the ultimatum
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Anonymous
You are not making sense. Look, if its weed and you believe he is going to spiral to doing cocaine or heroin randomly I doubt that will happen unless he has already used those recreationally. Of course the type of drug and frequency will impact answers. Your "tough love" approach sounds like its failing and if you really want people to answer and give advice you need to be more clear on the situation. We have had TONS of drug use on my mothers side, all varying kinds. But I am not going to answer you based on what you have posted, because it makes no sense. |
Anonymous
| OP- if he is using opiates of any kind - this can't be kicked on his own. Unfortunately, rock bottom is probably much worse that you would think. You can try talking to a drug counselor to get help on what you can do. (from experience) |
Anonymous
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OP - You do not indicate the age of your son as if he is an adult he will more easily be able to get services if he can no longer remain at home than being underage. I get it that you have probably spent a lot of money and mental anguish in trying to get him the help he needs, and for whatever reason he just does not fully participate. So far all he is perhaps hearing is either our home/our rules, but maybe he needs to know that there are options if he does not like what you and DW are offering him. [b]I wonder if there would be any "shock value" if you or DW took time to get a list of the local agencies/programs in your area which he would have to turn if really on his own. Calmly sharing the information, relevant pamphlets in a folder with him might just help him to see all that he has going for him in one place. It might include: - Area Homeless Shelter(s) with a notation about alcohol or drug use rules - Other Area Free Meals Programs, Food Banks to pick up food, and/or local DSS for SNAP (Food Stamps) -f he should crash with other pals - Local Department of Social Services to apply for Medicaid Health Insurance if he is over 18 and now "a family of one" and dropped from family coverage - Agency serving those with Mental Health and/or Substance Abuse issues - Area Free Clinic or Hospital ER to go for health care - Local Employment Center for assistance in finding a job[ - AA or NA Group Contact as needed for support - Bus Route Map as he will no longer have a car as you will not be paying for it nor paying for insurance on it[b] To date for him so far it has been all about him choosing to do what he wants to do and always having a place to crash for sleep, for food, for clothes, probably for transportation, for health care, for money. He needs to see not only is it a yes/no answer to your ultimatium, but what it will take of him just trying to survive on his own. A couple of things to know is that if his drinking or drug abuse continues so much as to make him disabled, he will never qualify for Medicaid Health Insurance so perhaps if there is one thing you might do for him in his own best interest assuming he will need at least mental heal services is keep him on the family health insurance. He can live out of the home, work and even be married through age 26. ***And by then if he was moving in a forward direction, but still not able to afford health insurance of the quality the family has, one could COBRA him through age 29. a- In our instance a very high functioning daughter who did everything right did still have mental health issues in college and later in her final year of grad school. And we kept her on our insurance through COBRA rules at that time up to age 24 I think, and woudn't you know issues started just as she came off. Anyway, we were forced to tell her to get it together or stay in the area where she was in a student and get mental health services through the local agency as we just did not have the funds to help any more. And were at out wits end, too. She did pull it together, got her masters degree and today is married, works for the government and has two young children, **but it was a rough decade age 18 - 26 - and then she got a very serious cancer......talk about a double whammy punch for all of us. b- Another close friend decided to keep her daughter on their health insurance policy through COBRA even though she married because in NOVA she had very, very bad seasonal allergies and was not working regularly, married and still not in good health. On a policy less than theirs she would never have gotten the level of care for the life threatening allergies and testing needed to finally come up with the right mix of meds. Then she got pregnant and about $200,000 later in a lot of in-home care, delivered a full-term healthy baby. And now seemingly after two springs of hell and rushing to the ER, has her health back and is finally able to demonstrate she can hold a job and has a good solid reference again. The point of these two examples is that there can be limits to what one can offer and also important decisions not to make in haste or anger which might help a PITA teen/young adult in the future. It would appear that you and DW have done all you can and you do need to think of your other children, and it very realistic to say that because of "his choices" of not doing what is offered, you will not let him take your family down financially. |
Anonymous
