ADHD - Break it down for me.

[Anonymous]

Without meds my middle child would be in a special school or a juvenile detention facility. Or perhaps he would not have lived long enough to get to this point. I wish this were hyperbole, but it is not.
Sanctimonious rants like the PP above remind me that there are hateful, ignorant people out there who might actually wish misery on children. Though I know I should model better behavior and think kinder "more Christian" thoughts, I wish nothing but ill will for people like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These unproven meds change the brain development of such young children.

Anecdotes do not qualify as scientific proof. This is a very HIGH profit market.

BEWARE.

Oh, stop. They've been studying the effects of ritalin for DECADES.

Not the pp. but there have been many studies on adolescents that have shown medicating ADHD has no long term benefit. Studies have also shown it is addictive. It can also cause depression. So, why give it to a six year old?

It's easiest and quickest thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell it to me straight - what is life like with a kid like this? My son just turned 6, was just diagnosed and started medication, and I have days where I feel like I want to run away. I love him intensely, but I also have moments where he pushes my patience to the limit and I want to run away and never come back. School is a battle. Doing sports or lessons is a battle. "Listen, listen, listen, pay attention, stop doing that, listen, pay attention, focus, stop doing that". I imagine his teachers will be glad to be done with him this year, since this is no doubt what they deal with all day every day, while trying to teach other kids.

My life is with a husband, son, and daughter like this. My husband learned good coping skills as a child in an unsupported environment (was not diagnosed till college) but has some self esteem issues that goes hand in hand with not being supported for his issues through childhood. My kids - it seems you never know when some disaster is going to fly out of no where and you need to schedule yet another meeting at school. They are in high school and middle school now.

Words of advice:

1) Don't always react in the moment when things go wrong. Life with people with ADHD is not perfect. Pick and choose the battles and it is ok to let them learn from their mistakes. It is not your job to always jump in and rescue them. Some of the best lessons are the ones in which they get that 0 or miss out on an opportunity because then they understand the cost of being unprepared. Practice deep breathing, giving yourself a timeout, or exercise break so you can make a rationale decision of when to step in and when to just let the consequences play out.

2) Try to set up routines and structure in the house to help with organization. Keys and work ID in a bowl (for my husband), keys with a pull out chain in backpacks (for my kids), packing lunches and homework in backpacks the night before, oversized calendars for family activities, individual oversized calendars in bedrooms for kid activities and assignments, always tell them you need to leave 15 minutes earlier than you really do, etc. Planning ahead helps to minimize household stress and anxiety for everyone. You also are teaching coping skills that will help your children as they eventually become adults.

3) Give your kids chores in the house. The most important is keeping their room organized and clean. At a minimum - once a week. However, it helps if they spend 15 minutes per day (making bed - can't tell you how many things get lost in a messy bed) so the chore doesn't overwhelm them. Other chores - emptying and filling dishwasher, vacuuming, folding clothes, cleaning bathrooms, etc. teach them responsibility of keep the whole house clean and keeping things organized. Everyone chips in and it can get done in little time.

4) Stop the hoarding. I don't know if every person with ADHD is like this but my kids have a hard time discriminating what is important and what can be let go. This especially applies to school and their binders. I buy 2 - 3" binders for the year. They then will have a fresh, empty notebook in the new semester and the old one is stored on a shelf for reference. Clearing out clothes either damaged or too small, toys not wanted, etc. helps clear the clutter and maintain an organized environment.

5) Get in the habit of everyone writing down to do lists. I find it helpful to sit down right before bed to make a to do list for the next day so I know what to get started on first thing. For your child, it might be better to do when they get home from school to make a quick to do list of all their homework subjects.

6) Realize with ADHD, they cannot focus for long periods of time but they also procrastinate. My kids eat a snack when they come home, make their lists, then work on homework for 30-45 minutes, take a 20 minute break or do an afterschool activity, come back and do homework, etc. For the breaks, we set timers so they know when break time is over.

Hope this helps.

This is such a helpful list! My DD has ADHD and I'm pretty sure now that DH has it too. It has just explained so much of why our relationship has been the way it has been. I'm now learning about how to have a more ADHD-friendly lifestyle.

