Trying to understand MIL/FIL paying for everything for 26 y/o SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what to say other than it would bother me and I'd distance myself from the family.

Yeah, I mean .. it's weird? We get it? Not sure why you detailing everything you pay for is necessary - oh wait, yes I do. To make you feel better about how you're superior to her.

[Anonymous]

I am OP, you guys are absolutely right for me to stay out of it, I wasn't asking for an intervention type situation.. I was more just curious if this was a normal family thing, maybe it is normal for the youngest and the daughter because I have no comparison for it. DH has an okay relationship with them. We see them at holidays and DH talks with MIL every week or so . we see them infrequently enough that I didn't realize how much ILs take care of SIL. DH doesn't seem to care about it. It's his norm I suppose. I said how much i liked the furniture and he said "only the best for princess" and seemed kinda sad.Thanks for your answers! Gave me insight!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it is unfair to your DH, but it is really nothing for you to become involved in. Your in laws don't owe you anything, and really, as an adult, don't owe your DH anything either. If the favoritism bothers him, best thing for him to do is distance himself from his parents and sister.

[Anonymous]

There are still parents out there who subsidize their daughters, because they feel they are more disadvantaged and or helpless. Their sons are expected to be men and to make their own way. It has nothing to do with loving one child more than the other.

[Anonymous]

People like to feel needed. He was self-sufficient, didn't make them feel needed. Do they brag about how well he's done?

She's likely a squeaky wheel.

I see this dynamic a lot and it leads to the competent adult child feeling confused and hurt. And I truly don't think the parents intend that, but that's another thread.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and my parents have always wanted to pay everything for me - actually they did, until DH and I insisted that we could manage!

But the scenario you describe is disturbing because of the disparity of treatment between your husband and his sister. I suppose your husband is the quiet and accepting kind that never asks for anything, and his sister is the baby and has always expected, and demanded, that her parents provide her with stuff. The fact that no one has thrown a public fit over this situation has probably enabled his parents to pretend they were being fair and their son didn't need their help.

The only way I could rationalize this situation is if the supported sibling had a handicap, but I suspect it's not the case here.

[Anonymous]

Your DH seems to mostly made peace with the circumstances. Use his experience to not revisit the same pattern with your own children. That is about the only real lesson from it.

[Anonymous]

I'm the only one of my four siblings who's completely weaned off parental support and it's largely a matter of capacity. I always had jobs and savings. I was able to pay my own rent - without loans, just relied on savings I raked up ahead of time - while in grad school, so I did. The others weren't able to, so they didn't. I was the first to get married, so I was the first to get kicked off the family phone plan since 6+ people means two plans and having 5 & under means one family plan. So, I have my own with my husband and in the meantime, my brother who has since gotten married is still on Mom & Dad's phone plan. I was also the only one not to get a car for college use - I expressed interest in it once or twice, but didn't push for it. The others did and they got it. That was their call and I made my own call about how to handle it.

Sometimes it's not just about favorites. Sometimes you're the first to get to a milestone in life or the first to be capable of full independence, or the one less likely to ask for help. I can tell you that my parents are really proud of how I manage things. Are your ILs proud of your husband? Don't read further into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pity her that she can't function as an adult and is basically a leech.

I think this is good advice. Don't let DH identify as a victim. He is a survivor!
Has happened in my family as well, it is just not normal.

[Anonymous]

OMG! You just described my in-laws. Exact same situation. DH gets NOTHING, SIL is a lazy POS that gets everything handed to her and paid for. I think it's because he's a man and he's supposed to take care of himself and family. They paid for her wedding, take care of her kids, rent, buy her cars, were about to buy her a house, etc and she loves to rub it in our face. We've learned to ignore it and if anything it has motivated us to work harder and rub it in their face what we can do without their help.

[Anonymous]

This is why men should be paid more than women. Men don't get the daughter/woman subsidy provided to them by family, boy friends and husbands.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they do love her more. But they're crippling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH seems to mostly made peace with the circumstances. Use his experience to not revisit the same pattern with your own children. That is about the only real lesson from it.

I second this. Your husband and you are independent and functioning fine. It's normal for him to feel some anger and wistfulness over this twisted family dynamic, but as an adult we just have to accept, separate, and move forward. There's nothing you can and should do about how things are between his parents and his sister. Just be glad you and he are more healthy than that. And think ahead and talk with him about what it teaches you regarding how you'll treat your kids and what you'll not expect from their paternal grandparents.

[Anonymous]

When SIL got married ILs paid thousands of dollars so she could upgrade her kitchen counters. We got a cutting board that they had already used and were upgrading themselves.

Some families have gross disparities. OP, I suggest you just get over it.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is 40 years old and lives with her preteen child, at her 65 year old mother's house (and always has). MIL pays all the bills, even her freaking car insurance, groceries, everything.
SIL contributes $200 a month rent, and pays her own cell phone bill. SIL purposely works at a shitty minimum wage job to ensure she gets the most child support possible from the guy that knocked her up. While my MIL does the lion share of raising SIL's kid.
Still has to ask Mom's permission for everything. Can't openly date because she will get in "trouble".
It's all really absurd.