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[quote=Anonymous]OP,  I've watched this happen in my DH's family.  My inlaws decided early on that my DH's sister was just Not Capable of getting through messes on her own.  So they always helped her with much hand holding.  Since she's always had such a huge safety net, she's made dumb choice after dumb choice.  At some point though, it became clear it was a very set cycle.  My inlaws feed the cycle because they really want to be needed.  My DH doesn't give them that satisfaction because he is self-sufficient.  They almost resent him because of it.  They feed the cycle with his sister just as much as she does.  Now it's to the point where my MIL realizes she is part of the problem, so any criticism of her daughter she takes as criticism of herself.  So she gets nasty quick because she's self-conscious of what a shit job she did not-raising her daughter.

My only advice to my DH has been to try stay out of it as much as possible.  I talk him out of feeling bad for his parents, because they don't need sympathy.  They made this mess themselves and have no intention of doing things differently in the future, so it's best to just stay out of it.

The only thing I've made clear to my DH is that once his parents are gone and his sister comes to us with her hand out, I will say no.  There will be no negotiating on this fact.  I am not working hard, saving my pennies to bail her out down the line.  I will not do it.  I've told him I will do one thing for her: pay for a consultation with a financial consultant to help her figure it out on her own.  That's the only hand out she will ever get from me.  I fully expect this might estrange us from her at some point in the next 20 years.  But I will not take money away from my own children so that she can buy shoes.  No effing way.[/quote]

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