Another MIL Wants to Move Closer Thread...Desperate for Help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to tell her. Give your DH one last warning with a crystal-clear deadline: tell them by the end of the weekend that they cannot move here, or I will tell them myself.

What does your DH mean when he says he'll "take care of it"? Maybe he doesn't fully understand your position?

If my wifer ever said something like this to me, we would have problems. It is absolutely fine to not want his parents to move here (although I do not see how you could stop them), but folks need to be careful about giving ultimatums and deadlines. You may get your way - but at a price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to tell her. Give your DH one last warning with a crystal-clear deadline: tell them by the end of the weekend that they cannot move here, or I will tell them myself.

What does your DH mean when he says he'll "take care of it"? Maybe he doesn't fully understand your position?

If my wifer ever said something like this to me, we would have problems. It is absolutely fine to not want his parents to move here (although I do not see how you could stop them), but folks need to be careful about giving ultimatums and deadlines. You may get your way - but at a price.

You would deserve it, if you kept telling your wife you would take care of it and then chickening out. It's disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very concerned my husband will back down.

FWIW, we don't need the help. As I mentioned before, we have the world's best nanny. Our household is pretty calm/organized despite having three little kids.

When in-laws are here, they cook everyone three meals a day and walk the dog. However, I love cooking/meal planning. I just go along with their cooking so my kids enjoy homestyle ethnic foods. They make these elaborate meals and leave me to clean up the kitchen. I'll spend 1-2 hours cleaning a night so I'm not really getting a break during their visit.

You don't have an in-law problem you have a marriage problem. If your husband is dismissing you, your needs, your feelings, your work, and your trust in him just to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation with someone else, that's a bit marriage problem. Another approach to take to this may be to be really honest with your husband on this front. "Given the past history here, I don't trust that you'll actually follow through on this while your parents are here. If your parents are going to come, I think we should see a marriage counselor to help us work through this issue."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to tell her. Give your DH one last warning with a crystal-clear deadline: tell them by the end of the weekend that they cannot move here, or I will tell them myself.

What does your DH mean when he says he'll "take care of it"? Maybe he doesn't fully understand your position?

If my wifer ever said something like this to me, we would have problems. It is absolutely fine to not want his parents to move here (although I do not see how you could stop them), but folks need to be careful about giving ultimatums and deadlines. You may get your way - but at a price.

You would deserve it, if you kept telling your wife you would take care of it and then chickening out. It's disrespectful.

It isn't if my wife is telling me to disrespect my parents.

[Anonymous]

I am a mother of young children too but I do not find myself empathizing here. You say you intentionally moved away from his family. Is there abuse or wildly inappropriate behavior or something? Otherwise this sounds like grandparents who want to be around to help with and enjoy their grandchildren. Many people wish they had that and many people make a lot of sacrifices to be near family. If I were your husband and you told me that you wanted to intentionally move away from my family and block them from ever moving near, I would be offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to tell her. Give your DH one last warning with a crystal-clear deadline: tell them by the end of the weekend that they cannot move here, or I will tell them myself.

What does your DH mean when he says he'll "take care of it"? Maybe he doesn't fully understand your position?

If my wifer ever said something like this to me, we would have problems. It is absolutely fine to not want his parents to move here (although I do not see how you could stop them), but folks need to be careful about giving ultimatums and deadlines. You may get your way - but at a price.

You would deserve it, if you kept telling your wife you would take care of it and then chickening out. It's disrespectful.

It isn't if my wife is telling me to disrespect my parents.

Yes it is! My god. You would be lying to your wife! If you don't want to tell your parents they can't stay, then say so to your wife! Don't just lie and say you'll do it and then flake out. It's childish and passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not wrong to tell her. Give your DH one last warning with a crystal-clear deadline: tell them by the end of the weekend that they cannot move here, or I will tell them myself.

What does your DH mean when he says he'll "take care of it"? Maybe he doesn't fully understand your position?

If my wifer ever said something like this to me, we would have problems. It is absolutely fine to not want his parents to move here (although I do not see how you could stop them), but folks need to be careful about giving ultimatums and deadlines. You may get your way - but at a price.

You would deserve it, if you kept telling your wife you would take care of it and then chickening out. It's disrespectful.

It isn't if my wife is telling me to disrespect my parents.

Yes it is! My god. You would be lying to your wife! If you don't want to tell your parents they can't stay, then say so to your wife! Don't just lie and say you'll do it and then flake out. It's childish and passive-aggressive.

Look at it this way....