Just wanted to comment on the part I bolded. I'm doing anything and everything to support my daughter but it's really so eye-opening, humbling, and scary to know how much ADHD is tied to self esteem.

I've really had to take care of myself too. Extend that patience. I started going to meditation classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness. Please stop, 11:14. Hijacking this thread in order to spout your "insight" is not appropriate.

I'm 11:14. My insight is appropriate. My child has ADD. And he takes straterra, which is currently the only approved ADHD drug in the U.S. That is not addictive. I've done my homework. And I've weighed medicating my child against all the evidence and studies. I can factually state the side effects. I was not "judge mental". You read your own judgement into it. Doctors do not recommend medicating six year olds. Period. There have not been enough studies on this age group to show long term effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell it to me straight - what is life like with a kid like this? My son just turned 6, was just diagnosed and started medication, and I have days where I feel like I want to run away. I love him intensely, but I also have moments where he pushes my patience to the limit and I want to run away and never come back. School is a battle. Doing sports or lessons is a battle. "Listen, listen, listen, pay attention, stop doing that, listen, pay attention, focus, stop doing that". I imagine his teachers will be glad to be done with him this year, since this is no doubt what they deal with all day every day, while trying to teach other kids.

OP you asked what life if like with an ADHD kid- in my opinion, it depends on the type of ADHD and how much the symptoms impair the child.

A young boy who is hyperactive, impulsive, distractible, socially immature and tends toward power struggles is hard, hard, hard. I did not think I would survive my son's preschool years, and apparently his ADHD is mild to moderate! Our son is eight now and unmedicated. Here is what got better:

1. Far less physically impulsive
2. Can reason when he's not in meltdown mode
3. Self aware enough that he does *not* want to embarrass himself with a public meltdown. Yea! We can go to restaurants and on vacations without that worry.
4. Hyperactivity is managed through individual sports and piano (an awesome two minute break during homework, play some scales)
5. Fits at home now rarely involve any destructive or physical aggression. He is starting to go to his room when he's close to blowing the roof off.
6. Can make a transition without a major problem

Still a challenge:
1. Physical impulsivity has become verbal impulsivity- interrupts, says things he wishes he hadn't, one-sided conversations. All of this is hard for him socially.
2. Still emotionally overreactive- especially outward at home where he feels comfortable
3. Fidgets and needs to get up during homework, and sometimes during dinner
4. Has trouble sustaining attention through long tasks like multistep math problems, or grammar/reading worksheets.

ADDitude is a magazine and website devoted to ADHD. They have a lot of parenting tips. I with the people who stress organization. I will add a few things that help us a lot:

1. Set the boundary ahead of time. If you're going to be doing something and you think it might cause a behavior problem, talk with your son about your expectations. Be clear and concrete about what is expected and what will happen if expectations aren't met.

2. I only fight the battles that need to be fought and I am very consistent about expectations. Kids with ADHD can often tend to get "stuck" which leads to meltdowns if it's not handled well. It's why I set boundaries in advance, provide time and tools (e.g. a timer) for transitions, and de-escalate when I notice that my son is becoming emotional.

3. Therapy- in DS's case, social skills therapy. My son is beginning to "see" what he's doing, when he's doing it, and occasionally stop himself. It's a huge step forward- but keep in mind, his ADHD isn't severe. If he had more severe symptoms, he would probably need medication to do this. I would opt for therapy- either social skills or behavioral therapy even if my son took medication. Regardless of anyone's opinions about medication, it's not a permanent solution. The skill building needs to happen.

It's not so bad- and because your son is so young, some of the really hard things will probably get a lot better over time.

[Anonymous]

20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

20:41 here-- Maybe this isn't your dilemma at all, but I found it easier to parent my son when I accepted his challenges. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I think our earlier battles happened, in part, because I was anxious about his behavior and eventual diagnosis. Now, I know why he does what he does, but I can also look back and see the strides he has made.

I think too, that I am more flexible in how I approach situations. I know that my job is to teach him coping skills and self-monitoring, and as I get better at this parenting thing, my actions for the most part, reflect the big picture.

