Sibling misinforming about sick parent

[Anonymous]

When was the last time you saw your mom? Alzheimer's doesn't happen overnight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could be some financial shenanigans the sibling is trying to hide.

Or, OP does not want to believe parent is ill and refuses to pitch in and help. OP is out for the money,

Yeah. I see red flags when it comes to OP. Something doesn't seem right

Exactly. You think your parent's caretaker injured her and put her in the hospital, and you're not on your first flight out there to check on what's happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call the hospital and ask what is going on. If they did, they may have done so to get the parent into a nursing home bed as that is one of the only ways to do it as its hard without private pay to get in.

If you do not like the care your sibling is providing, step up and help. Bring mom/dad into your home and deal with it.

Parent is in another state with sibling, and refuses to leave sibling, so that is not an option.

Parent has been moved to nursing home, and is going downhill very quickly.

Other than giving money and visiting every week, and neglecting my own family, all of which I am doing, what else should I be doing?

[Anonymous]

Also, sibling has instructed nursing home not to release any information to anyone else; through whatever legal measures. Since I am not a medical doctor (if there is one here, that would be great, but I don't expect it), I am wondering what else. I suppose I expected more educated answers.

[Anonymous]

If you are visiting every week, why do you need updates from your sibling?

Frankly, it sounds like you are suspicious of your sibling, going so far as to accuse them of lying and physically harming your parent. If these allegations are true, then your sibling would naturally not be sharing information with you. If they aren't, your sibling is probably aware of your attitude and offended.

Something smells off about your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the hospital and ask what is going on. If they did, they may have done so to get the parent into a nursing home bed as that is one of the only ways to do it as its hard without private pay to get in.

If you do not like the care your sibling is providing, step up and help. Bring mom/dad into your home and deal with it.

Parent is in another state with sibling, and refuses to leave sibling, so that is not an option.

Parent has been moved to nursing home, and is going downhill very quickly.

Other than giving money and visiting every week, and neglecting my own family, all of which I am doing, what else should I be doing?

If parent is long distance, how are you visiting weekly? Why would you be giving money? Either pay the nursing home directly or buy parent what they need as they have no need for money. How are you neglecting your family by visiting weekly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are visiting every week, why do you need updates from your sibling?

Frankly, it sounds like you are suspicious of your sibling, going so far as to accuse them of lying and physically harming your parent. If these allegations are true, then your sibling would naturally not be sharing information with you. If they aren't, your sibling is probably aware of your attitude and offended.

Something smells off about your story.

OP is the scam. If parent is going down hill quickly, the only easy way is to have that parent hospitalized in order to get them in a nursing home quickly under medicare (then transfer to medicaid if they have no money). It took me almost a year to find a nursing home without a hospitalization and it was a nightmare caring for that person in our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, sibling has instructed nursing home not to release any information to anyone else; through whatever legal measures. Since I am not a medical doctor (if there is one here, that would be great, but I don't expect it), I am wondering what else. I suppose I expected more educated answers.

Then go to court and get a court order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When was the last time you saw your mom? Alzheimer's doesn't happen overnight

No, its a progression but many do not recognize the progression. My MIL family and her other son thought she was lying when she was rapidly declining,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are visiting every week, why do you need updates from your sibling?

Frankly, it sounds like you are suspicious of your sibling, going so far as to accuse them of lying and physically harming your parent. If these allegations are true, then your sibling would naturally not be sharing information with you. If they aren't, your sibling is probably aware of your attitude and offended.

Something smells off about your story.

OP is the scam. If parent is going down hill quickly, the only easy way is to have that parent hospitalized in order to get them in a nursing home quickly under medicare (then transfer to medicaid if they have no money). It took me almost a year to find a nursing home without a hospitalization and it was a nightmare caring for that person in our home.

Can you read? The parent IS already in a nursing home. Try to keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, sibling has instructed nursing home not to release any information to anyone else; through whatever legal measures. Since I am not a medical doctor (if there is one here, that would be great, but I don't expect it), I am wondering what else. I suppose I expected more educated answers.

Then go to court and get a court order.

Thank you for your productive, informed and informative post.

[Anonymous]

IP, you're not providing enough clear info to get a clear answer. You mentioned abuse, then didn't speak of it in your follow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could be some financial shenanigans the sibling is trying to hide.

Or, OP does not want to believe parent is ill and refuses to pitch in and help. OP is out for the money,

Yeah. I see red flags when it comes to OP. Something doesn't seem right

Exactly. You think your parent's caretaker injured her and put her in the hospital, and you're not on your first flight out there to check on what's happening?

OP here. I did, and have been several times (at least once per week, running out of time off very quickly). I tried suggesting "Caring Bridge", but as soon as the sibling figured out what it was, what purpose it served (and that it was not a go fund me type campaign) - sibling refused to post. Of course, I haven't enough information to post, as I am not a point of contact, and the nurses won't give me any information. All I can do is sit with my parent in the nursing home, and parent is asleep most of the time. As you know, this also means I can not determine what drug parent is on; again - if one is not on point of contact list, one is screwed. Hopefully this is clear by now? Is anyone actually familiar - that would be most helpful. I know it is tempting to chime in and heckle a stranger in need - perhaps some people see life differently than I?????

[Anonymous]

What kind of feedback are you specifically looking for, OP? How to get information about your mother's care? How to protect your mother from your sibling? You may want to contact a social worker at the nursing home - maybe they will be able to facilitate a family meeting or offer some guidance.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need medical POA to be given medical information about your parent's treatment. That has nothing to do with Caring Bridge or any of those types of sites.

I have a parent with Alzheimers who lives out of state. It is never definitively diagnosed, since it requires a brain autopsy to be certain. A neurologist would typically diagnose it by ruling other causes of dementia out. It's not always precise - in my father's case, they initially thought it was vascular dementia but after time and more MRIs determined it was Alzheimers.

Believe me, your sibling can't just toss your parent in a skilled nursing facility because s/he want to do that - you have to have an underlying medical need, and then either you shell out a lot of money ($9k per month in our case) or you find a rare bed for someone on Medicaid. And no nursing home is going to medicate an elderly person who is otherwise healthy. Unfortunately a lot of Alzheimer's patients require some meds to sleep without disturbance or to minimize anxiety and other psych conditions.

Fwiw OP, even if you don't believe the diagnosis, it's probably accurate. A lot of Alzheimer's patients have amazing coping skills - they typically learn to fake greater comprehension as a way of compensating for their deficits when they're still aware. My father charms everyone he meets. But he doesn't know what day it is, or where he is, or how old he is; he's incontinent and can't eat solid food. And he often describes events that we know are purely delusional.