DW does not want DH's parents to live nearby. DH thinks it is a good idea. Yet, DW expects DH to tell his parents that they cannot stay when (a) he wants them to and (b) he disagrees with her. DW knows this yet still expects DH to carry her water. And the PP suggests that the DW should give the DH an ultimatum in that scenario. Welp, I am of the opinion that if DW does not want it and DH does, then DW needs to take the lead and make it known to the IL's herself. It is obvious that DH does not want to confront his parents on this point for whatever reason - maybe because he disagrees with his DW or he wants his parents nearby. It is equally passive-aggressive to me to take a strong position about your IL's not shared by your DH, expect him to carry your water with the IL's and come on an anon forum and complain because he is not carrying the water in the way she prefers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes it is! My god. You would be lying to your wife! If you don't want to tell your parents they can't stay, then say so to your wife! Don't just lie and say you'll do it and then flake out. It's childish and passive-aggressive.

Look at it this way....

DW does not want DH's parents to live nearby. DH thinks it is a good idea. Yet, DW expects DH to tell his parents that they cannot stay when (a) he wants them to and (b) he disagrees with her. DW knows this yet still expects DH to carry her water. And the PP suggests that the DW should give the DH an ultimatum in that scenario. Welp, I am of the opinion that if DW does not want it and DH does, then DW needs to take the lead and make it known to the IL's herself. It is obvious that DH does not want to confront his parents on this point for whatever reason - maybe because he disagrees with his DW or he wants his parents nearby. It is equally passive-aggressive to me to take a strong position about your IL's not shared by your DH, expect him to carry your water with the IL's and come on an anon forum and complain because he is not carrying the water in the way she prefers

Then why does he keep saying he will tell them? He is misleading her into thinking they are in agreement when really they are not. DH needs to grow up and stop trying to have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Dh is an absolute wuss. Op said he prefers to be away from them. Op will be the one dealing with them and their overstepping behavior. Dh will be out of the house at work and not be in the front line of his parents attention. Op, speak very directly and let him know that you know it works for him because he isn't in the direct line of fire. As a pp pointed out, remind him that it will ruin your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

+1. Since OP works from home and DH doesn't, she gets more say than she otherwise would. A little clear communication now, even if it causes some friction, will prevent a much more damaging conflict down the road.

[Anonymous]

So you have no issues with your mother moving in during the summer and expect your DH to be okay with it. However, if his parents want to move nearby (Not even move in your house)... you expect him to get in line with you. wow.. what double standards!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have no issues with your mother moving in during the summer and expect your DH to be okay with it. However, if his parents want to move nearby (Not even move in your house)... you expect him to get in line with you. wow.. what double standards!!!

She works from home, he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes it is! My god. You would be lying to your wife! If you don't want to tell your parents they can't stay, then say so to your wife! Don't just lie and say you'll do it and then flake out. It's childish and passive-aggressive.

Look at it this way....

DW does not want DH's parents to live nearby. DH thinks it is a good idea. Yet, DW expects DH to tell his parents that they cannot stay when (a) he wants them to and (b) he disagrees with her. DW knows this yet still expects DH to carry her water. And the PP suggests that the DW should give the DH an ultimatum in that scenario. Welp, I am of the opinion that if DW does not want it and DH does, then DW needs to take the lead and make it known to the IL's herself. It is obvious that DH does not want to confront his parents on this point for whatever reason - maybe because he disagrees with his DW or he wants his parents nearby. It is equally passive-aggressive to me to take a strong position about your IL's not shared by your DH, expect him to carry your water with the IL's and come on an anon forum and complain because he is not carrying the water in the way she prefers

Then why does he keep saying he will tell them? He is misleading her into thinking they are in agreement when really they are not. DH needs to grow up and stop trying to have it both ways.

How? OP said her DH told her recently that he thought it was a good idea and that they need the help. Maybe it is just me, but in that scenario, I would KNOW that my DH is stonewalling me. But then again, I know my DH well enough to know what he means when he says certain things. Agreed and DW needs to grow up and be able to have a hard conversation with another adult - having someone fight your battles when they don't agree with you is a tricky proposition. Because you know what? If and when DH does "take care of it" he will make sure that his parents know that OP is the one who does not want them close. If that is the case, I would rather deliver the message myself so I control how it comes across. But that is just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you have no issues with your mother moving in during the summer and expect your DH to be okay with it. However, if his parents want to move nearby (Not even move in your house)... you expect him to get in line with you. wow.. what double standards!!!

+1. And more than that, she expects DH to deliver the message. Good luck to their marriage. They are going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have no issues with your mother moving in during the summer and expect your DH to be okay with it. However, if his parents want to move nearby (Not even move in your house)... you expect him to get in line with you. wow.. what double standards!!!

She works from home, he doesn't.

I get that she potentially will have more interaction with them because she works from home - but that still does not give her the right to dictate oother peoples' living arrangements. I mean she expects her DH to gleefully tell his own parents not to move near them - that she does not want them close. I get that she wants what she wants - but long term she will regret demanding that her DH take that stand.