Not sure if someone mentioned this to you, but try Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School." I had difficulty embracing his philosophy until I realized that traditional discipline often doesn't work (and can make things worse) for my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These unproven meds change the brain development of such young children.

Anecdotes do not qualify as scientific proof. This is a very HIGH profit market.

BEWARE.

The scientologists have arrived

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, 6 is very young to start medication. We suspected my son at 5-6, but waited until he was almost 8 for a diagnosis and medicine.he takes staterra, the only non addictive ADHD medication.
Second, six year olds are not meant to sit still. Learn to channel his energy and enthusiasm. There are many books on this topic.
It's hard. Many days I have yelled at him. But really, I need to learn how to deal better.
Fwiw, my son uses a stress ball at school. He squeezes it when he starts not paying attention as a way to bring him back into focus.

My DS started taking medication at 6. There was no way we could have waited until he was 8 to start medication. He could not function at school and was actually asked to leave a kindergarten. There is no "one-size fits all" when it comes to ADHD. Only you know what is best for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness. Please stop, 11:14. Hijacking this thread in order to spout your "insight" is not appropriate.

I'm 11:14. My insight is appropriate. My child has ADD. And he takes straterra, which is currently the only approved ADHD drug in the U.S. That is not addictive. I've done my homework. And I've weighed medicating my child against all the evidence and studies. I can factually state the side effects. I was not "judge mental". You read your own judgement into it. Doctors do not recommend medicating six year olds. Period. There have not been enough studies on this age group to show long term effects.

My child also takes Strattera and it is a bear to get the insurance company to cover. They first require a child to try several of the stimulant medicines and have them not work before they will cover Strattera- for one year and they we have to go through all the hoops again. Straterra is gong off patent for adults in the next year, but not for children for two more years. My DC will turn 18 the same month it goes off patent for children. Then we will be abel to use the generic that has been available for several years in other countries- but while it is not as expensive as Straterra it is costly and most families would find it hard to fund without insurance coverage.

So, even IF most parents would rather their child take a non-stimulant medication, the financial and insurance hurdles may be too great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- If you child has already started medication and his behavior is still the same on meds as off meds, perhaps it is time to try something else. My son's behavior was like night and day once he started meds. The impulsiveness, the constant talking, the inability to sit still and the combativeness about everything nearly went away completely on meds. He is so much more himself rather than his symptoms now. I would talk to the doctor about changing meds if his behavior has not improved.

Not OP, but my 6yo just started medication this weekend. Are you saying we should be seeing behavioral improvements this soon? It was the weekend, and a rather exciting weekend at that, and he seemed about the same to me. How long do we wait?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

20:41 here-- Maybe this isn't your dilemma at all, but I found it easier to parent my son when I accepted his challenges. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I think our earlier battles happened, in part, because I was anxious about his behavior and eventual diagnosis. Now, I know why he does what he does, but I can also look back and see the strides he has made.

I think too, that I am more flexible in how I approach situations. I know that my job is to teach him coping skills and self-monitoring, and as I get better at this parenting thing, my actions for the most part, reflect the big picture.

Not sure if someone mentioned this to you, but try Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School." I had difficulty embracing his philosophy until I realized that traditional discipline often doesn't work (and can make things worse) for my son.

How do you deal with other parents? With teachers? I am already tired of my child being labeled a "brat." He is far from a brat. He is a very caring child and he is fully aware that he can't control himself. When he does something wrong he is immediately remorseful. We are working to get the help and support we need for him and for us. It is so hard to see him struggle, and other adults are often judgmental and mean, both to him and to my husband and I as parents. You can feel the weight of it. "Why don't they control that kid? Why don't they discipline him? If I were his parent I would [fill in the blank.]" Or whatever other sanctimonious thoughts you can see going on behind their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- If you child has already started medication and his behavior is still the same on meds as off meds, perhaps it is time to try something else. My son's behavior was like night and day once he started meds. The impulsiveness, the constant talking, the inability to sit still and the combativeness about everything nearly went away completely on meds. He is so much more himself rather than his symptoms now. I would talk to the doctor about changing meds if his behavior has not improved.

Not OP, but my 6yo just started medication this weekend. Are you saying we should be seeing behavioral improvements this soon? It was the weekend, and a rather exciting weekend at that, and he seemed about the same to me. How long do we wait?

