personalities did not click. My dad is actually having surgery next month and I was just thinking that will be the most time she and I will have ever spent together (waiting in the hospital, etc.). I am grateful to her for nursing him through his health crises as he would have been very lonely without her. Bottom line is that you just need to take it slowly and see where it goes. It could be great and you could end up with a great friend or it could be awkward like it has been for me for the past 20 some years.

[Anonymous]

Well I am 35, but I'd like to think pretty much set as a proper adult at 31 when dad remarried ( married, getting ready to have kids etc). Honestly, for me at this point, its about what makes my parents happy. They are youngish (60-62) and I want them to have someone and a good life as they age.

My step mom has quirks that I can recognize as not ideal, she's got her own issues (one of her kids has additction problems and she's codependent) but she's so, so great and kind and loving to my kid and to be honest that makes all the rest just not as big a deal to me. My sister, who doesn't have kids, pointed it out to me actually- that it would be easier if she could see her more through the caring grandma lens, because she can see how that sort of takes over the perception.

I don't believe in terms like "step grandma" etc. If you care about and love my kid and treat them like a grand kid, you can be grandma, you can't have too many IMO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not "normal" to have a stepmother, so all - everything - depends on the "why"

Actually, given how women have died in childbirth throughout the ages, it is pretty normal to have a stepmother.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't think of her as your stepmother but as your dad's wife. Don't overthink it, just get to know her over time and see how things evolve. You might connect with her, and you might not. You can let the relationship (or lack thereof) with your kids evolve naturally, too.