No relationship with Niece/Nephew question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am glad I started this thread, because it is showing me that many people have this type of relationship. I suppose I have been tricked by the internet and social media to think everyone is a precious doting "auntie" when most people are just living their own lives and seeing family on an infrequent basis. I mean that sincerely.

Yep. I get that it saddens you, but it is not at all uncommon. You'll just need to adjust your expectations on this (and reconsider the guardianship of it makes you uneasy).

[Anonymous]

It sounds as though you are an only child, OP. Sibling relationships do vary in their closeness. I imagine they will put in as much effort toward your child as your husband has put into his relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar relationship with my 5 year old niece (husband's brother's daughter). I love her but she lives a 5 hour drive away. I am not close with her parents- no falling out or anything. We are just cordial. I send her Christmas and birthday gifts in cute care packages and I bring her something every time I see her (3-4 times per year). When I see her I play with her and dote on her. It is hard for me not to have a close relationship with her but I accepted early on that if her mother and I are not close I would not be close with her. On the other hand, I have a 3 year old niece (brother's daughter) who I am very close to. I see her once a week and her mother and I are close.

I wish I had the same relationship with both but concluded it just isn't going to happen. So, I concentrate on making the best of what I do have with the 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some very good friends that we see a lot and we sometimes do vacations and holidays together.

They are my kids aunts/uncles even though there is no blood relation.

+1. My son has lots of aunties and uncles, most of them aren't blood relatives.

[Anonymous]

You never know how this situation may change down the road. Once DD is old enough to reach out, she may. Her interests may end up being something that bring her closer to her DA and DU. I won't bother coming up with a bunch of examples when all I mean to say is that the future is unwritten.

I didn't build a relationship with my aunt until I was in late high school or early college. The relationship between my mother and her sister was strained. They never spoke, neither seemed to even care. I've been so lucky to have this aunt to rely on since my mother's death.

The couple I've chosen to care for my children in my Will aren't really involved in their lives at this point. Rare interactions go really well, just as you describe in your situations. They will do right by my children. They're good people. They just have other priorities at this point in their lives. "Should" they be more active participants? Uh, okay, sure. But that's not the case and it likely won't change any time soon. I still have every faith that they will rise to the occasion and raise my children well.

Leave room for possibility, OP. You seem quite dedicated to seeing this as a negative. You mentioned not having siblings of your own. Maybe this informs your expectations a bit too much? I have a lovely little brother. We don't have an exceptional amount of contact. We have a strong bond, although I don't imagine you'd see it that way. By your measure we wouldn't seem close. If you let go of your romantic ideals, you may find these relationships less lacking than you do at present.

It seems like your impressions have less to do with realities and more to do with your own notions about how siblings "should" behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is that your husband and his sister don't have much of a relationship, but you're still expecting his sister and her husband to reach out as if they have a close one. That you decided to have a child was never going to be some transformative event for *them*. You can't force a closer relationship with them, especially not as a means to the end of giving your daughter more family.

As for guardianship, please talk to them about it before putting them down as guardians in your will. It's far better to have to make tough decisions now than to risk something happening to you and your child either ending up in a place where she never quite feels accepted, or ending up in legal limbo if they decline.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You chose to have a child. They didn't. They have absolutely no obligation to you, your DH, or your child. You can be sad that your DD doesn't have a loving aunt/uncle relationship in her life, but also be aware that you have no right to expect it. Don't try to force it.

OP here.

This is what I expect to be the most sensible answer. You can't do anything about it.

I don't want presents as a PP suggested. I was trying to give this as an example because it shows little effort and is one of the only ways in which they interact with DD.

I just makes me very sad. That's all.

Why does sending a present thru amazon show little effort? What, you demand people spend their time standing in line at the post office in order for a present to be acceptable?

You sound picky, difficult, and spoiled. The world does not revolve around y and your child. What do you do for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason I don't visit my nieces and nephews is that they have pets I am allergic to plus they have no guest bedroom. The kids all have their own rooms but instead of doubling the kids up and giving visiting grown ups a bedroom, they expect visitors to stay any hotels, which is expensive. And then they just want to sit around their allergen ridden house watching tv while the kids are upstairs playing video games anyway.

