Daughter, age 7,afraid of dance recital

[Anonymous]

Yes, she has to go and she has to get on stage. What will happen is it won't be as bad as she thinks. Talk to the teacher and ask if DD can be in the back row and near the side. All the girls will be nervous but she will do it and be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in a dance program (once a week) all year and they have a recital Saturday. She had s dress rehearsal tonight and freaked out, cried and said she didn't want to do the recital. dH was there so I didn't see it but I've seen here react that way before in a public event or party. They came home early from the dress rehearsal.

This is not surprising behavior, she has been afraid of too much public attention before.

Not sure whether to go to the recital or not? She liked the class all year but it's events like these that she hates and doesn't seem ready for it. Then again, I want her to at least try to go if she can.

Any advice appreciated.

This will get flamed to the last ash but if you set a precedence for quitting now she will likely follow that pattern. Focus on talking to her about her commitment to the class and how this is the finish line. No matter what happens (even if she freezes, which at that age is not out of the norm) talk up the performance and how proud you are of her. Build her confidence, not her list of excuses to use when life gets tough.

I agree that too many parents let their kids quit things that are tough, but rhe time to make them push throuh is when they aren't going to a) bomb in a public and embarassing way and b) ruin other kids' experience. If the parents haven't been working on this all along and haven't set an expectation that sometimes we have to do hard things, this is not the time to suddenly change course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's only 7. I would let her skip it. Not worth traumatizing her. If you're lenient about it, hopefully she'll continue to love dance and as her confidence grows she may become more ready for public recitals. If you force Her to do it and she cries and screams through the whole thing, you'll probably never get her to go to another dance class again. Plus she'll disrupt the recital for the other kids. Take it easy on her, my $.2 cents.

x1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the teacher IMMEDIATELY so she can close the gap on stage and the spacing doesn't look weird.

Take your daughter to WATCH the recital. Tell her "This year you can just watch. Next year, you'll perform."

No. Not if she doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

I am on the bring her side OP. See if the teacher will let her go onstage before they open the house to get comfortable with the stage.

Did they run full lights with a darkened house or was the house dim? That makes a huge difference. When the house lights are down and the stage lights up, your daughter won't be able to see the audience beyond the first row (hopefully full of familiar teachers)

Do the kids her age sit with the parents until a few numbers before, or corraled in the back with an unfamiliar volunteer supervising them. One way might make a difference with nerves over another.

Talk to the teacher for sure. This is not the first time they have helped a kid overcome stage fright.

Let her finish the commitment. Dance is not like soccer or baseball. There is one "game" after an entire season of practice. Sports are instant gratification. Dance is patience and commitment and delayed gratification. Try to get her to do it. She will be so proud of herself and will also learn important lessons she can only learn from a tiny handful of childrens sports.

[Anonymous]

I am a dance teacher and have dealt with this many times. I see two personalities in children. Think of it like teaching a kid to swim. Some kids you can just throw in the water and they will figure it out. Some you will throw in the water and they will flail, cry, and never swim again. You probably know your daughter's personality enough to know how she will do.

I personally try to throw most kids on stage. The lights are bright so they can't see the crowd, their teacher will be sitting down in the pit for them to watch, and at her age, once she's on stage she most likely will get it together.

I worked at a studio once where the studio owner sprinkled "fairy dust" (glitter) on the kids, gave them a kiss, and sent them out. It gave a lot of the younger ones that extra boost of confidence. You may try something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make her go to the recital, but she doesn't have to go on stage. That allows her to change her mind if she feels up to it at the last moment but also doesn't put anxiety-producing pressure on her.

I would absolutely tell her teacher that she's struggling because the teacher has probably seen it and has tricks to use to encourage her.

This is probably what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Dance teacher here (Perhaps even at your studio!)

Did she go on stage during Dress Rehearsal or freak out before even getting to that point?

Call the studio/email the teacher immediately to let them know. (There will be spacing issues to fix, but usually at age 7 they are standing in 2 straight lines or a V so it will be easy to fix quickly)

Have her attend recital on Saturday... if there are 2 shows and you are in the later show - come early just to watch the first one.


If you email the teacher today - ask if she can talk with your DD between shows... give her a quick pep talk, hugs, etc. (We are super busy recital day, but ALWAYS have time for pep talks and hugs!)

Have her wear her costume and sit with her class back stage-- btu tell her she doesn't have to go on stage if she doesn't want too. Make if very clear that you will be in the audience and will meet her before she goes on stage if she doesn't want to do it - but that she will have fun in the dressing room with her class.

Our studio has a live feed back stage while the kids wait/color/ play games etc. So she can be dressed up with her class and then if she is still not wanting to go on stage- have the parent volunteer txt you if you should come get her.

