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[quote=Anonymous]
OP - You do not indicate the age of your son as if he is an adult he will more easily be able to get services if he can no longer remain at home than being underage.  I get it that you have probably spent a lot of money and mental anguish in trying to get him the help he needs, and for whatever reason he just does not fully participate.  So far all he is perhaps hearing is either our home/our rules, but maybe he needs to know that there are options if he does not like what you and DW are offering him.   [b]I wonder if there would be any "shock value" if you or DW took time to get a list of the local agencies/programs in your area which he would have to turn if really on his own.  Calmly sharing the information, relevant pamphlets in a folder with him might just help him to see all that he has going for him in one place.  It might include:

- Area Homeless Shelter(s) with a notation about alcohol or drug use rules
- Other Area Free Meals Programs, Food Banks to pick up food, and/or local DSS for SNAP (Food Stamps) -f he should crash with other pals
- Local Department of Social Services to apply for Medicaid Health Insurance if he is over 18 and now "a family of one" and dropped from family coverage
- Agency serving those with Mental Health and/or Substance Abuse issues
- Area Free Clinic or Hospital ER to go for health care
- Local Employment Center for assistance in finding a job[
- AA or NA Group Contact as needed for support
- Bus Route Map as he will no longer have a car as you will not be paying for it nor paying for insurance on it[b]

To date for him so far it has been all about him choosing to do what he wants to do and always having a place to crash for sleep, for food, for clothes, probably for transportation, for health care, for money.  He needs to see not only is it a yes/no answer to your ultimatium, but what it will take of him just trying to survive on his own.

A couple of things to know is that if his drinking or drug abuse continues so much as to make him disabled, he will never qualify for Medicaid Health Insurance so perhaps if there is one thing you might do for him in his own best interest assuming he will need at least mental heal services is keep him on the family health insurance.  He can live out of the home, work and even be married through age 26.  ***And by then if he was moving in a forward direction, but still not able to afford health insurance of the quality the family has, one could COBRA him through age 29.

a- In our instance a very high functioning daughter who did everything right did still have mental health issues in college and later in her final year of grad school.  And we kept her on our insurance through COBRA rules at that time up to age 24 I think, and woudn't you know issues started just as she came off.  Anyway, we were forced to tell her to get it together or stay in the area where she was in a student and get mental health services through the local agency as we just did not have the funds to help any more.  And were at out wits end, too.  She did pull it together, got her masters degree and today is married, works for the government and has two young children, **but it was a rough decade age 18 - 26 - and then she got a very serious cancer......talk about a double whammy punch for all of us.

b- Another close friend decided to keep her daughter on their health insurance policy through COBRA even though she married because in NOVA she had very, very bad seasonal allergies and was not working regularly, married and still not in good health.  On a policy less than theirs she would never have gotten the level of care for the life threatening allergies and testing needed to finally come up with the right mix of meds.  Then she got pregnant and about $200,000 later in a lot of in-home care, delivered a full-term healthy baby.  And now seemingly after two springs of hell and rushing to the ER, has her health back and is finally able to demonstrate she can hold a job and has a good solid reference again.

The point of these two examples is that there can be limits to what one can offer and also important decisions not to make in haste or anger which might help a PITA teen/young adult in the future.  It would appear that you and DW have done all you can and you do need to think of your other children, and it very realistic to say that because of "his choices" of not doing what is offered, you will not let him take your family down financially.[/quote]

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