Are you a good host?

They prefer to stay in hotels when they visit us and others. We are fine, warm hosts and we have a clean and interesting but small house. Pets and allergies are not an issue.

Do you offer them a bedroom to themselves? Not the den or the basement ?

[Anonymous]

I would like to have a closer relationship with my niece but I am poor, single, fat and rent an apartment while my brother and his wife are rich, own, skinny and haughty and they don't really encourage us to have a relationship. Though my brother talks all the time about how sad it is that they don't have extended family for her to be with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send presents via Amazon all the time. I take a lot of time to pick out nice presents.

OP, don't force this. Try to convince yourself that you don't care. Meanwhile, have DH call his sister just to talk. Maybe they can strengthen their relationship.

Amazon has free shipping so don't complain about the gifts. I have 1 sibling [married] and they have no children. They reside about 45 minutes from where my parents were when living [my hometown]. Even when my parents were very active they resented our visits and our family staying in their home.

My brother was furious and said we were too much for them but he did have my parents drive up daily during the workweek or multiple times daily if they were out of town to take care of 5 large dogs and 2 horses-feed, muck stalls. 1 horse was difficult/dangerous to work with. So pushing a stroller or reading to a little kid were more taxing physically than barnwork?

You just never know about people so leave BIL/SIL alone. No need to open anything up for discussion. Everyone is different. Over 20 years later he still accosted me about visiting my parents [dies in late eighties and nineties]-no decades of decline. Also there was a deep resentment of holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to have a closer relationship with my niece but I am poor, single, fat and rent an apartment while my brother and his wife are rich, own, skinny and haughty and they don't really encourage us to have a relationship. Though my brother talks all the time about how sad it is that they don't have extended family for her to be with.

I'd be glad to take you in. My BILs have only a passing interest in my son.

[Anonymous]

OP, my siblings take only a passing interest in my kids. One lives nearby so she sees them more often, but only when other family is visiting. None buy them presents. The ones that don't live nearby have never traveled to see us, so haven't seen our house or know anything about our lifestyle (we have come to them). We all spend Christmas together but my kids don't get any presents from their aunts or uncles, zero acknowledgement of birthdays. I think what you have is normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm probably the kind of aunt you would complain about.

I guess I didn't think ahead, And didn't gear my career, finances, and vacation time to the fact that my brother may spawn children.

I used to ship gifts, in fact very generous ones, until I got the impression that they weren't good enough. I used to ship via some big name companies like Amazon, because my SIL was a picky cow who would want something one week, but not the next, so I tried to accommodate by having convenient return policies. At first I shipped in cute packages, until they went without comment. Didn't receive a single thank you card or even separate phone call. Why would I spend an extra two hours and $50 of my time and money for no good reason?

When my SIL separated from bother and moved to my city (1100 mi apart), I offered babysitting services as often as I could. Of course, these were always last minute and never enough. Work a 60 hour week. If I made special arrangements for 5pm, SIL would need 4. If I made 4 happen, she would drop off early at 3-330. If I asked her to pick up niece (and she agreed) at 9am the following morning, she would show up at 11 or 1, thus killing my day, and overriding my own commitments. While I was happy to have niece and had a blast with her, I have my own life.

Before your rake everyone over the coals, please look at your own responses to these people. Remember that their niece and nephew are important to them, but NOT their responsibility. Shipping gifts is not a requirement. It's so much easier through Amazon, and it's the thought at all that counts.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the shipping from Amazon is really petty OP. Your post makes you sound like a PITA...no wonder they don't want much to do with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is that your husband and his sister don't have much of a relationship, but you're still expecting his sister and her husband to reach out as if they have a close one. That you decided to have a child was never going to be some transformative event for *them*. You can't force a closer relationship with them, especially not as a means to the end of giving your daughter more family.

As for guardianship, please talk to them about it before putting them down as guardians in your will. It's far better to have to make tough decisions now than to risk something happening to you and your child either ending up in a place where she never quite feels accepted, or ending up in legal limbo if they decline.

+1

DH's sister is only interested if there is something in it for her, then its: "but we are family, and I love you". Yeah, right. You just need a job that you would never get otherwise.