Work travel and time away from kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. I traveled a lot when my DD was 2-8; by traveled a lot, I mean I was more than 5000 miles away about 1 week per month. I was mostly in spots that most people considered tourist destinations: Hawaii & Vienna (Austria). My wife resented it, and when I was home, expected me to be 100% n with the kid (which I did, gladly).

First, let me tell you what my days were like.
In Hawaii:
4 AM wakeup (jet lag).
4-6 AM: Do work for the company -- emails, address buring issues
6-6:30: Breakfast
6:30-7:30 commute (Hawaii traffic is bad, and there are no hotels near my customer)
7:30-6:00 Work at the customer site, various activities
6:00-6:30 Dinner near customer site
6:30-7:30 Commute back to hotel
7:30-8:00 Check Corp Email, address any fires
8:00 Crash (note that Hawaii is 6 hours behind us, so 8 PM is like 2 AM ET)

That is not a relaxing trip.

When I was home, I would go to work before anyone else got up, but be home around 5:00 PM; I was responsible for Dinner and the child untill her bedtime (about 8:00 at first, 9:00 later).

Also note that I planned my trips around softball schedules -- I was her softball coach, and over 7 seasons, missed one or two games. I would often go from the end of season game/party to the airport; suitcase in my car.

Also, my wife was jealous of my travels; so when DD was 5, I took the family with me on one of these trips. I had to explain that I was working; after the trip she commented that I was gone more there than I was when working at home.

+1. Former sahm but now full time working DW here. I recently took two, 2-week business trips to Asia. Very little free time, exhausting travel (economy class to Asia...Blech), dinner with colleagues and clients at night that was all forced smiles listening to "war" stories, etc. Then come back and utter exhaustion but you have to be on for the kids.

OP, you are displacing your annoyance. As a former career woman turned sahm for 5 years turned back to career woman, I urge you to rethink the sahm bit. I think that is at the core of your frustrations. You may not realize it or want to admit it...but that's my guess.

In the meantime, each parent gets time away to connect with friends and have fun.

[Anonymous]

get yourself some help. It's unlikely your DH will agree with your view

^this. Because "it is what it is". Often people post asking, "should it be this way?" Irrelevant. An answer coming from strangers is irrelevant. All that matters is what you and DH can agree on, that's your answer. The only answer that matters.

[Anonymous]

I can see the annoyance if it's one of those "conferences" that's more vacation than work. But most work trips are like the guy who outlined his days in Hawaii.

With that said, why not take spa days during the week or save the babysitter for when your husband is home? Then you get weekends as a family or you have a nice date weekend with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you stay home OP?

That was my question too. I'm not a SAHD, but I'm the default parent and my wife is away a lot for work. We have childcare during the week, but I pick up most of the work-week slack on the kid, and my wife is away one weekend a month for work while I'm home with the baby.

I get that taking care of children is very demanding. I agree completely with the idea that it's work just as much as going to a regular job. So, it seems to me your weekday job is childcare and his is...whatever it is.

The rest of the time you two should be splitting child duties between you. Yes, he should get vacation weekends too, just as you should get them. When he's home during the week (not travelling) he should be giving you a break from child care. Travelling for work is not "vacation" even if you get to go to nice places and maybe eat out.

[Anonymous]

I tend to agree with your DH. You both need down time. And even though eating a chipotle burrito in a hotel room may be more relaxing that dealing with small children, it's not actual downtime. Maybe you need more support while your DH is gone, so you don't feel totally tapped out.

[Anonymous]

DW here. I'm torn on this. I totally understand where you are coming from and if I was you I probably would be upset that he tried to even out the scores this way. However, I travel for work occasionally and I must admit it is exhausting and not fun at all. You are "on" from early morning till late, late evening. You can never relax as you would if you were on vacation or even at home. So if you are gonna for a few days, it feels like you are working 24hrs a day, non stop. I would say if he is hands on when he's home and takes over for you, then I would give him a weekend away and maybe you can hire some help.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both travel a lot (think average one week international trip a month each that implies 2 WEs away). And we have 2 kids under 3.


As others have said, for us it is not about the "evenings having fun with colleagues". My days are closer to The DH in Hawai. Lots of work, the 1h jump in the pool at the end of the mission, or the beer by the pool with colleagues (not friends) doesn't feel like vacation time, just necessary to reduce blood pressure. So if we had no kids, I would def say it is more relaxing to be home.


BUT, we are both clearly aware that it was even more tiresome for the one that stayed home: just the 8 hours of flight time with movies and no kid crying is a break that deserves payback . It is the no cooking, no cleaning, no interrupted nights plus the possibility to open a book or take a long bath that represent a break.

In your situation that's what I would point out to my DH. I understand his point of view because contrary to us he doesn't get to experience both sides. You are both exhausted and you both deserve a break. Keep that in mind.


My Conclusion : no he doesn't get a WE just because you got one. You got a break because of all the evening/nights/cooking you did on your own and which should be shared (as a SAHP your hours are 9 to 5pm too, like him, the hours he is off work should be shared 50-50 regarding the kids). But don't compare his travel to holidays though, they are not.


Again as others have said: be gentle and smart about those discussions. Negotiate a fair basis, for ex you get a WE break for 3 or 4 weeks of his work travel, and each of you get a WE away with friends every X months. (I would say 4 months personally). So he gets a WE break too but not 1:1. Once you negotiate fair principles, be generous, as generous as you can. It feels great to offer time for your partner to regenerate and it creates a positive dynamic.

Remember, you both feel overwrought and that you are giving 150% of your time. So you BOTH feel like the other is not really pulling off their weight. That's normal. It will pass. I have 2 couples around me divorcing because of precisely this, such a waste, so sad. All things considered, a babysitter is VERY cheap

[Anonymous]

Yes he deserves a break as well. This is why I gave up my job that required extensive travel. It's very tiring. I also do not like sleeping in hotels. I always struggle to fall asleep. I wouldn't even want to be married to someone with a job like this. When one person is away a lot, the entire household takes a hit. Please don't have another child with this man until things even out a bit more because it sounds like you are both on the path to resentment.