Getting to know stepmother when you are north of 40

[Anonymous]

Would love to hear stories. Both good and bad. How long did it take to be normal and what role do they play as grandmothers.

[Anonymous]

Some women would love to play grandmother role and some would not. O sense an attitude from you and that would be a major drawback for me.

[Anonymous]

What attitude? This is not fair. I am just trying to understand how this works.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say it's ever "normal"-- I'm not sure what you mean by that. It has become familiar and I have gotten to know her, know what she likes to talk about, favorite shows, etc. After the first year or so it was no longer awkward.

My stepmother is not someone I have a lot in common with, but when my dad was single he was not happy, and all of his needs fell on me and my sister. I am so lucky that he remarried prior to his heart attack, because she nursed him back to health and it took months. If he were single, I would have had to take unpaid leave and missed out on a lot of time with my own children. It would have been horrible. That is why I buy my stepmom a nice cashmere sweater for Christmas every year, an extravagant box of chocolates on her birthday, and give her lots of Mother's Day attention as well. She makes my dad happy, and without her to take care of him, my life would be very very difficult. OP, I suggest you take a realistic look at your own circumstances-- they might be similar. Make nice with her because you are going to be in the caregiving trenches together some day.

[Anonymous]

This is helpful. My dad did have some health issues in the past that did require my going back and forth (he is not near). He met this lady and seems happier. She is a widow and they are both older. My mom however is angry and threatened to not talk to me if I accept her which puts me in an awkward place. Mom has always though her and dad would get back together which I knew would not happen as mom has too many issues. Anyway I am trying to be open and be happy for dad and maybe my kids to have another grandparent (I am told she is eager to be part of my kids lives) . I am hoping the weird feeling that I am being a bad person to accept her passes quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is helpful. My dad did have some health issues in the past that did require my going back and forth (he is not near). He met this lady and seems happier. She is a widow and they are both older. My mom however is angry and threatened to not talk to me if I accept her which puts me in an awkward place. Mom has always though her and dad would get back together which I knew would not happen as mom has too many issues. Anyway I am trying to be open and be happy for dad and maybe my kids to have another grandparent (I am told she is eager to be part of my kids lives) . I am hoping the weird feeling that I am being a bad person to accept her passes quickly.

This issue is your mother's not yours. You are an adult now who has experienced adult relationships and dynamics in them. You can see. Oth your parents for who they are, not the six year old's vision. While maybe you don't want to post a billion FB pictures with their "new nana", this is not your burden. Positive relationships are always a good thing.

[Anonymous]

It is not "normal" to have a stepmother, so all - everything - depends on the "why"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is helpful. My dad did have some health issues in the past that did require my going back and forth (he is not near). He met this lady and seems happier. She is a widow and they are both older. My mom however is angry and threatened to not talk to me if I accept her which puts me in an awkward place. Mom has always though her and dad would get back together which I knew would not happen as mom has too many issues. Anyway I am trying to be open and be happy for dad and maybe my kids to have another grandparent (I am told she is eager to be part of my kids lives) . I am hoping the weird feeling that I am being a bad person to accept her passes quickly.

This issue is your mother's not yours. You are an adult now who has experienced adult relationships and dynamics in them. You can see. Oth your parents for who they are, not the six year old's vision. While maybe you don't want to post a billion FB pictures with their "new nana", this is not your burden. Positive relationships are always a good thing.

+1. This is your mom's problem, not yours. Perhaps it would be best to refuse to discuss your stepmom with your mom completely. Sometimes a consistent boundary is the best way of keeping the peace.

The weirdness does pass, or at least you get used to it, depending on how things go as you get to know the person. Lots of people accept their step-parents, and of course you are not a bad person. It is your dad's life to live. You don't have to have your kids call her "grandma" or anything that causes a problem. But really, the problem here is your mom and not you.

Meanwhile, thank your lucky stars that your dad has someone on-site. He is much safer that way. Do you want to be dealing with every emergency? I doubt it. And this frees up more of your time to help your mom out when she needs it. Yay stepmom!

[Anonymous]

Mine is more of a peer than a stepmother. She's only a couple of years older which probably changes the dynamic, and has kids from her first marriage the same age as mine. While I wouldn't necessarily choose to do a lot with her independently, we do a lot as an extended family including vacations.

[Anonymous]

I never thought of the step parent as a mother or father because they didn't raise me. I was an adult and dealt with the person as the significant other of my living parent.

I would never refer to that person, who came into my life when I was an adult and had very little relationship with that person, as a parent. The person never parented me or my siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is more of a peer than a stepmother. She's only a couple of years older which probably changes the dynamic, and has kids from her first marriage the same age as mine. While I wouldn't necessarily choose to do a lot with her independently, we do a lot as an extended family including vacations.

Gross.

[Anonymous]

Mine has no interest in a relationship with me and has isolated my dad from me. They are only involved in her grandchildren's lives, not his. I don't even try anymore. I hate her.

[Anonymous]

Do you even think of her as a stepmother? My husband's mother remarried at age 72 when my husband was 44. She and her husband had been living together for a few years and he had always been just "Bill." He did not become dad and my DH and BIL do not refer to him as their stepfather. He's their mother's husband. Nothing personal toward him- we all think he's an ok guy (actually easier to get along with than MIL is). It's just that he has never played anything like a parental role and never will. It's nice that my widowed MIL has someone but no one you meet in your 40s is a parental figure of any kind.

I say this as someone whose husband is a wonderful stepparent. My daughter has a stepmother too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine is more of a peer than a stepmother. She's only a couple of years older which probably changes the dynamic, and has kids from her first marriage the same age as mine. While I wouldn't necessarily choose to do a lot with her independently, we do a lot as an extended family including vacations.

Gross.

Not sure whats gross. I know some people have trouble with family vacations but we enjoy them.

[Anonymous]

I referred to her as my Dad's wife, never stepmother. She wasn't mothering me. And yes - add another +1 to an on-site caregiver for your Dad. It was a lifesaver and Dad liked the care he got from her better than anything my sisters and I would have served up! She was a very helpful grandmother - would babysit with Dad, play with them, she was the one who bought the birthday and Christmas gifts. She was a very kind, patient teacher when she worked, so it was a nice fit.

Good luck!