Dating opportunities for adults with learning disabilities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a friend who has a significant learning disability, plus some other things that are undiagnosed I am sure.

He has found the most success in networking groups for the learning disabled, places like Toastmasters, and groups where they share mutual interests.

While these things don't necessarily equate to dates, he's found that the more his time is filled, the less loneliness he experiences and the less "out of synch with normal people" he feels.

He's asked me what I think about online or speed dating before, and I've been honest: these places are competitive and hard enough for "normal" folk. He's better to find someone with mutual passion to develop something with. At the least, he's out pursuing his passions, rather an sitting alone, swiping profiles on tinder that will never get him a bite.

Please tell me you didn't tell your friend this. Don't insinuate that your friend isn't normal. That's a rude word to use.

[Anonymous]

Op, hugs to your son. It must be heartbreaking to watch him go through this. I'm so sorry to hear that he lost his wife. Even people with learning disabilities and delays can find friends through meet up groups, astronomy clubs, birding etc.

How is he doing emotionally? Is he ready to be 'out there"?

Hugs to you op and to your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a friend who has a significant learning disability, plus some other things that are undiagnosed I am sure.

He has found the most success in networking groups for the learning disabled, places like Toastmasters, and groups where they share mutual interests.

While these things don't necessarily equate to dates, he's found that the more his time is filled, the less loneliness he experiences and the less "out of synch with normal people" he feels.

He's asked me what I think about online or speed dating before, and I've been honest: these places are competitive and hard enough for "normal" folk. He's better to find someone with mutual passion to develop something with. At the least, he's out pursuing his passions, rather an sitting alone, swiping profiles on tinder that will never get him a bite.

Please tell me you didn't tell your friend this. Don't insinuate that your friend isn't normal. That's a rude word to use.

Eh. I have several severe learning disabilities and I'm not normal. It's reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His level: low end of low average in some areas, average or slightly above in others; poor abstract reasoning skills; very low writing and spelling skills; avid reader; good verbal vocabulary. Excellent social skills though quiet. Great with hands-on abilities. Totally self-sufficient and independent but vulnerable to being taken advantage of. No mean bone in his body. Helpful to others. He seems to be in a subset of people where there are not many others like him, which is the challenge. Parental involvement is limited; just trying to be helpful in setting a direction.

There are a lot of inclusive arts and social activities in the area for art making, health/gym opportunities, dancing, as well as church groups who have inclusive programming. Since it sounds like he is at the higher end of having LD or ID, he could also possibly volunteer to help out with some of these groups to help meet new people? I would suggest looking at his interests like reading, and then looking for inclusive programs based on those interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a friend who has a significant learning disability, plus some other things that are undiagnosed I am sure.

He has found the most success in networking groups for the learning disabled, places like Toastmasters, and groups where they share mutual interests.

While these things don't necessarily equate to dates, he's found that the more his time is filled, the less loneliness he experiences and the less "out of synch with normal people" he feels.

He's asked me what I think about online or speed dating before, and I've been honest: these places are competitive and hard enough for "normal" folk. He's better to find someone with mutual passion to develop something with. At the least, he's out pursuing his passions, rather an sitting alone, swiping profiles on tinder that will never get him a bite.

Please tell me you didn't tell your friend this. Don't insinuate that your friend isn't normal. That's a rude word to use.

PP here.. I probably didn't use the word normal - I did here because it Was the fastest way to convey the conversation and it's all that came to my mind as I spent 20 seconds typing up my reply.

That being said, friend himself identifies as "not normal" or "not like everyone else". He knows he's not playing on the same field as most of the pack - whether that's at work, school, on social playing field. Heck, he has to live every day, navigating sociial situations his brain doesn't process Properly. And he knows it. He doesn't want me to candy coat, so I don't. That's why we have been friends for 20 years. His parents filled him with a lot of unrealistic puppies and rainbows when he was young, even failing to seek out a proper diagnosis for him as a child because he was "unique and special". He doesn't appreciate anyone blowing sunshine for his sake, because he misses the social cues later on based on what he's been told. He likes harsh reality becaus then he actually understands a situation going into it, rather than having a messed up perception.

Why would I set him up for failure? That's not what friends do. Sometimes being a caring friend is not being falsely nice. It might look like someone being brutally honest so that someone who does not have the ability to judge a situation for themselves at least goes in with the necessary tools.

So, if I told him to go for online dating just to be nice, I'm sending him in to get eaten alive, or completely up for disappointment. Online IS hard for everyone - it would be hell on earth and downright heartbreaking for someone with poor social development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a friend who has a significant learning disability, plus some other things that are undiagnosed I am sure.

He has found the most success in networking groups for the learning disabled, places like Toastmasters, and groups where they share mutual interests.

While these things don't necessarily equate to dates, he's found that the more his time is filled, the less loneliness he experiences and the less "out of synch with normal people" he feels.