OP if you look around at what those who are most experienced in dealing with drug problems say, they all seem to agree one of the most harmful myths out there is that a person has to hit rock bottom before they can be rehabilitated. This is so NOT true. It is also not true that the person has to want to be rehabbed in order for it to be a success. In fact, court mandated rehabbers have the same success rate as those who go into rehab voluntarily. Rock bottom for some of these drugs is death because the risk of overdose is so great. I think that the rock bottom thing comes from alcoholism. While there is some possibility someone dies from alcohol poisoning, rock bottom for an alcoholic is typically losing a job, losing a family, Bowrey Row, etc. It is not death. But illegal dugs are not manufactured in accordance with FDA standards. Death takes just a bit too much purity in the drugs, or a bit too much impurities, even though the addict takes exactly the same dose he always has. In short, rock bottom is not where you want your son to land with illegal drug use (assuming we are not talking about marijuana). I have had a child OD in my house. Luckily the friend they were with alerted me and 911 was able to save the day. One thing I am very convinced of is that no parent should have to watch their child almost die from an overdose. I am the PP who instituted biweekly drug tests. I couldn't test for a while once owing to a business trip and child told me on return they had slipped up majorly and were now addicted (not just using occasionally). I had researched inpatient rehabs and had talked to a place in advance and got them in immediately. Had to do at home detox as well. For various reasons child left inpatient rehab and with my agreement went with a combination of therapist and NA. Child became very active in NA and remains so. Life is back on track despite the most unfortunate detour. |
Anonymous
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I can tell you my husband's experience as a teenage alcoholic/drug addict. I've posted many times on here so if you've read this before, skip over it. He entered rehab at 19 after being kicked out of college. Never hit "rock bottom" because his parents were always quite oblivious to what was going on with him. He has been sober since then, 20+ years without drugs/alcohol and gone on to a Ph.D.
Moving back to your situation. I've read your posts before (I think) and it sounds like you are at war with your son at this point. There is constant sneaking around, lying, manipulation. You don't approve of any of his friends. What rules can both of you live with? If the answer is none, it seems like he can't live there anymore. I don't think tossing him out on the street is the answer, but rehab + sober living afterward might be. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I did. She's now a productive adult. It was hell |
Anonymous
I wouldn't kick out my kid for non-daily use if he hadn't already gone through at least one course of rehab. My fundamental duty as a parent is to feed, house, and care for my kid. I'm not going to intentionally fail in that duty until I've tried everything else. And no, hitting rock bottom is not necessary. Not to mention, being homeless is going to be a lot worse for him in terms of his health, safety, and future prospects than moderate, occasional drug use. |
Anonymous
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OP, what you are suggesting is what my parents did to my brother. At this point, no one knows where he is. He choose the option of leaving -- at 18. Things did not get better for him when he was without a safety next. He enlisted in the army, but that didn't stop the drug use, when he as discharged he worked construction, got hurt, used more drugs as a result, he moved on to other low skill jobs, was arrested a few times, and last time anyone heard from him was ten years ago when he was supposedly living in a tent.
My parents saw it as tough love. I view it as abandonment. There are in between paths. I would only cut off a family member the way my parents did my brother if the behavior was truly poisonous to the rest of the family. |
Anonymous
I also thought prescription medication. OP, get him enrolled in a Suboxone treatment. It quells withdrawal symptoms and negates the high of opiates, should he try to take them while being treated. I'd go away somewhere to remove him from the environment and allow the medication to sink in for a couple of weeks. What other life changes can you introduce? If it's kids at school who are providing the meds, could you change schools? What is he self-medicating for? Can you uncover that and replace the meds for something more positive? I've heard exercise is amazingly effective when coming off of opiates. I think Elton John supported Eminem when he found he had a serious issue with pain killers. Only you know where to draw the line. I don't blame you for not providing more info/context. The specifics don't matter that much. If you've reached the point where you're considering this ultimatum, you have to look inside and see how far you are willing to go. Good luck on finding your path. |
Anonymous
| If it's opiates get him on Vivitrol/naltrexone. Unlike suboxone it is not addictive and does not require a second withdrawal to get off of it. Vivitrol blocks opiate receptors and can be given as a once a month shot. |
Anonymous
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If he's under 18, you can't just kick him out. CPS could get involved, you could be charged with abandonment and any younger kids you have in the house are at risk of being removed and placed into foster care.
Also I don't know if some states are different but the PP who said people become ineligible for Medicare if their addiction is what disabled them is certainly not right about most states, or about federal disability benefits. I agree you should keep kid on your health insurance as long as possible though. |