Younger sister makes horrible financial choices

[Anonymous]

Your parents are doing her a gross disservice. She will not learn to be independent just from you talking to her. She has to learn by being forced to live it. Let her get jobs, pay her own way, and not get bailed out by your parents.

[Anonymous]

+1 mental health treatment and tough love. Your parents need to demand therapy and (pending diagnosis) start cutting the cord.

Either she is a brat or she could have an undiagnosed personality disorder leading to increased dependence and/or poor life choices. Rule out the later - then she needs to learn that there are consequences to actions and its time to stand on her own. Unfortunately, many of these folks never grow out of it. I know 40 year olds still 100% reliant on their parents ($$) and unable to hold a job for more than a few months at time. Why should they? Their parents still buy them everything they need.

I feel your frustration. There is nothing that drives me crazier than watching someone get everything for free with little regard for others. Hang in there. And don't give in to her demands.

Do your parents know that this special treatment upsets you? IT could drive a wedge between you and your sister - I can't imagine a parent would want that.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree that she is being enabled and it is ridiculous for your parents to ask you to speak with her about it. This is a monster they created.

My husband's family has done this with his older brother for years. Now they are stuck in a 3 br home with a 40+ man child and his 2 illegitamate children while my FIL battles cancer but had to worry about making more space for a 4th br. Oh, and guess who was doing the phone calls and legwork to get FIL the care he needed? My husband, from half a country away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure you can show your parents all this, but please don't show your sister. Don't you think she's sick of hearing how perfect her older sister is, and how she will never measure up? She may learn these good lessons through natural consequences if the parents start withdrawing all the help, but she will definitely dig in her heels and rebel if it becomes "why can't you be more like your sister." It's only human to feel insulted by that especially if the sister always seems to have everything together and you don't. It's a classic older sibling/younger sibling dynamic.

This. If you are being held up as the ideal, she's going to rebel. It really is just human nature. I'd tell your parents that you've tried giving your sister advice, but she's not interested. And then stay out of it. Your parents probably don't want your advice either.

Ultimately, she has to want to change. Right now, she has little reason to. If your parents let her experience some of the consequences, she might learn, but you can't make her or them change. Stay out of this, and when/if your sister comes to you for advice, don't say, "I told you so."

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be an ear for your parents to lean on; they created this. Sure your sister may have naturally lazy/manipulative tendencies, but they are encouraging this with their behavior. I"d suggest they start charging rent any time they start to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I'm going over there in a few days and will show them this. Its basically what I've been saying and hopefully SEEING this will help them see whats going on.

OP, you will probably have to accept that you can't change your parents, just like you can't change your sister. Say what you need to say and then let go of it. If they change, that's a bonus, but it sounds like they're getting some kind of personal benefits out of enabling your sister and are not likely to change.

And then you will need to prepare for what happens when your parents pass away. You will have to decide whether and how much you will help your sister. I speak from experience -- better to have your thoughts clearly worked out now because it will be harder to draw the line once your parents are gone and no longer enabling your sister. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it won't. I have the same sister only 20 years older. She won't change and neither will my parents. My parents have given her everything and never allowed her to fail. They have always rescued her. Get used to it. This doesn't change.

+100. My SIL is 42 and still behaves like she's 16. Right down to hiding boyfriends from her parents because she knows they won't like them and she can't risk getting cut off.

[Anonymous]

Op, NP here - - there's one more thing - - you don't owe your parents advice on dealing with your sister. That, in and of itself, is a burden.

Advice though - lose the "younger" sister description. It doesn't matter any longer, and it doesn't do anyone any good to differentiate.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've watched this happen in my DH's family. My inlaws decided early on that my DH's sister was just Not Capable of getting through messes on her own. So they always helped her with much hand holding. Since she's always had such a huge safety net, she's made dumb choice after dumb choice. At some point though, it became clear it was a very set cycle. My inlaws feed the cycle because they really want to be needed. My DH doesn't give them that satisfaction because he is self-sufficient. They almost resent him because of it. They feed the cycle with his sister just as much as she does. Now it's to the point where my MIL realizes she is part of the problem, so any criticism of her daughter she takes as criticism of herself. So she gets nasty quick because she's self-conscious of what a shit job she did not-raising her daughter.

My only advice to my DH has been to try stay out of it as much as possible. I talk him out of feeling bad for his parents, because they don't need sympathy. They made this mess themselves and have no intention of doing things differently in the future, so it's best to just stay out of it.

The only thing I've made clear to my DH is that once his parents are gone and his sister comes to us with her hand out, I will say no. There will be no negotiating on this fact. I am not working hard, saving my pennies to bail her out down the line. I will not do it. I've told him I will do one thing for her: pay for a consultation with a financial consultant to help her figure it out on her own. That's the only hand out she will ever get from me. I fully expect this might estrange us from her at some point in the next 20 years. But I will not take money away from my own children so that she can buy shoes. No effing way.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Thank You for the advice

I'm sorry that so many of you have had similar experiences. Its just a shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if the car gets repo'd she'll have a wake up call. Sounds like she'll need to hit a very hard bottom to understand consequences.

+1 It is so hard to see but often this is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, Thank You for the advice

I'm sorry that so many of you have had similar experiences. Its just a shame.

What is plan after parents die? Large inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not your problem. Your parents are enabling her and they are the only ones who have a lever in this situation.

Agree with this.

You need to stay out of it and the fact your parents are coming to you and asking you to "fix" her is pretty indicative of what is wrong in the situation. It's not your problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

My sister is 10x what your sister is. She married for money, 5 times. Left a trail of financial death along the way. We call her a serial hooker wife.

The other day my brother called her out on something and she told him the reason she behaved the way she did all these years was because she had no father figure to look up to.

We have no idea what she's talking about. She's also a habitual liar. Mental illness ? No. Just a conniving hateful greedy bitch. As long as she gets what she wants, f everyone else.

Distance is the only solution. I refuse to even hear about her shenanigans anymore. My stress level is down to zero.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is a boundary issue like any other. It is not your burden - it's not even your burden to listen to it. Establish boundaries, or else go into therapy yourself to learn why you won't.