Don't just follow along in the program and pop back - because she could be ready and excited but seeing you could make her remember she had an out

There will ALWAYS be kids who freak out on recital day. Even some who did great at dress rehearsal. It is not the end of the world. But there are also kids who get there and are nervous - but then get on stage and love it and are so proud of themselves.

Try not to mention "stage fright" at all. Just talk about how much fun dance was, and how they are a team, and they get to wear this great costume and have so much fun!

She might also have the option of standing backstage with the teacher to watch the class which is sometimes fun- and then the teacher will bring her on at the end just for the bow.

[Anonymous]

She dances. Everybody has stage fright. Let her teacher deal with this. If you let her skip the recital, she will regret it and feel like a failure. If you allow her to give into stage fright it just teaches her that it is all right to give up when things are difficult.

[Anonymous]

If she does not perform, she will drop dance. If she goes through with it, then she can decide to drop dance. There is no way she will skip the recital and have a chance at continuing next year. This is exactly what performance is all about.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

some interesting replies. Just a bit more background here.

Daughter has had more than a few episodes of social anxiety. She was scared of even one on one playdates at one point, and has been scared to go to a birthday party or read aloud in class. She hates any spotlight on her.

She has also grown tremendously this past year (1st grade) and she enjoyed going to the dance class every week.

When I signed her up for this, I knew it was 50/50 that she would want to do the recital, so it's fine to me if she enjoyed 90% of the year and does not do the recital at age 7.

It is the type of recital where kids of all ages are corralled in the back waiting for their parents and are separated from them. It is not Julliard though, and DH said he saw one other 7 year old class on stage for 5 minutes max.

If I force her to go, she will not go on, or she will cry even backstage and just be a total mess.

this is not a commitment issue. This is a social anxiety issue.

The teachers have all been very understanding and it is not putting out anyone if she does not come--DH told them after the blow up at the rehearsal that she may not come.

I also think it's the kind of thing she can work on as she grows older--she's really not likely to do the same thing at age 12 or 14.

Thanks all--still thinking through how to handle these things on-going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

some interesting replies. Just a bit more background here.

Daughter has had more than a few episodes of social anxiety. She was scared of even one on one playdates at one point, and has been scared to go to a birthday party or read aloud in class. She hates any spotlight on her.

She has also grown tremendously this past year (1st grade) and she enjoyed going to the dance class every week.

When I signed her up for this, I knew it was 50/50 that she would want to do the recital, so it's fine to me if she enjoyed 90% of the year and does not do the recital at age 7.

It is the type of recital where kids of all ages are corralled in the back waiting for their parents and are separated from them. It is not Julliard though, and DH said he saw one other 7 year old class on stage for 5 minutes max.

If I force her to go, she will not go on, or she will cry even backstage and just be a total mess.

this is not a commitment issue. This is a social anxiety issue.

The teachers have all been very understanding and it is not putting out anyone if she does not come--DH told them after the blow up at the rehearsal that she may not come.

I also think it's the kind of thing she can work on as she grows older--she's really not likely to do the same thing at age 12 or 14.

Thanks all--still thinking through how to handle these things on-going.

Yes, that's what the OMG COMMITMENT crowd doesn't get. To them, how a child feels is unimportant.

Fortunately, your daughter has a better mother than that.

Follow her lead. And don't make continuing to get dance lessons, if she enjoys them, conditional to taking part in the recital. That's nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Mom of serious teen dancer here. Many a passionate dancer is an introvert, including ours. She loved dance so much she has gotten over it and adores performing.

As the dance teacher said above, you know your daughter and based on what you said in reply, I would let DD decide what she's ready for - honestly, dance is a form of creative self expression. Your daughter is getting plenty out of class. Who cares if she doesn't go on stage this year. If she continues, as she gets older, you can always mention at times (but not too frequently), how you hope she will share her beautiful gift of expression to others on stage some day. She will get there or she won't.

I'd hate to see a sensitive sort like her lose her enjoyment of this activity by getting more anxious!

[Anonymous]

Social anxiety is very real. And crippling to the affected child she is 7. If she is too anxious, support her, love her and watch the show from the audience.

My son was like this. After a good amount of therapy, he is now very comfortable in his own skin. I don't regret the money or time we spent at all. Investment in his future.

I think you are making wise choices. Ignore the "she can't be a quitter" people - because she isn't a quitter.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar boat a few weeks ago with my seven year old. In her case, she had only taken one dance class before having to make a commitment either way for the recital. She chose to do it, but later changed her mind (with an in-class panic attack).

We went back and forth, but she hadn't even had many lessons at that point - a recital seemed to ask a lot of her. And like your child, she had shown severe anxiety in other situations. Her teacher was very understanding when she dropped out a few weeks before the recital, and was able to re-block the dance.

And as it turns out, DD was throwing up the day of the mandatory dress rehearsal. If your daughter withdraws from the recital, it won't be the first or last time they suddenly had one fewer dancer.