It depends on the medicine. Some require time to build up in the system while others have an immediate effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

20:41 here-- Maybe this isn't your dilemma at all, but I found it easier to parent my son when I accepted his challenges. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I think our earlier battles happened, in part, because I was anxious about his behavior and eventual diagnosis. Now, I know why he does what he does, but I can also look back and see the strides he has made.

I think too, that I am more flexible in how I approach situations. I know that my job is to teach him coping skills and self-monitoring, and as I get better at this parenting thing, my actions for the most part, reflect the big picture.

Not sure if someone mentioned this to you, but try Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School." I had difficulty embracing his philosophy until I realized that traditional discipline often doesn't work (and can make things worse) for my son.

How do you deal with other parents? With teachers? I am already tired of my child being labeled a "brat." He is far from a brat. He is a very caring child and he is fully aware that he can't control himself. When he does something wrong he is immediately remorseful. We are working to get the help and support we need for him and for us. It is so hard to see him struggle, and other adults are often judgmental and mean, both to him and to my husband and I as parents. You can feel the weight of it. "Why don't they control that kid? Why don't they discipline him? If I were his parent I would [fill in the blank.]" Or whatever other sanctimonious thoughts you can see going on behind their eyes.

It's not easy. I find myself limiting the people we hang out with to other like challenged families. It was really funny - my son met another boy while waiting at his younger brothers soccer game. Turned out we had kids on the same team (younger) and both older boys have ADD. They clicked. Much easier to have him play with someone that is on his own plane.
I also know yelling does not work. It escalates the situation. So in my case, when they see that I calmly talk to my son, and often it works to redirect him, they see that I know how to parent my child.
I also know that the ones that label my kid as a brat have their own challenges and secrets they don't think the rest of us know. But yeah, I heard from my son what their son was caught doing. So I don't let their sanctimonious attitude get to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20:41, thank you. We have an excellent psychologist working with him on skill building. I agree, as does she, that medication alone is not the answer.

20:41 here-- Maybe this isn't your dilemma at all, but I found it easier to parent my son when I accepted his challenges. I'm not doing it perfectly, but I think our earlier battles happened, in part, because I was anxious about his behavior and eventual diagnosis. Now, I know why he does what he does, but I can also look back and see the strides he has made.

I think too, that I am more flexible in how I approach situations. I know that my job is to teach him coping skills and self-monitoring, and as I get better at this parenting thing, my actions for the most part, reflect the big picture.

Not sure if someone mentioned this to you, but try Ross Greene's "The Explosive Child" and "Lost at School." I had difficulty embracing his philosophy until I realized that traditional discipline often doesn't work (and can make things worse) for my son.

How do you deal with other parents? With teachers? I am already tired of my child being labeled a "brat." He is far from a brat. He is a very caring child and he is fully aware that he can't control himself. When he does something wrong he is immediately remorseful. We are working to get the help and support we need for him and for us. It is so hard to see him struggle, and other adults are often judgmental and mean, both to him and to my husband and I as parents. You can feel the weight of it. "Why don't they control that kid? Why don't they discipline him? If I were his parent I would [fill in the blank.]" Or whatever other sanctimonious thoughts you can see going on behind their eyes.

It's not easy. I find myself limiting the people we hang out with to other like challenged families. It was really funny - my son met another boy while waiting at his younger brothers soccer game. Turned out we had kids on the same team (younger) and both older boys have ADD. They clicked. Much easier to have him play with someone that is on his own plane.
I also know yelling does not work. It escalates the situation. So in my case, when they see that I calmly talk to my son, and often it works to redirect him, they see that I know how to parent my child.
I also know that the ones that label my kid as a brat have their own challenges and secrets they don't think the rest of us know. But yeah, I heard from my son what their son was caught doing. So I don't let their sanctimonious attitude get to me.

I hear you. But that's pretty hard to do when we live on a street of kids. And I know people talk. It's mean, and it's hurtful. I can't believe adults behave this way. How do you know which kids have ADHD? You just ask? You mention that your kid has it? I'm being serious here. I'm doing my best to help him make friends and socialize but I'm at a bit of a loss.