Parents are hoarders, don't understand why I don't want their junk

[Anonymous]

My mother is a hoarder. She gave me some old crappy clothes of hers. I couldn't even fit them in my suitcase (they live out of town). So I had her mail them to me in a box, whereupon I donated them, already boxed.

The rest of the hoard in the house, including new clothes with tags, old mayonnaise jars, every issue of Southern Living ever...will just have to sit there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just take it and throw it out immediately. Don't even bring it in your home. Unfortunately there's not much you can do to change them.

+1 Both my parents were/are hoarders but of different things. (My dad came of age in the time of The Great Depression, so he hoarded everything…rubber bands, cottage cheese cartons. Mom is a Costco and garage sale hoarder, and anything like furniture a neighbor gives away or wants to sell)

A hoarder cannot throw away their hoard. It's like a squirrel knowing where every nut is hidden. Every piece is special to them, and tagged for who should get it, and if that person doesn't want it, then who Person B is who should get it…etc.

So you take it and throw it out. Say "thank you; my friend Larla will love this!" or "I'll put it in my (imaginary) storage unit until February!!" blah blah then throw it out.

If they come to your place, they actually might not ask you about it because once a piece is out of their hoard in a way that is acceptable to them, they relax about that piece and actually may forget that it's supposed to be at your place.

So while I agree with the general sentiment to keep your boundary and say no, in this situation if you want them to downsize, you've got to say yes.

However; be forewarned that it might be better for them to move to the smaller place FIRST, rather than get rid of their junk to move into the smaller place. This is because you can clear out a whole room and make it look fantastic, and when you come back the following week they've gone out and brought in more stuff to clutter it up. The empty space causes anxiety in them so they go fill it. I once spent an entire summer turning my mom's condo (that she had moved out of) into a space worthy of a bed-and-breakfast situation, only to return two months later to see that she had brought in a piano and two desks; you couldn't even open the windows…

And OP what this situation does help with is my own resolve that I will never foist this problem on my own children!

[Anonymous]

Just remember that "no." is a complete sentence

[Anonymous]

The fact they want to downsize and get rid of stuff is a good sign and should be encouraged. Rent a truck from Uhaul, take whatever they want to give you, and trash it. If they ask you about it when they visit, say you had luck selling it on Craigslist. Ask them for more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Hoarders don't downsize. They want to "share the wealth" and unintentionally pass on the habits of accumulating and hanging on to stuff you don't want or need.

[Anonymous]

Why not take the stuff...


...then donate or trash it?

[Anonymous]

So you take it and throw it out. Say "thank you; my friend Larla will love this!" or "I'll put it in my (imaginary) storage unit until February!!" blah blah then throw it out.

This. It's worked for me in the past. Accept what they want to give you, tell them you have a wonderful home for said junk, and toss it. It will only make the tiniest dent in the hoard, but something is better than nothing. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I hate to tell you this but it's only going to get worse. I've not been "home" in two decades because my parents are embarrassed to have me come in the house. My mother mails me oddball ancient things that have to go right in the trash. Unfortunately, it is a very difficult condition to change; most hoarders and enablers are resistant to help. My brother and I are right now trying to decide if it is time to call in on the County's hoarding hotline because our attempts to help have failed. My parents are in their 80s and we live in fear that they are going to fall or catch the house on fire, but they will not let us near the house to help.

PP, another PP here, it might help to call the county and ask what would happen if you made a formal report, so you can think about it with the details in hand. I didn't end up needing to make that call, but I was glad to have that information in my back pocket.

Thanks, I already did. In this particular County, you first call the hoarding hotline. Normally they send out a social services agent who knocks on the door and asks permission to enter. The occupant can turn them away (which would be the case with parents). The agency then turns it over to the police and they then make a "welfare check" and may enter the premises. At that time, after the police have observed, they reassign it back to the social services agency to set up regular meetings by a worker (like you've seen on Hoarders) who makes as many visits as necessary. However, upon hearing the details on my particular case, the hoarding hotline told me to call the police directly and ask for a "welfare check". I am out of state. They prefer that an in-state person make the call, so it would fall upon my brother to make that call. The police then have "exigent circumstances" to enter the dwelling and observe. A subsequent call to the County by Brother told us that the police would disclose who made the complaint call, which is sort of beyond the point now. But the neighbors have expressed conceen and wondered, too, if they should call. However, once Brother makes that call, the family will be destroyed. Very very tough call: Parents falling, getting hurt, dying in fire vs. making that single phone call.