He's asked me what I think about online or speed dating before, and I've been honest: these places are competitive and hard enough for "normal" folk. He's better to find someone with mutual passion to develop something with. At the least, he's out pursuing his passions, rather an sitting alone, swiping profiles on tinder that will never get him a bite.

I think this is great advice. It sounds like he's delayed (You mention finding people who operate at his level) So the regular online dating scene may be too much for him. My brother has very high functioning autism (Aspergers before they stopped using that term). Online dating was a struggle for him. He's a genius but with awful social intelligence. He found a hobby he loves and got active in that community and has had a NT girlfriend for the past 3 years.

What is a NT girlfriend ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a friend who has a significant learning disability, plus some other things that are undiagnosed I am sure.

He has found the most success in networking groups for the learning disabled, places like Toastmasters, and groups where they share mutual interests.

While these things don't necessarily equate to dates, he's found that the more his time is filled, the less loneliness he experiences and the less "out of synch with normal people" he feels.

He's asked me what I think about online or speed dating before, and I've been honest: these places are competitive and hard enough for "normal" folk. He's better to find someone with mutual passion to develop something with. At the least, he's out pursuing his passions, rather an sitting alone, swiping profiles on tinder that will never get him a bite.

I think this is great advice. It sounds like he's delayed (You mention finding people who operate at his level) So the regular online dating scene may be too much for him. My brother has very high functioning autism (Aspergers before they stopped using that term). Online dating was a struggle for him. He's a genius but with awful social intelligence. He found a hobby he loves and got active in that community and has had a NT girlfriend for the past 3 years.

What is a NT girlfriend ?

NT is neurotypical, meaning she doesn't have a disability with a neurological basis (e.g. autism, intellectual disability, learning disability, ADHD). She could conceivably have a non-neuro disability like a missing limb, but more like he means she doesn't have a disability at all.

[Anonymous]

OP - Please disregard the poster who suggested going to the SN board as that is totally in appropriate. I think that you are caring person who would/could be offering advice to any adult child who was widowed - but in your son's case, you are correct that he might benefit from avoiding certain avenues in meeting new people. I would suggest that you share the general guidance of no major decision for one year so that he can grieve and adjust to the loss of his wife. See in his general demeanor if might benefit from any sort of grief counseling.

On meeting and making new friendships female as well as male, encourage him to follow his interests that he might have in sports activities and volunteering - but not necessarily just with those with individuals with disabilities. Becoming involved or more involved with a church of his faith with an active adults program. Also for you perhaps doing some background research into social groups for middle aged adults with learning disabilities might also provide another avenue of general direction. In his case who is to say that he might meet and date a woman perhaps with a little strong academic skills in some areas, but who would compliment him as a life partner, BUT remember marriage is not necessarily the end goal of developing friendships and relationships.

Having a young adult daughter with a cognitive disability, I do caution you to not think that your DS needs a "caregiver" to live out his life with if you are not there as he does seem perfectly capable of handling his day-to-day life. If this were to become too much of a goal or worry for you as a mom, it would not serve him well. What you can do to help ensure his future well-being should he remain solo is to be sure that you set up a trust directed sole to him to provide for him as you see fit. Additionally, you might work with him to see that he has chosen appropriately in terms of a Power of Attorney and Health Care directive a person to look out for his best interests as he ages. This might be a family member if he has siblings or even cousin. If not then, consult your/his lawyer on how best to proceed. Also, it will help him for you to have a future care plan in place that takes into account perhaps his ability to be able to handle or not handle complex health care, legal and financial decisions regarding you. What I am trying to say is that future planning for yourself and with your son will also help him as he ages, BUT you can only do so much. And you sould like a very caring, supportive and not over-bearing mom in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His level: low end of low average in some areas, average or slightly above in others; poor abstract reasoning skills; very low writing and spelling skills; avid reader; good verbal vocabulary. Excellent social skills though quiet. Great with hands-on abilities. Totally self-sufficient and independent but vulnerable to being taken advantage of. No mean bone in his body. Helpful to others. He seems to be in a subset of people where there are not many others like him, which is the challenge. Parental involvement is limited; just trying to be helpful in setting a direction.

MYOB

An adult with his abilities is just an adult, with challenges and strengths like every other adult. He should be managing his own life, just like every other adult.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't the one who suggested asking on the SN forum, but I don't think it is inappropriate. It could be mutually beneficial to OP and the parents there --after, OP's son has had one successful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Special Olympics?

Also, your local chapter of the Arc may have ideas or social events. Not sure what your child's level of functioning is but I've seen them be very welcoming to all sorts. They may also have ideas about grief counseling should your DS need that after the loss of his spouse.

Similarly, hospices and other places often run groups for widows and widowers. The goal of attending should NOT be to pick up a new spouse, but it can be a way of meeting people at a similar point in life and widening social circles.