How to be Brutally Honest

[Anonymous]

I have outright told her several times that we cannot conceive another child and my reasons. Either she doesn't hear me or us to self centered to listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have outright told her several times that we cannot conceive another child and my reasons. Either she doesn't hear me or us to self centered to listen.

What does she say when you tell her you don't want another child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have outright told her several times that we cannot conceive another child and my reasons. Either she doesn't hear me or us to self centered to listen.

I can totally relate to you, OP. My DH is OBSESSED with having a second child. We scream at each other all the time and have so much resentment built up that sometimes I think I would have long left him if not for a child. But he still wants a second child. He has this vision of a perfect family and it involves two children. I also suspect that he knows a second child would make it even harder for me to leave. Is there any chance your wife has some idea that you are on the rocks and is trying to wrap you tighter with another kid so that you can't leave?

[Anonymous]

Two options:

1) I'm not in love with you and I don't want to be married to you anymore.

2) I am really struggling in our marriage. You don't seem to hear me when I say there is no way we can try to have a child right now because I'm not even sure our marriage is going to last. We need to start intensive couples counseling now.

As someone who was strung along for at least a year by a spouse who pretended everything was okay between us (not great but okay) and then revealed that she was done and wanted a divorce-the being strung along by someone who was living a lie part really hurts.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you want to be in the same room? Say more.

[Anonymous]

Is all of your resentment revolving around your disagreeing about a baby or do you not want another baby because your marriage is in such bad shape? We need more information and you need to be more honest with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She asked me last night why we no longer have sex. While she is totally hot in the physical sense, I can no longer stand being in the same room with her. She drains all the joy out of everything. She literally thinks as far as sex is concerned I should just pop a boner and get on her. She has no interest in orgasm, no interest in seduction, no fun at all. She simply is hoping I will impregnate her again.

Give her concrete examples of things you want her to do or not do. The things in your original post are just broad based complaints. If you give her that information, there is not a hell of a lot she can do with it. "Stop sucking joy out of everything" isn't helpful. Instead, try - "here is x thing that you did. It made me feel y. I would make me happy if you did z that used to be a lot of fun for us."

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm more astute than everyone else, but my reading comprehension and interpolation skills lead me to understand that the OP is unhappy in his marriage at the moment because his wife is treating him as noting more than a source of semen with which to impregnate her.

There is no joy or romance or anticipate because it's all revolving around the mechanics and timing of conception sex. Conversation and communication revolves around fertile times, next baby, etc. etc.

OP, I validate your frustration. I'm a female, but I've seen this happen to a few of my friends, and it really wasn't pretty. Baby fever really can be an illness. I've seen women lie about contraception etc., so if you really don't want another baby right now, insist upon comdoms that you have.

I think brutally honest is a must here, if the point is not getting across. How may require counseling, as there is likely to be a lot of fallout from two such polar positions. Unfortunately, gentle discussion may still leave the issue open in her mind, which is sounds like it's not.

Sometimes, the truth hurts. It may hurt you too, but at least you followed your truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can be honest without being brutal.

This. Skip the brutality and be honest that you don't want to have sex with her because you feel that she's only interested in getting pregnant. Suggest that the two of you get some counseling to work out your issues, and make it a precondition of trying to conceive. (In the meantime, use protection.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm more astute than everyone else, but my reading comprehension and interpolation skills lead me to understand that the OP is unhappy in his marriage at the moment because his wife is treating him as noting more than a source of semen with which to impregnate her.

There is no joy or romance or anticipate because it's all revolving around the mechanics and timing of conception sex. Conversation and communication revolves around fertile times, next baby, etc. etc.

OP, I validate your frustration. I'm a female, but I've seen this happen to a few of my friends, and it really wasn't pretty. Baby fever really can be an illness. I've seen women lie about contraception etc., so if you really don't want another baby right now, insist upon comdoms that you have.

I think brutally honest is a must here, if the point is not getting across. How may require counseling, as there is likely to be a lot of fallout from two such polar positions. Unfortunately, gentle discussion may still leave the issue open in her mind, which is sounds like it's not.

Sometimes, the truth hurts. It may hurt you too, but at least you followed your truth.

I think maybe you're projecting your own experiences onto OP because he pretty clearly stated that she sucks the joy out of everything and he doesn't want to be in the same room as her. It's not cause of the mechanics of conception, he hasn't told us exactly why he dislikes her so much but they're not even having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your marriage is over. It's sad that your wife would even think that conception is on the table when you can't stand to be in the same room with her. You need to be honest. Whether you need to be brutal...no, of course not. But you have to communicate with her that conceiving another child is out of the question and that you are very unhappy in the marriage. How could you not let her know that? At this point, you are being passive aggressive and manipulative, OP. Your wife expects to conceive a child with you and you can't stand her? You have a responsibility to be an adult and tell her how you feel. No, you don't have to be brutal. You have to be a big boy and say "I'm not ready for another child because I feel there are some fundamental problems here that have to be worked out first." Open your mouth and speak.

This. FWIW, my ex wanted a baby even when I didn't want to sleep with him anymore.