[Anonymous]

OP what do you think of the PP suggestions to take as much as you can get them to give you, then throw/donate it yourself? Could you do that first, then re-assess if/when your brother should make the call?

[Anonymous]

I was going to call the fire Marshall, or whoever, on my parents, who are their 80s, when the health crisis hit last year and one of them was hospitalized. So they agreed to move to a senior living place. And lo and behold they didn't take any of their hoard with them. They bought all new stuff. Problem: their old house is sitting there full of crap, they refuse to sell it or even clean it out, even though they aren't living in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was going to call the fire Marshall, or whoever, on my parents, who are their 80s, when the health crisis hit last year and one of them was hospitalized. So they agreed to move to a senior living place. And lo and behold they didn't take any of their hoard with them. They bought all new stuff. Problem: their old house is sitting there full of crap, they refuse to sell it or even clean it out, even though they aren't living in it.

Ha! Same for my in-laws. FIL is deceased and BIL had until May of this year to clean it out but did not and now has an extension until November. Don't expect it to be done in November either. MIL is living at the assisted living facility and basically refuses to deal. Have offered to help clean it out many times including over the summer. Asked if we could stay at the house over Christmas hoping that will give them an incentive to clean it out but no.

Oh well. Maybe when MIL passes away, BIL will buy us out and live there (keeping it exactly the way it is).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I hate to tell you this but it's only going to get worse. I've not been "home" in two decades because my parents are embarrassed to have me come in the house. My mother mails me oddball ancient things that have to go right in the trash. Unfortunately, it is a very difficult condition to change; most hoarders and enablers are resistant to help. My brother and I are right now trying to decide if it is time to call in on the County's hoarding hotline because our attempts to help have failed. My parents are in their 80s and we live in fear that they are going to fall or catch the house on fire, but they will not let us near the house to help.

PP, another PP here, it might help to call the county and ask what would happen if you made a formal report, so you can think about it with the details in hand. I didn't end up needing to make that call, but I was glad to have that information in my back pocket.

Thanks, I already did. In this particular County, you first call the hoarding hotline. Normally they send out a social services agent who knocks on the door and asks permission to enter. The occupant can turn them away (which would be the case with parents). The agency then turns it over to the police and they then make a "welfare check" and may enter the premises. At that time, after the police have observed, they reassign it back to the social services agency to set up regular meetings by a worker (like you've seen on Hoarders) who makes as many visits as necessary. However, upon hearing the details on my particular case, the hoarding hotline told me to call the police directly and ask for a "welfare check". I am out of state. They prefer that an in-state person make the call, so it would fall upon my brother to make that call. The police then have "exigent circumstances" to enter the dwelling and observe. A subsequent call to the County by Brother told us that the police would disclose who made the complaint call, which is sort of beyond the point now. But the neighbors have expressed conceen and wondered, too, if they should call. However, once Brother makes that call, the family will be destroyed. Very very tough call: Parents falling, getting hurt, dying in fire vs. making that single phone call.

Can your brother give a fake name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. Been there. Put it in your car or the rental on the last day of the visit, but go straight to the donation center or dump as needed. Do not tell them you are doing this. :/

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

We have hoarder-lite in-laws, and this is what we do. We always take the stuff, then take it straight to Goodwill or the dump.

[Anonymous]

Another person with a hoarder mother-in-law. I used to refuse some of her hand-me-downs but now take everything. I realized that she could give stuff to me and it was OK in her mind to do so whereas she couldn't just give it to Goodwill or throw it out. I now take it and do what I want (Goodwill or toss) and she never asks me about it. She's very intelligent so must know on some level, but this seems to work for both of us.